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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating again!

18 replies

Confusedlady21 · 31/01/2019 17:26

Hi all,
Very new here but wanted some thoughts of people who aren’t close to me.
I’m a single mum and have been single for the last 4 years. I have had some very bad experiences in relationships which is why I closed myself off for so long.
I recently went on Plenty Of Fish. (Terrible I know!) I wasn’t expecting anything but started chatting to someone and we really got on!! We were ‘dating’ for about a month and were sleeping together (not like me so soon).
As things were progressing in that way I didn’t really want to carry on like that if he was still looking for others on POF. I hid my profile a week after we started chatting, as that’s just my way. I don’t for a second expect that off someone else, however, as we were sleeping together I didn’t love the thought of him maybe still looking else where. So....I brought this up with him asking if he still went on POF and he said yes, but just to answer messages off the people who were sending them to him asking what he’d been up to etc. I was a bit upset, I didn’t show this, I just went a bit quiet and when he asked if we were seeing each other again I said ‘yeah ok’ and he said ‘well we don’t have to!’.
I had been over to his as he didn’t feel well so took him some food, drinks, pain killers etc, we slept together, and then this happened at the end of the evening. I left at the end of the evening, obviously a little upset, and haven’t heard from him since :-( This was a week ago and I’m really upset about it actually as I really started to like him and it’s the first time I’ve got close to someone in a long time.

My question is....should I text him? I don’t think I’m going to hear from him again and I’m kind of blaming myself for that for the way I reacted.

Please be kind! What are your views?
Thanks

OP posts:
user1466783975 · 31/01/2019 19:41

Move on,you're both on different pages. Don't text him please. It's very hard all this dating,that's why i'm having a break.You will be fine OP x

Confusedlady21 · 31/01/2019 19:48

Thanks :-) I just think I worry that it’s my fault x

OP posts:
Equalityumber · 31/01/2019 19:52

You did nothing wrong at all. For you it was the right time to try and find out what page you were both on, sadly he wasn’t as interested.

They’ll be other guys trust me.

Becky9191 · 31/01/2019 19:57

If he wants to get in touch he's got your number, beware he may have just been looking to hook up and that may be his attention again.

Make him take you somewhere nice and say no to any extra nighttime activities is my advice, then see if he's still interested.

Do you get chance to have many evenings off from the kids?

Notcoolmum · 31/01/2019 20:02

Join the dating thread on here. I’ve found the rules and the chat invaluable to help me work my way through this minefield. Without it I’d have totally invested in the first person I started seeing, whilst he was still weighing up his options and not committing. I followed the rukes. Kept dating myself and met someone who doesn’t make me feel anxious and insecure and who I’ve deleted the apps for (mutually discussed and agreed).

Confusedlady21 · 31/01/2019 20:07

Thanks all. I can easily get someone to babysit if I needed to so that wasn’t a huge issue. To be honest he had quite an outspoken view of women that after a certain period of time they turned into untrusting psychos pretty much checking his phone etc. I obviously never did this, I just realised he was still on the dating site a lot and this didn’t sit right with me with how things were progressing.

I don’t think I’ll be hearing from him again as it obviously annoyed him the way I left it 😯 x

OP posts:
Confusedlady21 · 31/01/2019 20:08

Oh didn’t know there was a dating thread!!

OP posts:
MumsyJ · 31/01/2019 20:18

OP you've done nothing wrong to beat yourself up for. Dating, especially online is more like a gamble but be rest assured that one day the person for you will come along.

I spent over 3 years after the divorce from my exH before getting back on the dating scene and yes I kissed quite a few frogs before my now DP came along.

It's not you, it's them ( they are full of it). Please don't ring nor text him. See him as one of the stages you went through. Your man will definitely come your way. X

Changedname3456 · 31/01/2019 20:20

Call me an old fashioned bloke, but once you start sleeping with someone, (especially more than once), then I think it’s reasonable of them to expect you’ll stop chatting up others. That applies to both parties.

You were not out of order OP. This guy’s a bit of a nob.

Notcoolmum · 31/01/2019 20:25

confusedlady yes there is an ongoing and fast moving support thread. Come and join us!!

changedname I think the whole nature of dating apps and being able to swipe away at a moments notice has really changed things. You cannot assume exclusivity these days unless you have explicitly agreed this. A minefield.

Confusedlady21 · 31/01/2019 20:27

Thank you everyone. It’s really not like me to start sleeping with someone so soon, I just felt like we got on so well and it kind of just happened! But I quickly started to realise that I think that’s all he really wanted as we wouldn’t go out much for our ‘dates’ and when I said things like ‘I’m not just about that you know’ he would say ‘well you’d think I don’t like you anymore if I didn’t want to sleep with you’. Hmmmm.

I’m quite old fashioned too and once I’m even just dating someone and trying to get to know them I would prefer to focus on just them until I realise that we aren’t right for each other.

I just think after 4 years of deciding to be single I just got caught up in this like a whirlwind and now been thrown back out of it just as quick. So I’m kind of just sitting here now thinking ‘what the hell?!’ Lol. X

OP posts:
Confusedlady21 · 31/01/2019 20:28

Notcoolmum where do I find this thread? Sorry, only joined this today! X

OP posts:
thefourgp · 31/01/2019 20:29

A man who refers to women as untrusting psychos is a serial cheat who will mess you about. Please don’t contact him again OP. X

Confusedlady21 · 31/01/2019 20:31

I won’t! This sort of advice is what I needed to hear I think. My friends and family are all saying the same, but they love me lol so they would say that! :-) x

OP posts:
leonasa · 31/01/2019 20:41

I'm with fourgp, that is a very bad sign in itself that he said that about women.

The dating thread is here - come join!

Dating Thread 146 - Swipe Left Swipe Right www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3492233-Dating-Thread-146-Swipe-Left-Swipe-Right

Confusedlady21 · 31/01/2019 20:59

Thank you!!! I’ve just posted!!!! What a bloody nightmare I am! X

OP posts:
yetanotheropinion · 31/01/2019 21:08

You're not a nightmare - a little bit vulnerable, though. Why don't you ask a man if he will come off the app before sleeping together? If he says no, don't sleep with him. Be explicit about what you want & need; healthy boundaries will keep you sane.

Confusedlady21 · 31/01/2019 21:20

Yep I will next time!! If there is a next time! Despite everything I’ve been through I am weirdly trusting and just hope that others will treat me like I would them :-)

I just assumed he wouldn’t still be on there. Silly me! It’s just been so long since I let myself even go on a date let alone start having feelings for someone! Lesson learned! Lol! X

OP posts:
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