DH thinks housework is my responsibility

[justamom17]

I am off on my maternity leave for last 13 months, joining work back on Friday. For last 6 months or so my DH has been moaning almost every other day about the mess in the house. My house is reasonably clean, all the rooms we use are tidy except the 2 guest rooms which were cluttered with random stuff. I do all the cooking, cleaning, ironing in the house. DH helps with putting the washing on and helps do the dishes.

AIBU for getting annoyed over his moaning? I try to tidy rooms as I get time, but been feeling like he thinks it is only my responsibility to tidy them and when I say that "why don't u tidy them", he says "it is all your mess". He comes home and would say what have u been doing all day etc etc. I have just been feeling that since I am home, he just expects me to be on the go all the time. Other day he said to me, I can watch TV as long as I am watching it while ironing angry.

Has anyone else been in similar situation and how have you resolved it. Thanks.

Well the ironing comment alone would mean I wouldn't iron for him ever again.

Tell him to fuck off, who does he think he is?!

I am on maternity with number two. Sometime my dh comes home to a real mess.

He just helps cleans it up and hopes it’s a mess because we had fun and not because it was a bad day.

What was he like before you went on leave, and what is he thinking regarding division of labour after you return to work?

So you're going back to work this week? Probably no point dwelling on his bad behaviour over the last few months, but now that you're back you need to either divide the housework evenly, apart from things that are specific to him (i.e. ironing shirts, which obviously he does himself), or hire in help if he refuses.

My DH doesn't like cleaning any more than I do, but we do it together on a Saturday morning or if he's got a lot of extra work on and I'm between clients (I'm a freelancer) I don't mind picking up the slack. But when we're both working we clean together, end of story.

I found a way to resolve it many years ago when I was in a similar situation - 3 little ones under 4 years old. He came home at lunchtime and ran his finger over the mantel shelf and found dust! He made some snitty comment and I decided I'd had enough, so when he came home in the evening I made our meal as usual and got the littles ready for bed and tidied up etc. I only had time later on in the evening to get round to a 'big' clean so I started on the vacuuming etc round about 9.00p.m. I cleaned thoroughly, cupboards ,shelves etc, He went to bed around 10ish , making no comment. Around 1.30 in the morning I finally got around to cleaning our bedroom. Unfortunately he was fast asleep but massively pissed off when I started vacuuming and cleaning the windows, dusting etc .......

Tell him to get fucked! Unbelievable. He obviously thinks maternity is the same as annual leave.

I'm on maternity with my 3 month old and my house is a tip because I'm busy tending to her most of the day. I'm tired from doing the night feeds too. I clean as and when I can but I also need to take advantage of the small pockets of time when the baby is asleep to just take some time for myself with a coffee or something.

I expect a level of input from DP with tidying either when he gets in from work or weekends. And I do absolutely no ironing for him. It's not the 1950s! Your DH is sounds like a pig, your the mother of his child/children not the maid.

Arghhhh what a wanker.

‘You can watch tv as long as you’re ironing’

Who the fucking knob jockey dies he think he is.

Tell him that as you’re now going back to work EVERYTHING gets split 50/50, in childcare, bed time routines, cooking, cleaning, shoppping EVERYTHING!

Oh and NEVER iron for him again

Not sexy is it, being put down like that, if he asks. Cheeky fucker. Neanderthal.

How do people end up with these men. It just astounds me

Thanks everyone for the suggestions. DH wasn't always like this. He always did help me around the house except for a few things which he thought were always my responsibility. I had a good conversation with DH about this and I am hopeful things will sort out for us :)

I'm sorry but being a mother, nurturing and bonding with your new baby is a 24 hour job. Everything else comes last. REGARDLESS.

You're doing an amazing job. You are raising a child and keeping house in the middle of winter all by yourself. You deserve a bloody medal.

pusspuss
That's pure genius!

Thanks Single - sometimes you have to think outside the box!

Or you could just stop completely except for baby. Let him see results of you taking it easy for real. Idiot

Dp says this to me too. I am looking after 2dc, doing laundry, washing up, tidying toys, cooking food. And I squeeze in some exercise when DC sleeping. So I don't hoove everyday and I'm not constantly tidying up. FP always says house is a mess. Before he comes in I may have toast or make sandwich for DC so I light leave crumbs and knife on side (rarely) and that's what he calls mess. Even though when I get up in morning I see he's left the bread out, half bowl of cereal, knife, crumbs, mug and toothbrush on the side. Not to mention his clothes on the floor!

Maybe he thinks it’s your responsibility because you are making it so?

He shouldn’t be “helping” you around the house any more than you should be “helping” him. Childcare and housework are a joint responsibility of people not a job just for a woman

It's not going to get better while you still use expressions like "he helps me" or "he used to help".

Never, ever, use the word help with him. Always, "his share" or similar.

I hope you don't iron his clothes.

I think it helps to have separate responsibilities, in which then we can ask for help or a trade occasionally. Otherwise, one (usually man) will tend to leave it to the other (usually woman).