Moving on

[Anxiousninny]

My DH left at the end of last year. Says he fell out of love with me and has already moved on. I was devastated then things got better for a while but now I suddenly feel like I'm more upset than i was to start with. I keep thinking about all the plans we had made all the good times we had through the years and I can't understand what I did to make him fall out of love with me. I want to move on and not feel so sad anymore but i don't know how. I'm tired of putting on a brave face in front of the kids and at work. I want answers that I know I'll never get. But most of all I just want to feel happy again. How can I move on?

Hi, sorry you're going through this. I'm going through similar and it's really difficult. The advice that I can pass on that might help is to make sure that you have given yourself proper time to grieve and not just try and shove your feelings aside. I feel like such a failure for still being so down and floored after three months when we were going out for less than a year, especially as he got a new girlfriend in 3 weeks. But I will feel better when I'm ready and that's at a different time to other people.

Secondly I think it's important to try and be at peace with not having all the answers and never really fully understanding or agreeing with why something happened. I desperately want him to have some sort of ephiphany and come ot me with a proper apology and an explaination that I agree with. It will never happen and festering over that is stopping me from healing.

I think also when we try so hard and things end it's hard to come to terms with it. And it's really easy to look back at the good times. My partner was emotionally abusive but I still think of all the fun we had and what we had planned for the future.

Remember that the future hasn't happened yet and it can be in your control. You can still do the fun things you planned, with someone who really loves you!

Sounds tough OP.

Have you heard of something called the Change Curve, or more specifically the Kubler Ross Change Curve (or the 5 stages of grief). Worth a browse through a few sites.

Maybe useful to achieve some insight into fluctuations in how you’re feeling.

Keep moving forward OP 🙂

Sorry this has happened, it must be very painful and scary. But people emerge from breakups, find happiness in themselves and if they want find new relationships.

The answer isn’t that you did anything wrong. That’s not how love works. You can stop loving wonderful people who are perfect in every way. But that’s not the point. Having someone love you in your life is a great thing but trying to keep someone who doesn’t is soul destroying. He can only bring you pain. That’s enough to know.

You now know what he feels. Put aside the choice he made. Knowing this would you make the choice to keep him? Would he be good enough for you? Could he give you the future that you want? Start making this about you and what you need and want. This is the time to start a new chapter. Be in charge of writing it and don’t let it be written for you.

Sorry you are feeling sad. I'm hardly an expert as my husband and I separated a year ago when I found out he was having an affair.
What I do know though, is that healing is not a linear process. It doesn't necessarily just get easier and easier. Some days I felt like I could take on the world but then the grief would knock me for six out of nowhere and I felt bereft. I still get bad days but nowhere near as extreme as those early days (and by early days I mean 6 months or so).

I referred myself for counselling as I wanted to be the best mum i could be and that my children deserved and talking to someone who didn't know me or my exh really helped. My friends were amazing but they have their own lives too.

Truth is, my exh had been unfaithful before. When we were kids and we were first together and 10 years ago. I thought he could change but that's just because I wanted him to so much. I'm not saying your exh was unfaithful but if he moved on very quickly and used the 'not in love with you' speech then there is a chance his head had been turned already, in which case there's nothing you could have done...it's all on him.

I deserved better than the value he placed on me and you deserve someone who loves you completely. It's not him but he has done you a favour by allowing you to find that person, one day, when you're ready x

Thank you all for your kind words. I know i deserve someone who will love me and deep down I don't want him back but it is hard and it's shocked me how the hurt just hits you when u think your doing ok. I'm feeling a little more positive today sometimes I just need to vent and it's definitely easier doing that on here than face to face x

The first year is horrible, and then you think it should get better. It will, but in stages. He gave you no warning, no chance to work it through, took control. You don't have to have a brave face, I'm sure the kids are confused and disrupted too. Allow yourself a little grief as it comes up and you will reach a better place.