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Original poster

Man who always mentions money - AIBU?

30 replies

User200001 · 31/01/2019 10:01

Dating a man who earns a lot of money. I don’t want to say too much as it would be outing, but I know for a fact he earns a lot and he’s not lying about it. For starters I work in the same industry, but I’ve also seen his bank statement (accidentally I might add) and various other things here and there. He’s loaded, basically.

I earn a decent amount and although I can’t do what i want all the time immediately, I can pretty much plan ahead and live my life how I want. What I mean by this is that there’s nothing in his money that impresses me or makes me think more of him!!

Every so often he will throw into conversation how much he has earned that day (it can vary). The recent example is ‘I basically sat around until 5pm today and made x amount!’

I pulled him up on it and said I really didn’t need to know what he had earned in a day. He then said he understood where I was coming from, but it wasn’t that much money anyway so it’s not a big deal... the amount he had quoted he knows is around what I earn in a month.

I think he’s a dick based on the above. Am I being unfair, was it an innocent comment?

When I pulled him up he did say he only felt comfortable talking about things like that with me and wouldn’t to other people. He also said he doesn’t have flashy clothes or a flashy house (that’s more or less true), however he has been known to make quite crass comments about money such as ‘how can x not even afford a car’ - about my friend who was unemployed at the time.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/01/2019 10:05

Do not just walk away here, run!. Your assumptions are correct, do not ever ignore any gut feelings.

He is trying in his own way to put you down here and has spoken disparagingly about one of your friends. "Mean with money, mean with love" is a phrase also that springs to mind here with this man.

toach · 31/01/2019 10:06

I hope he spends loads of dosh on you.

Valentine's day coming up! Yaaaayyyyy!!!!!

Original poster
User200001 · 31/01/2019 10:07

He’s not mean with money though. He pays for things when we go out, is relaxed about finances - he doesn’t need to worry about them!

Definitely wouldn’t call him mean. I just find comments about money like this really awful, why would I want to know what he had earned and why on earth say it’s not much money when clearly to anyone else of course it is.

OP posts:
Pinkmonkeybird · 31/01/2019 10:07

He sounds like a closet snob. I couldn't date someone like that.

Sunshineandflipflops · 31/01/2019 10:09

That would be a major turn off for me. I think as long as you both earn enough to live and do the things you want (within reason), there is no reason to discuss money.
I was seeing someone last year who was a bit the other way and although I know he earned a decent amount, he would always be looking for offers/deals and based our dates around what offers he could get on Groupon. I would have rather gone for a nice walk and a coffee to be honest! He even cancelled a date I had booked at a restaurant we had discussed going to because he found an offer somewhere else (which was crap).

AnyFucker · 31/01/2019 10:10

Loadsamoneyyy he may be but he certainly has no class

TheFaerieQueene · 31/01/2019 10:11

What is he like with waiting staff in restaurants?

user1466690252 · 31/01/2019 10:12

Dh is a little bit like that. He wasn’t when I met him, he became I high earner over our relationship. Sometimes (especially with work colleagues on the same level) he becomes a bit dickish Like this. I however, am the one to say your being a cock we are lucky and then make sure he is humbled and we give to a charity or do something that reminds us how lucky we are. It isn’t his nature it’s the environment of his work I think, and he is proud of himself, he should be, but sometimes it comes across as arrogant and I am the balance that reins him back in.
I don’t think it’s necessarily a problem, it depends on how often he is like it and how willing he is to recognise it’s vulgar and rein it in

Tattybear16 · 31/01/2019 10:13

Yep, you can’t buy class. Don’t walk run fast, he doesn’t respect you.

mindutopia · 31/01/2019 10:13

It depends on how it’s said, I think, and the comfort level in your relationship. My dh is a high earner. He sometimes remarks about how he made x amount of money doing whatever. He wouldn’t say that amongst friends or family. It would be a bit uncouth. But between us, it’s a perfectly fine thing to remark about or even have a laugh at. But it comes off a bit gross if it’s constant and boasty.

Auntiepatricia · 31/01/2019 10:14

I think he’s probably just a bit ignorant. Make sure you pull him up on comments and ignorance about other people and their lives and you’ll pretty quickly see whether he is a good person willing to learn or an ignorant, self absorbed materialistic bastard. Both rich and poor people are ignorant and judgmental about the other side. But people can be educated. Hopefully he’s one of them. If he’s otherwise kind and generous then I’d say he’s just a bit blinded by his success and needs someone to challenge his understanding of the world. It sounds like he’s trying to impress you too which is not a bad thing in itself, he’s just going about it the wrong way and you need to be very clear about your values.

LilouBlue · 31/01/2019 10:17

This is one of the most unattractive things that people can do IMO. I'm doing OLD at the moment and a shocking number of men (I'm sure women do it too but I'm straight so haven't seen it, before anyone jumps on me) will find a way to shoehorn in how much they earn into conversations. One guy sent me a photo of his bank balance. Another messaged me for a "hookup". When I declined, he messaged back "oh go on, I've got loads of money and a nice car" as if that's in any way relevant?!

Anyway, I can't see the benefit for him to do this with someone he is in a relationship with. It's showing off, which is extremely unpleasant. It would certainly put me off him.

BowBeau · 31/01/2019 10:19

I had an ex like this. I remember once looking at an expensive jacket in a shop window (a few hundred £) and he said “I could buy you that”. I didn’t really know why he felt the need to say that, or what to say in response. I just felt awkward. He also used to complain about me having better qualifications than him when I grew up on a council estate and he went to a private school. Imo part of the reason we broke up was because I wasn’t good enough for him. At the time I didn’t understand that a genuinely decent person wouldn’t judge on the basis of money.

Singlenotsingle · 31/01/2019 10:20

The English don't like to talk about money or anything relating to money. We're funny like that. If you say what you earn, or how much you paid for something it's seen as boasting. He's obviously pleased and proud about what he earns. Well done him. Is he
not English?

StarbucksSmarterSister · 31/01/2019 10:22

What's his background like? Maybe he grew up poor and so his earning power is a huge deal to him? I used to work with an older guy who loved talking about what he had (ie my new Rolex etc). Turned out his parents were killed in the war, he was a Barnardo's Boy and it was a huge achievement to him that had done so well in life.

If not, then perhaps he thinks money impresses?

Or he could just be a dick, albeit a generous one.

YogaWannabe · 31/01/2019 10:22

Oh yuck, run!

Original poster
User200001 · 31/01/2019 10:26

He’s English.

He’s not a nasty person, just crazy when it comes to financial comments.

He knows roughly what I earn so to say what he said I think it’s really quite crass. It’s not the first time either.

It’s one thing being proud of what you earn. It’s ankther to have absolutely no sense of your own privilege.

OP posts:
Original poster
User200001 · 31/01/2019 10:27

He didn’t grow up poor and neither did I.

For some reason that has meant he has no understanding of other people’s financial lives.

OP posts:
BumboBaggins · 31/01/2019 11:28

Yuck yuck yuck. He might not be mean with his cash but he basically sounds like a bit of a dick. Not the kind of guy I personally would want to be with but each to his own I guess!

user1479305498 · 31/01/2019 13:42

Lots of cash, zero class !

PurpleWithRed · 31/01/2019 13:47

Wonder how he’d be if you lost your job and had to depend on him?

If you;ve told him how you feel and that he is being a crass twat and he hasn’t stopped or learned from you then leave now. (Before Valentines to really make the point...)

blueskiesandforests · 31/01/2019 13:49

User200001 you don't owe anyone a date/ repeat dates/ a relationship. If there are things you don't like at the dating stage dump and move on. You don't need a reason or to be reasonable at this stage. If you don't like his attitude to money and sneeriness at people who don't have money just say goodbye and move on, he's not right for you.

It should all be wonderful in the early stages otherwise there's no point. You shouldn't start annoying one another for years Wink

BakerBear · 31/01/2019 13:56

Dh is alittle bit like this and i ve had to rein him in and teach him over the years.

However with him it stems from his childhood and having nothing as an adult for many years.

Only my mum knows how much we earn in our family. We will pay our mortgage off in 12 months time after only having it 2 years (we rented before that) and im very embarrassed about it!!!!

Only my mum knows we will be mortgage free.

Dh doesnt see anything wrong with telling people we will be mortgage free but i feel mortified at people knowing.

HollowTalk · 31/01/2019 13:57

He sounds like a complete knob. He knows perfectly well what you earn and he says "it's nothing." Well, it's not nothing to you.

Can you imagine yourself saying something similar to a friend or family member who's broke?

Bananalanacake · 31/01/2019 15:57

Enjoy the relationship while it lasts if that's you want. Just don't move in with him. But it sounds like you won't