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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is my marriage dead

13 replies

Olgapolga · 30/01/2019 21:38

So I'll try to explain this as briefly as I can. I am 34 and have been married for 8 years. I am married to a lovely man, but we are currently separated. I still respect him, but I do not love him. I don't find him attractive and in fact his looks and mannerisms put me off. Before we separated we had sex 3 times in a year. We have become more like friends and after a break we both realised this. That's the kinder side of the story. The other part is that we agreed not to have kids and I thought that's what I wanted. But now at 34 I think I do want kids, but definitely not with him. I recently had an alarm call that said you do want kids. If you loved him the way you were supposed to love a husband you would want kids with him. He agrees that the separation is right, but my mum keeps telling me to reconcile and it's making me confused. There is no abuse, he is a good guy, it's just long term low level unhappiness and I feel that I am able to start again and look for happiness elsewhere. I'm no spring chicken I know, but 34 is too young to be feeling the deep panic about a dead in the water marriage and a definite future without kids. Looking for advice. My mum thinks I'm wrong to be taking my chances as I've not left a bad man, but just one who I don't think is right for me. Anyone else been here or have a view? Help.

OP posts:
Villagelifer · 30/01/2019 21:46

You don't want to have sex with him. His looks and mannerisms put you off. You want to have kids and he doesn't. You don't think he's right for you. Each one of those sentences on its own is enough to end a relationship.

lightisrightisnight · 30/01/2019 21:51

Yes, sounds pretty dead to me!

Original poster
Olgapolga · 30/01/2019 22:04

I know. That's what I feel. It has been burning away for a while, but since it has come out it feels like we have gone from "happily" married to separated so quick. I think people are in shock and their reactions are making me nervous. Worried that in 6 months time I realise it's been a mistake. I don't feel that now, but it's a worry.

OP posts:
altiara · 30/01/2019 22:12

Ignore your mum, she may have a completely different agenda to you - eg not wanting to tell her friends your marriage ‘failed’ or something.
I think if you told her straight he doesn’t want children and I do, then she can’t argue (too much!)
Stay strong!! Flowers

Bess78 · 30/01/2019 22:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Borderterrierpuppy · 30/01/2019 22:27

Listen to yourself not your Mum, you are easily young enough to meet someone you really click with a have children with.
Divorce ASAP and move forwards .

showmeshoyu · 30/01/2019 22:27

Once it's gone it's usually gone. You've "grown apart" don't let somebody try to convince you to reconcile if you're not feeling it. You know what has to happen but it's natural you feel pangs of guilt or uncertainty. You're not going to magically start fancying him again.

NS1985 · 31/01/2019 03:45

Hi - I'm a man, hope you dont mind me posting. Came on Mumsnet to see what it was about after hearing about it from my wife. Interesting to read things from a womans perspective - though much of the advice is less distinguishable male/female as opposed to sensible/perhaps less so.
Anyway - jeez oh 34 is not old at all! If you're in an unhappy marriage that cannot be fixed then part amicably and start again. Not having kids will - if you want them - be a regret for the rest of your days I would imagine. And if you're not happy in the marriage chances are he isnt either. If my wife posted this message I'd pack her bags for her ! (in a nice way ha!)
It sounds like you know this already though, so just be yourself and best of luck.

Aquamarine1029 · 31/01/2019 03:49

Your marriage is DEAD. Over and done. Move on and do so as quickly as possible. Ignore your mother because she isn't the one who has to live your life. It's time for a new beginning.

Monty27 · 31/01/2019 03:58

It's not about your mum it's about you and DH.
You don't love him anymore, you want DC's therefore hopefully you will meet someone you love and respect and would like to have DC's with. Good luck. Be happy. Smile

CF43 · 31/01/2019 09:21

I know how you are feeling, I didn't have my son till I was 36 and he's now 7 and the best thing that has happened to me. I stayed with my husband for 7 years after having our son because I thought it was the right thing to do for our son, it isn't now we are in the process of a divorce and things are looking much better.

It started so slowly with me when our son was 2, we didn't do things together anymore and happier doing things we wanted to do seperatley, we still have a laugh together now but the old feelings aren't there anymore. It's time to move on now when you don't have kids and it's easier to split up believe me, and you'll find someone again when its right for you.

NAR78 · 31/01/2019 09:34

34 is still young. If your financial secure and can get out. Do it.

hellsbellsmelons · 31/01/2019 09:36

He gives you the 'ick factor' now.
There's no coming back from that!
You are doing the right thing.
Ignore everyone else.
You are a 34 YO woman with your own mind.
Trust yourself.

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