Fed up mentality and never knowing what I want

[Loka123]

Hi all,
Female, mid-20s, very much a perfectionist (sometimes to my detriment!), highly qualified from top uni, respectful job, car, bubbly, smiley, friendly lovely, curious but also very nervous, etc., told I'm good looking by a lot of people (but can look really awful some days and look much younger than I am which isn't really a good thing as I look more like 16), always been a bit of a rebel hating convention, rules and very much a feminist but mentally something seems so off:

Like I HATE the idea of getting married, promising to be with that one person forever (seems way too much of a commitment with anyone tbh as no one can predict how our own and the other person's personality, energy levels, interests, etc. will develop over time), HATE the idea of being "owned" by someone, having to discuss life choices with them, losing independence, never had any maternal urges yet and get bored even holding someone else's child for even a second and I'd never opt to me a stay at home person (e.g. wife, mum), etc. not even for a £1million, can't imagine wanting to get intimate with the same person for 40+ years, like eating the same food each day in my mind.. even if there was love, I think intimacy is desirable due to the thrill of newness, conquering etc., I'm very messy (obviously can live in my own mess but others won't like it)... I've always been happy with "relationships" which consist of a few sleepovers here and there and days out at the weekend, hence I usually date those who are more long distance so won't have to see them every day and would be happy to continue that long term whereas most people won't to progress to seeing more often etc, also I hate emotional physical affection e.g. cuddles, etc.

BUT I also HATE the idea of being alone forever, growing old without anyone, etc.

so it's almost like a bipolar thing where I hate either outcome :(

Also, nearly ever man on O.L.D either looks insanely camp and feminine or too hard/scary as if they've just come out of prison.... o_o

• want to progress

Also, I would NOT ever date someone who I find physically unattractive.. I wish I wasn't so shallow but I am.. though fortunately, my type is NOT a boybander or a male model on men's magazines..

My type is definitely more like Robin Thicke and Danny Dyer so I definitely don't go for the traditionally attractive types..!

Red up on RA. Relationship Anarchy. It's catching on.

All I’m going to say is that you will definitely find out at some point that your ideas of life and men don’t compute, for example Robin Thicke and Danny Dyer types, i.e. the waist-coat wearing, pub brawling yocks aren’t usually into feminist ideas.

Don't worry about the destination, enjoy the journey. You don't have to decide now what your relationship status at 40 or 50 will be. Trust me, things will look different then.

Also, not being in a monogamous long term heterosexual relationship does not equal growing old and dying alone.

Thanks everyone for your comments so far.

@EveryoneLovesDogs Really? I always see lots of comments in newspaper articles about Danny Dyer and Robin Thicke where people say they look greasy, like simon cowell (!), gross etc. which is not the case for boyband celebs, david beckham etc. All celebs get negative comments etc. but Danny Dyer and Robin Thicke get a lot more than other man who behave similarly but are more "youthfully/traditionally" good looking.

@chestylarue52 hm yeah I suppose so but I really don't have many close friends/relatives either.. more like acquaintances!

You're young. Enjoy your life and your freedom. If along the way you fall in love, you'll feel differently.

Thanks..
Still, feels so non-directional

If I was in my mid-20’s - I’d just go out and enjoy myself, have loads of sex. Don’t be too opionated that’s all, as soon as you decide one thing you’ll soon change your mind! But definitely enjoy yourself!