How to forgive myself for being too trusting

[Cantbebothered2019]

Hi,

I've been separated from exh for almost 2 years now. It was an abusive relationship where I was controlled financially, bullied emotionally and finally when i decided to leave physically assaulted. Though I left because I had had enough of ex I subsequently found out that he had been cheating on me for at least half of our marriage (6-7 years) if not more. What made it worse is that it was with his ex fiance who was also married at the time.

Whilst married to him I did find things that made me suspect him, however when I asked him about them he lied to my face and I accepted what he said at face value. Other things I didn't question. I had the mentality that if someone is going to cheat on you nothing you do is going to stop them and now I wonder if I was just deluded, naive and lazy. I was busy living my life and focusing on my children and didn't want to police or sneak around after him.

Two years on my life has improved in many respects and overall I dont regret my decision. However I still sometimes wonder if things could have ended differently and I could have prevented what happened. If I had not been so quick to believe his lies. If I had taken the small signs I had seen more seriously and confronted him earlier. If i had viewed his ex as more of a threat (I had assumed as she was married with children - as he was- that they had both moved on). I'm doubting myself and wondering if my trusting nature was my undoing and the weakness that enabled this to go on behind my back.

Ultimately I haven't lost a prize. He was horrible to me and abusive virtually from the start though in small doses. I wish i had left him earlier. I suspect he is a narcissist and I have been no contact with him for over a year which has improved my mental health and helped me to recover from all the abuse though still a work in progress. However I would appreciate advice from other who have been cheated on. How do you forgive yourself for not catching it or leaving earlier?

There's nothing to forgive. You wanted the best for the family; you didn't want to believe you'd made such a big mistake. Don't be so hard on yourself, you got there in the end. Now let it go

Just give yourself time OP.

I felt as you do two years out. Around three years out, I started to feel significantly more healed and refreshed.

It just takes time.

You did absolutely nothing wrong. You weren't naive or silly. You were acting as folk are meant to act with someone they love - you had trust, you didnt second guess.

He was /is the one who was abnormal. Hes the one who should be looking at how he could ever forgive himself...!

Thank you for your kind comments. They have made me cry. Lol. I do realise Im being hard on myself. I'm a planner and I can't accept I guess that my plans have to gone to shit. I wonder at how I could have made such a massive error of judgement in marrying him in the first place, ignoring my suspicions and then staying with him for so long. I feel like I wasted my 20s trying to win over a man who was obviously emotionally unavailable. Then I wonder if the abuse was a way of him punishing me for not being someone else.

Please don't think I'm wishing to go back to an abusive relationship. I'm far happier now and living more of a fulfilling life then I did then but I just keep analysing and reanalysing. I wonder if I can ever trust myself to be vulnerable and close to another person like that again as I feel like my judgement was so fatally flawed the first time.

Hell no! You did nothing wrong so hold your head up op! He is the one who abused, controlled and lied! And what a kick in the teeth to discover that he'd cheated too. Despicable. You were right to focus on your DC. Why should you police him? He didn't live by your standards. Don't give him another thought and don't blame yourself.

I’ve been there OP. Someone told me that the only thing I did wrong was to trust my husband, like I was supposed to. It wasn’t my fault he broke that trust, neither is it yours that your husband did that to you.

I found things got better for me once I became angry. It’s part of the mourning process, and you are allowed to mourn even if your relationship was abusive. In time you’ll feel better... I know that doesn’t help much now, it you will.

You sound lovely. You trusted your husband as you would expect to. We're living your life and concentrating on your children. Then found the courage to leave when you knew it wasn't right. Very courageous IMO and setting a fabulous example to your children. You've done nothing wrong

Thank you for the kind replies they are very helpful. I hear of people who check their partners phone, email, social media, quiz them about their whereabouts and who they are with. I wasn't like that and I wonder if that is the norm or was I right to trust that the person your with has integrity to be upfront and honest. It's difficult to even mourn because I feel like all those happy memories were tainted due to the cheating. Like it was just an act on his part. Pretending love when secretly plotting and planning with his ex. At the end I'm glad I ended it rather then him because at least I could walk away with my dignity but I just wonder why drag it on and get angry at me for leaving if emotionally your already gone.

He's an asshole.
He won't change.
None of this is your fault.
You are just a decent human being. He is not.
There's nothing you can do about him.
Have you been in touch with DA organisations?
Womens Aid could help. They run an amazing course called the Freedom Programme.
This will help you understand it all more and avoid abusive dicks like this in future.
The Lundy Bancroft book 'Why does he do that' may also help clear your head a bit.
You are obviously a trusting, kind person.
Don't change that because of a man like this.
Well done on getting out.
I hope you have people around you who are helping you heal.

Please forgive yourself OP. You know, it’s soo really easy to deceive someone who trusts you. It’s not YOU that’s at fault in any way. You just trusted your life partner - which is what anyone would expect.
Yes - there are those that snoop and spy and carry suspicion-and some find proof that they are being betrayed - but all that suspicion and distrust is utterly corrosive for someone who had a good heart.
At least you now know the truth - many never do.
Rejoice OP - you have been freed, and can hold your head high - and put it down to the fact that anyone who trusts anyone can be fooled, and we trust because there is no relationship without it.

I still sometimes wonder if things could have ended differently and I could have prevented what happened.
He was cheating; in what way could it have ended better than it eventually did? Do you mean that if you'd left earlier you wouldn't have suffered as much abuse?

I put up with my ex's unpleasant (not abusive) behaviour for over a year, assuming for ages that he was only tempted to have an affair - I thought he was too much of a good guy to act on it. Afterwards I discovered he'd been sleeping with her from about two weeks after they met. I don't blame myself for being slow to work it out. I'd never experienced anything like that before, hadn't read the Script, didn't know the signs and thought that only obvious players did that kind of thing. In my mind, of course I trusted my husband, otherwise he wouldn't have been my husband. Now I get it and would act differently. That doesn't make pre-affair me stupid. Just happily inexperienced in affairs.

If you open your heart to love, you are allowing yourself to be hurt. But that doesn't mean you should avoid love. In the same way,trusting someone means you might be disappointed - but that doesn't mean you should never trust. If we never took a risk by letting in love or trust, our lives would be less rich. People who can't love or trust aren't to be envied.