So my 'Dad' might not actually be my Dad....

[UpsettingTheAppleCart]

And refuses a DNA test but wants a relationship with me (and my DC) after 40 years of absence.

My mother told him when he left her that I wasn't his. Apparently her cheating was the reason he walked.

I'm one of 8 children from 3 marriages. NC with mother.

I really want to do a DNA test before we build on anything but he says it doesn't matter.

WWYD?

Your feelings are valid. If there had been constant contact I'd understood his view but as you haven't been in contact for so long I can understand why you'd want to know if you are related by DNA and not just distant history.

Why would you not DNA?
You are NBU you want the test so you should get it.

Hmmmm normally I'd say it doesn't matter but no contact for 40 years 🤔
Pull a hair out

There's being a father, and there's being a dad. If he left he wasn't much of a dad.

Anyway, if he wants a relationship with you and your children the onus is on him, not necessarily to prove he's your biological father but to explain why he felt it was acceptable to leave your life and to convince you that he won't do the same to you all in the future. And that's if you even want to entertain the idea. If you don't want him back in your life you're perfectly at liberty to say so.

There are men who prefer to live the single life, walk away from their children, have one failed relationship after another. Then when they reach old age they start worrying about being lonely and needing looking after, and they suddenly develop an interest in the children they abandoned all those years ago. Call me an old cynic, but I would be very wary of this man and I would insist on a DNA test, otherwise what's the point of contact - you don't even know him. How old were you when he left OP?

I think he is struggling due to my mother insisting he had a vasectomy after I was born as she didn't want any more children.
I was the 6th. She then had further children with her next husband but he couldn't have anymore with his 2nd wife as a reversal didn't work.

He was also paying maintenance until I was 16, and for 4 older DC who he adopted, from my mother's 1st marriage.

I suppose finally finding out for sure that I'm not his will be pretty hard to take.

I'm meeting him next week and want to take a DNA testing kit with me so we can do it there and then to get it over with. If he won't do it, I need to say that I won't be going any further with our relationship. Its really hard as he's been through hell. She moved with us without telling him where we were and he looked for us for years. I remember being told that he was trying to arrange contact, when I was a young teenager, when he finally found us but my mother refused to allow it.

It's a horrible situation. He also lost his wife a few years ago.

That sounds a bit different, then. He didn't abandon you, he was denied access to you. In which case he could be a perfectly decent guy, and worth getting to know.

I have some experience of this, my dad was absent forever until I was in my late teens, then he was always aloof, and so I bailed. I couldn’t take allowing him access into mine and ds’ lives when he hadn’t ‘earnt’ the right iyswim? You can’t just suddenly decide you want to be a part of your daughter’s life having not been around for years. What does he have to say for himself for his absence? And why won’t he do a DNA? That in particular is a red flag.

Apologies OP, just read your update, this man sounds as though he tried very hard to sustain a relationship. The point still stands though that he is a virtual stranger and you need that DNA evidence.

Christ your mum was a piece of work. Poor bloke. Poor you.

Ah ok I just saw your update. With all that being the case he deserves to be met with but he must do the DNA test, you’re right.

I’m sorry for what you’ve been through, your mother sounds like a piece of work.

You could be his only children, who he has always wanted contact with. If he is a good bloke and has always wanted to be a parent and grandparent, does it matter what the DNA says? Maybe that is what he's thinking.

It may not matter to him, but it matters to you. If he won't understand that and be willing to take the test for your sake, then I fail to see what you'd be missing out on.

Can you not ask to do the DNA but you won’t tell him the results?

nodrama I fail to see to point of that.He will guess the result by OPs attitude to taking the relationship further or not. I suspect he’s afraid to risk the fact of OP not being his daughter.

Thanks for the responses.

I can see that he has thought of me, and he says he loved me and never forgot me, as his daughter so it would be easier for him to continue the status quo, but as Disford said so much time has passed, I need to know we have more of a connection than just ancient history to build on.

I will feel awful for him if he paid for me, looked for me etc, and I'm not his.

We first had contact 10 years ago but my mother had totally demonised him and he wouldn't give me answers as to why he left or why he didn't pay maintenance which was what I was told by my mother. He has only told me what really went on since I've told him I'm NC with my mother. I only have his word for it but from my mother's behaviour to me, I believe every word of it.

Really don't know what to do. He's in his 70's. I don't want to be drawn into a relationship with a stranger because I feel sorry for him!

He will still be a stranger, even if the DNA test says you are related. If you don't want this man in your life (having managed without him all these years) then why bother?

Update - well he finally agreed to a DNA which we were going to meet to do this morning but he pulled out at the last minute saying that I need to 'let go of my neurosis' and it doesn't matter. This made me pretty furious as he was the one who compounded doubts I already had!

I don't want him to meet my DC unless I know he's 100% my father. They've already called someone who wasn't my Dad 'Grandad' (stepdad).

So we're at a stalemate. Any further advice appreciated.

You're not really at a stalemate though.

You have what's probably the most important answer.

Whether or not he's your biological father, one thing you do know is that he's a person who already - already, when you've hardly even got going on a relationship - is prepared to steamroller you, tell you your concerns don't matter, that you need to 'let go of your neurosis' ie shut up and respond how I want you to

So quite shitty really. Remember, just because your mother is awful, doesn't mean that he's necessarily 'the nice one'.

I would tell him exactly this.

'Ok, then I think we are done. The DNA test matters to me for some very important reasons and yes, they're totally valid and aren't 'neuroses' at all. Furthermore, whats important to me is for me to decide, and that's not up for discussion. You don't get to steamroller your views over mine, and the fact that you've already shown that that seems to be your idea of a father-daughter relationship is even more of a red flag than refusing a DNA test. I don't know if you're my father, but what I DO know is that I don't want someone in my life who belittles my feelings and tries to tell me what to think, so, I guess I'm out. Good luck.'

Very true Fizzy. Thank you. You'd think he'd want to do everything in his power to help me build trust in him. Makes me wonder if he knows what the result will be.

Looks like rather than wasting money on a paternity test, it'll be more helpful to do an Ancestry one!

Yep. TBH I think he has a good idea he may not be your dad. And while I feel sorry for him as it sounds like your mum really did him over, it's also screamingly obvious that he's only getting in touch properly and trying to push a relationship now because he wants company/support and is getting older. So All About Him.

Good luck, I'm sorry, it must be really hard. But I'd keep my distance. His attitude tells you exactly how this relationship would go and it wouldn't be good for you or your children, I think.

Yep, go with Ancestry. I love their comment on my account "XY is your father." I'm glad he is, I've always called him dad, but with my mother you could never be sure so I didn't tell him until the results were in. He'd already been tested a year before to find his ethnicity.

I think you need to be wary of the 40-year-absence guy. Like, what? Now? Hmm. And he should understand that you are uncertain and don't want to rush into anything. Don't get involved with someone you don't have a genetic connection with. If you don't see him again, what have you lost? If he wants to be family, he can start by doing the test.