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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Why does this annoy me so much?

19 replies

TwoYearsLater · 31/01/2019 10:24

NC for this as there's some personal details.

In late 2016 I was on Match and started dating someone (I'll call him MG for Match Guy). Went on a couple of "proper" dates and began seeing each other every couple of weeks (both had DC and worked full time so hard to get the time). We were sleeping together, I wasn't seeing anyone else but that was more down to free time than anything. We weren't officially in a relationship although for a while I thought it was heading that way. However it was never really relationshippy - we would chat frequently but there was always a bit of distance between us. That was OK, I was coming out of a long term relationship and not looking for anything serious.

The week before Christmas 2016 I went to his house one afternoon, we had sex, I went off to do my Christmas things with family. We texted a few times the next day then he ghosted me! I was annoyed at the rudeness but not heartbroken, and just left it at that.

Three months later he got back in touch. I told him off for ghosting me. By this time I had no illusions about him being relationship material but I thought he'd be OK to keep around as a FWB. We began a lot of sexting (which had always been part of it but now it ramped up). We met once for sex which was OK, but he really just wanted to sext, even though I was offering FWB and I thought he'd prefer the real thing to chat! In the end I got fed up with this, it wasn't doing it for me and I faded him out.

As it happened a couple of months later I met my DP and was smitten from the off, the difference was striking and we began a relationship.

MG would text me infrequently but I never engaged. I told him I was seeing someone and expected that to be the end of it. In fact he would text me every so often, usually late at night, even though I never replied.

The other night he did it again, sending me a bloody heart-eye emoji! Bear in mind this is on the back of about 7 messages that I'd just left on read! So as I was bored I looked on his twitter and saw a post that referred to a "2 year anniversary" in December last year! In other words he's been seeing someone seriously this whole time! Ugh. I would never have met up with him if I'd known that, but he's still fishing around me.

My first reaction was just "ugh, GROSS", but it's two days later and it's really playing on my mind. Why??? I was never hung up on him, wouldn't touch him with a barge pole now and am with my amazing DP who I love truly. I never loved MG and often felt like he wasn't even that likeable. Why am I so annoyed about this discovery?

Sorry for the long post, I just felt like I needed to vent but didn't want to share the gory details with anyone IRL.

OP posts:

Missingstreetlife · 31/01/2019 10:35

Because you were deceived. Move on, he's an idiot.

Myheartbelongsto · 31/01/2019 13:51

Why don't you just block his number!

Onemansoapopera · 31/01/2019 14:35

Because he 'chose' her when you were available?

NameChangeNugget · 31/01/2019 18:24

It annoys you because he really doesn’t give a fuck to be blunt.

Block him and move on

SandyY2K · 31/01/2019 21:53

How difficult is it to block him?

Original poster

TwoYearsLater · 31/01/2019 22:02

I had the notifications muted, it wasn’t until I went into messenger to see if I’d missed a message from someone else that I saw the most recent ones in the message requests bit. There were others from the past few months I hadn’t ever seen.

I don’t care that he chose her, whoever she is, truthfully. I feel a bit mislead that I thought we were on the same page (a bit lonely, single for a while, fancied a bit of fun with someone we got on ok with and knew quite well) and actually that wasn’t what it was at all - in fact I was being used by a cheater! And that wasn’t how the dynamic had been at the start or what I’d set out to get into.

Actually typing all that out helped as I didn’t think about it at all today. Maybe I just needed to dump it and get it out of my system.

OP posts:

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 31/01/2019 22:06

You've been played, and it's never good, particularly when you seemed to be on the same page. Unfortunateley Dating World seems to full of players. Makes me glad to be settled with DH.

IamFrauBlucher · 31/01/2019 22:24

Yeah you're right to feel annoyed about it. I would.

Sorry for the personal question but if you think he was in an active relationship did you use protection? That might be a concern for me if I hadn't.

But he's not your problem anymore, and you have a nice DP so put it in the past and enjoy your future.

Original poster

TwoYearsLater · 31/01/2019 22:28

Yes, that’s another thing - I was on the Pill and we didn’t use condoms (discussed at the start and no need to) - but obviously this was with the understanding we weren’t sleeping with anyone else even if not in a relationship as such. Luckily I got tested when I started my relationship with DP (we both did when we went exclusive just for peace of mind) so that’s all turned out ok. But I think, just because I didn’t explicitly ask if he was seeing anyone else, it was very very clear that I thought he wasn’t, would fully have expected our thing to fizzle out if he met someone without being upset about it, and I didn’t think he would have had the time either!

OP posts:

madeyemoodysmum · 31/01/2019 22:56

Seriously you met a guy on a dating site and you took his word you were not sleeping with anyone else and had unprotected sex

Get to a gum clinic ASAP and you better tell your partner too!!

Really irresponsible behaviour

LellyMcKelly · 31/01/2019 23:51

You were never in a relationship with him. You went on a handful of dates and had a couple of shags. You got the odd message when he was pissed and fancied a bit of attention. You haven’t even seen him for two years. Delete, block, and move on. He’s not worth your time or energy.

Boysandbuses · 01/02/2019 06:21

I am surprised that the fact that hevwoikd rather sext, didn't tip you off.

He sounds like a total dickhead. But you are the one that's made some sketchy decisions, ignored the obvious and now spending time think about the why's.

Could it be that this going round in your head because you are questioning your own actions, rather than his?

category12 · 01/02/2019 06:30

Of course there's a need to use condoms with a casual partner.

Basically it annoys you because he suckered you, and that's a blow, right in the ego.

IamFrauBlucher · 01/02/2019 08:31

@madeyemoodysmum the op said she already got tested.

WH1SPERS · 01/02/2019 08:34

This. And next time always use condoms. I can’t believe you didn’t with him.

Original poster

TwoYearsLater · 01/02/2019 08:42

I don’t need lecturing on condoms We did actually use them at first, then talk about it and discuss our histories etc so don’t assume I made hasty decisions.

OP posts:

madeyemoodysmum · 01/02/2019 08:47

I disagree. I can’t believe you can trust anyone that you’ve only known a handful of time. But that’s just me.

Boysandbuses · 01/02/2019 09:12

Clearly you do need to rethink the risks you took relating to your own sexual health.

You have found out this man has a partner.

You claim he duped you and lied to you. He was in a relationship and never told you. Why would think he was honest about is sexual health? You put a lot of trust in someone you barely knew. It's pure luck that you didn't catch anything.

Discussing your histories means nothing. He had a girlfriend and didn't tell you that.

You trusted him far too quick. Why would you have unprotected sex with some you heard my knew. Deep down this is about you feeling shit because you trusted him. Though I can't see why you would trust him ,especially after the ghosting.

category12 · 01/02/2019 11:16

Sorry, but your decision not to use condoms with a fwb looks pretty flawed to me. And I presume it does to you now, given he was sleeping with someone else. All turned out OK, but I make it a rule to only go unprotected with someone I'm actually in a committed relationship with, personally.

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