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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What would you do?

4 replies

Spicilydone · 31/01/2019 08:18

I'm in a group of five friends. We see each other regularly and sometimes meet in various smaller groups and pairs.

I would say I'm a bit more peripheral, partly through choice (I'm a bit more of a loner and haven't got quite as much in common as some of them do with each other) and partly through their choice. But one of the group I've always been more friendly with, going for coffees, occasional cinema trips etc.

Anyway, for the last couple of years I've been struggling as I've had a couple of experiences that have knocked me badly, including one tragic event. Recently I've gone a bit LC as I've been going through another painful event but still attend the regular groups. The friend I am closest with knows I'm struggling but I haven't heard from her outside of the group meetings for months.I've been through things for her over the last few years, with messages, going to see her, putting cards through the door etc.

When other people are struggling I know she worries about them, messages them and tries to arrange coffee etc because she's told me. I've heard nothing at all from her since well before Christmas (although Ive seen at group events).Not one message, invitation for coffee or anything.

The thing I'm wondering is should I just let it go now? I haven't got many friends, so this is a big part of my friendship group. I'm someone I think people like in passing but don't really make an effort to see. I'm someone who tends to listen rather than talk. I'm not the organiser, I'm the follower. But I'm loyal and caring. And can be quite funny at times.

I find it quite painful the way I'm not borne in mind when I'm struggling (and no it's not always me, as if anything I'm more there for her). I always have a fantasthic time when we go out. But it's also painful that it's so obvious that she doesn't care so much about me.

WWYD. Sorry this is so long!

OP posts:
showmeshoyu · 31/01/2019 11:44

You might have to reach out to them. If you've been quiet, they might have taken it that you didn't want to talk to them. Building a lasting friendship requires some effort and patience on both sides.

Mountainsoutofmolehills · 31/01/2019 11:50

they probably think you are self sufficient and as you don't reach out they probably think it's not their role. People are crap basically. So, since you are struggling a bit organise a 1 on 1 with friend to share how you feel about your life/problem so she understands. Join other social things in your area and widen your list of acquaintances - my friendship group are lazy- and have kids and busy jobs which means that actually when tings are hard their are few i'd lean on, if any to be honest. It's really wasy when you are a bit depressed to cut people out, and maybe they don't reliase quite how things feel for you right now. We go further together, look for support and share how you feel. THe girls in the class I went to no matter how hard I try are not my default pal group.....

Missingstreetlife · 31/01/2019 13:07

If you listen, people forget you may want to talk too.
I would message and say you would like to catch up soon.

Spicilydone · 31/01/2019 15:12

Some very good points. Thank you for posting. Sometimes I just need to get things back in perspective.

Yes of course you're right that I'm not always open about how tough things are, I've been trained by my parents to minimise my feelings. But that of course, isn't obvious to those around me.

It's just something I need to continue to work on.

I really appreciate you all listening.

OP posts:
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