Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need some help

18 replies

Wenjie · 01/02/2019 04:11

My DD is fifteen. Dealing with her has been impossible of late. I ask "Are you doing okay?" and she snaps "Why are you accusing me of not being okay!?" Her android was acting up and I couldn't handle all of her abuse and vulgarity, even if it was just directed at a phone.

I told my husband we had to buy a new phone for her. Without running it by me, he bought her a £300 android, which is twice as expensive as any phone we'd gotten her before. She was so mean upon receiving it, because being kind to us is especially hard for her when she's receiving gifts or favors from us.

I told her to go to bed. She said no. I started to say this wasn't to be mean. She said "Why are you accusing me of calling you mean?"

I stopped and said I have to be able to speak without getting snapped at. Everything went downhill from there. She said I'm a terrible parent. Said she's so tired of our sh*t, took her drink and poured it on DH and told him to just wait because he'd see what she was capable of.

He took the android and said she wasn't getting it any longer. But now today he asked when we were going to give it back to her and said I should not have reacted when she snapped at me, and I should not have engaged her.

OP posts:
unicornsandponies · 01/02/2019 06:56

Oh God teenagers!!! Don't you just luv em?
I can remember this phase so well. Everything , literally everything you say will be wrong, taken out of context , thrown back at you. It's normal honestly. It will pass. It will get better. In the meantime just be there for her if she wants to talk. Set reasonable boundaries agreed by you and DH and try not to over react to provocative behaviour. They grow up eventually!
My daughter was impossible at this age...oh the rows, arguments, name calling, bad behaviour, it was hell. She's now in her 30s . A responsible sensible member of society. Married with lovely children of her own. But just wait til they hit their teens!
Hang on in there op. It will improve believe me. But you have my sympathy in the meantine. Handhold from me Flowers

ErickBroch · 01/02/2019 09:54

Honestly this is shocking. As a teen I had some tiffs with my parents but very mild, definitely me just being defensive and snappy. Pouring a drink on her dad is outrageous.

I don't have any good advice just wanted to say I am sorry for what you're dealing with! Definitely don't give her the bloody phone!! Flowers

Dvg · 01/02/2019 10:00

Honestly that is horrendous behavior :S and does not sound like typical teenage behavior, honestly i wouldn't give the phone back as she doesn't deserve it xx

unicornsandponies · 01/02/2019 10:04

Sorry to disagree but although I do think it's horrendous it is typical.

hellsbellsmelons · 01/02/2019 11:45

Maybe do some reading.
Have a look on Amazon 'dealing with teens' there's lots of material.
My DD was horrendous as a teen.
But she just suddenly turned a corner at around 16.
She's lovely now and we are great friends.
I'm not saying they all turn out like this but there is hope.
I did do some reading and it helped at bit.
I literally had mine by the scruff of the neck up against the living room wall at one point.
That's when I knew I had to do something.
I was a single parent as well, which didn't help.
She does need consequences for her actions though.
So sit down with your DH and work out what might be effective.
You need to both be a unit here and follow through and support each other.
I'm sorry you are going through this but many many of us have been there and come out the other side!

Gruzinkerbell1 · 01/02/2019 11:49

If I had dared to pour a drink on my dad and spoke to him the way your DD did, I wouldn't still be here to tell the tale.

The phone should be returned to the shop/sold. Time to get tough. Her behaviour is unacceptable, rewarding her with expensive gifts clearly isn't the way forward.

Bess78 · 01/02/2019 11:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mishappening · 01/02/2019 12:03

She poured a drink on your OH and he is wanting to give her her phone back today. That is the problem - she has no clear boundaries. She can get away with stuff she should not get away with.

She will be stroppy - she is 15. I had 3 teenage DDs on the go at one time and they kept me busy. But the rule was to stay calm and clear and unruffled - and to stick together as a parenting team.

Original poster
Wenjie · 01/02/2019 19:51

I suppose what's bothering me is that he has decided that if I reacted to her provocative behavior, I lost the parental ability to give her consequences for her behavior.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wenjie · 01/02/2019 19:53

My husband is not her dad. I'm disclosing that because I do not want to misrepresent him. Recently, she said she wanted him to stop acting like her friend and start acting like a dad, that she wants him to earn the dad title.

OP posts:
Dragongirl10 · 01/02/2019 21:05

*If I had dared to pour a drink on my dad and spoke to him the way your DD did, I wouldn't still be here to tell the tale.

The phone should be returned to the shop/sold. Time to get tough. Her behaviour is unacceptable, rewarding her with expensive gifts clearly isn't the way forward.*

This^

Haffiana · 01/02/2019 21:17

Why did you tell her to go to bed? Were you punishing her?

zebakrheum · 01/02/2019 21:30

Recently she said she wanted him to stop acting like her friend and start acting like a dad

There you are then, that's at the root of it: subconsciously she knows she needs the security of boundaries and at the moment she hasn't got any - not from him at least. She's acting up and pushing and pushing, to see just how far she can go. She's probably not even aware that that's what she's doing.

Is her dad in her life at all?

Original poster
Wenjie · 02/02/2019 01:13

@Haffiana I was telling her to go to bed because it was late.

@zebakrheum her dad is not in her life at this time.

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 02/02/2019 02:04

We can sit here and armchair analyse the root cause of her behaviour all night, but that doesn't help OP deal with it.

OP - have the school any concerns about her behaviour?

took her drink and poured it on DH and told him to just wait because he'd see what she was capable of.
I would be very concerned about this. She is threatening your DH to behave (i.e. give her what she demands) "or else". And the easiest "or else" is a false accusation of abuse, unfortunately (which makes life just that much harder again for actual victims of abuse.)

Agree with PPs that if I'd poured a drink deliberately over my dad, I'd have been in hospital. If I accidentally knocked a drink over that didn't even touch him, I could expect a punch in the head. That's because he was an abusive piece of shit. The fact that your DH kept his temper shows that he has laudable self control, but unfortunately fuck all experience in setting and maintaining boundaries.

Original poster
Wenjie · 03/02/2019 00:15

@NotTheFordType She hasn't had any trouble at school. I get complimented on her behavior often.

OP posts:
scatcat01 · 03/02/2019 06:40

My eldest daughter was so nasty to me from 14 to 19. It was so upsetting. I resigned myself to the 'fact' that we did not get on and she would not want to see me as an adult. Things changed fairly rapidly in the last 12 months and she is very loving. Try just to survive these years. My daughter did not respond to boundaries or consequences. The only thing that worked was love bombing her and always modelling loving behaviour (not saying I managed to always keep calm haha)! I DO agree with boundaries...but they simply escalated things in my house. Hugs as this is the hardest bit of parenting xxx

scatcat01 · 03/02/2019 06:41

Oh...and...you must have raised her well if she behaves at school. Hold that thought. This time will pass xx

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread