supporting someone in late stage terminal cancer

[phpolly]

Just that really. I have a friend who was diagnosed with an especially lethal cancer just over a year ago. She has chosen the most aggressive experimental treatment, but is nevertheless very poorly, as a result of the combination of the cancer and the treatment. Her treatment is currently suspended and we (her friends) suspect that she doesn't have long. I spend time with her when I can, given that I live a long way away, but she often doesn't feel well enough for company. She requests funny stories and jokes via email/text to take her mind off things, but I have run out of ideas. Can anyone who has experience with this situation help me out? Heart breaking here

Can you send her some talking books? They are wonderful for distracting the mind for a short while or, if she has trouble sleeping, will keep her company through the night. If you can locate any of the "Lucia" series, (E.F. Benson), they are great fun. I hope you find something for her.

Thanks so much @percheron - that is a great idea!

I suggest finding ways of keeping in touch in a way which doesn’t require a reply from her. Each day perhaps a meme or cartoon or photo of your dog/cat/child doing something daft? Or dig out an old picture of you and your friend enjoying something together?

I know it is immensely hard but also a valuable and important time in a friendship - it will never matter more than this.

Just purchased and sent - thank you again @percheron

@lark you are spot on that she often doesn't feel up to responding. Sending photos and other images is an excellent idea. I have a feeling that just looking at those would comfort her and make her happy.

Sincere thanks to everyone who understands how sad and difficult this is and has good ideas about how to help

Agree, memes and funny pictures. And terrible jokes (you can google those) Also, funny stories of things you did together - ‘Hey, do you remember the time...’ if you think she would like that, or updates on people you both know. I had a friend who was terminally ill who would enjoy ‘the gossip’ - nothing mean or nasty, but loved knowing what everyone was up to. You’re being a good friend. xx

Thanks @Lelly. You're right about "the gossip" - she is very social and would love any news about anyone we know!
Off to google bad jokes now...
xx

Audio books are a great idea (I like Audible, though it requires a tiny bit of technological skill).

DVDs of all sorts to binge watch. You know her tastes best, but there are lots of fantastic recent comedies. Or ones that are a bit older and have really long seasons (American ones are useful for this, with 22-26 episodes a season; I'm a huge Parks and Rec fan, though she should start with season 2).

Gossip, dumb stories, pictures at random times all good. If you're on twitter (and you don't have to post to read), you could send her funny tweets via email/text. If she likes animals, weratedogs veers from darling to amusing.

Fantastic movie collectionsones that aren't too extreme or sad. Lots of great old moviesa DVD collection of the Marx Brothers? Of the screwball comedies? Or even just all the Harry Potters.

If she doesn't have a good streaming service (e.g. Netflix) you could get her a subscription (it will have lots of the bingeable stuff).

You sound like a wonderful friend.

Can you record your stories and messages and then send to her to listen to so she can hear you?

I agree with jokes, memes, 'gossip'. I'd hold back on 'memories' unless she shows interest in it as it can be quite depressing to be dying and reminded of it by lots of 'remember when....'.

Treating her normally and with respect, keeping up lots of contact is good. Also if you're happy to then let her know she can contact you anytime she wants to chat, day or night, so she knows your there and feels your support.

She will probably start to sleep more and more as the end approaches, but she will still appreciate your contact even if she doesn't respond. Very close to the end she may be confused and not know who you are, combination of pain relief drugs and disease progression

Lots of wonderful suggestions and guidance here. Thanks all. It sounds as if just consistently reaching out so she knows I'm thinking of her is key. I also like the idea of letting her know she can contact me anytime. I expect that her desire to discuss what she is going through may surface unexpectedly. I have found it very difficult at times to hide my own grief and fear about what she is experiencing, so the practical suggestions are really helpful. Thank you again. xxx

Photographs of anything you see when you are out that takes your interest. My son took a picture of the sunset on the frosty dam on my phone as we were travelling last night to show his Grandma because she is recovering from surgery at the moment. She loved it.

I'm so sorry OP.
It's a horrible situation for everyone.
I wasn't too far from my DSis and my company were so good.
So I spent most of my time with her towards the end (and the build up).
Just let her know you are there for her whenever you can be.
My DSis didn't really want anyone there apart from family.
Mainly because of how she looked.
So the other end of the phone may be what she needs from you right now.
(((((HUGS))))) OP

I expect that her desire to discuss what she is going through may surface unexpectedly

Yes, and your being "there" for her to talk about that, even if physically not there in person, will be a great gift of friendship. It is hard to go there in a conversation, hard not to want to change the subject to something more cheerful etc. It is so important though.

I sat with a close friend for many hours and days during her last weeks, and (guided always by her) we got to talking about lots of things that her DP just couldn't face discussing. Funeral preferences, which charity she would like to nominate for any donations; but also the emotional aspects - the rage at dying young, fear of being forgotten, complicated feelings about how some family members had treated her in her time of need, the unknowability of the journey ahead.

for you and your friend.

I really love the photograph idea. I will start taking photos on my phone when out and about and sending them to her. Also the reminders to be there on the other end of the phone, and not to be afraid of the hard conversations. Thank you again for all of the wonderful advice. I'm sorry that all of you have been through this with loved ones as well.

I recently went through this with a dear friend. I found the Elizabeth Kubler-Ross books very helpful, she became an expert on dying and wrote many books about how to help terminal people in their final months. I feel for you all, it's terribly sad and heavy.

If you are on what’s app you can record your messages rather than typing. Then she can play them back whenever she wants to. You sound like a lovely friend.

Send her little audio messages ...about your day, about your friendship , about some things funny you read or saw, with pictures or video , about things you remember you did together in the past , maybe uplifting pieces from spiritual guys like Eckhart Tolle , etc

I guess any thing that makes her feel connected to you and an active part of your life

We gave a friend of ours a build a Bear teddy with a recorded message in it. We chose pyjamas and a dressing gown for him to wear (his name was Scamp). She loved it.