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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

After 6 years apart I suddenly can't stop thinking about my ex

3 replies

JSBF · 30/01/2019 19:19

It's a long one, sorry!

About 6 years ago I had an on again off again relationship with this guy. I had been severely hurt in past relationships so had big trust issues and never fully committed to being his 'girlfriend' even though he really wanted us to be together. It was an open relationship (my decision, not his) as I couldn't commit. In the end it got too much for us both and we decided to call it a day. He got a girlfriend about a month or two later which was very painful for me to see and we never spoke again as his girlfriend wasn't comfortable with us hanging out (completely understandable).

Since then i've had other relationships (both flings and long-term) and I am currently in a LTR. I haven't really thought about the ex in a romantic way since then - until recently. I was looking through old messages and emails with friends when I came across conversations I had with him. I had completely forgotten how sweet and patient he was, and how mature and loving the relationship was compared to ones I have had since. I'm sure it's me looking through rose-tinted glasses, but it made me feel incredibly sad and full of regret. I am a much stronger person now, and feel if I met him now and was single i'd 100% go for a relationship with him.

I don't really have any organic way of seeing him/talking to him, plus I love my current partner so much, so doubt anything would happen - i'm not sure I would even want anything to happen. But I can't stop thinking about what life might be like if I had bitten the bullet and gone for it. I have been fine for 6 years but now feel heartbroken all over again.

So is there any way I can stop feeling this way and thinking about him? With other exs i've just remembered the reasons why we ended, but with this one it was purely because I wasn't ready at the time, so it's nothing he did wrong. I can't stop fantasising about whether we'd still be together now and what we'd be doing/checking up on him to see what he's doing/feeling sad that he's not in my life anymore. How do I stop thinking about him?

OP posts:
merville · 30/01/2019 22:20

Sorry to be harsh but

plus I love my current partner so much

Isn't that why and how you stop thinking about him.

If you really do, then theoretically you would not ehd current relationship even if you got back in contact with him and even if he was single (unlikely) and if he was open to a relationship with you again (possibly unlikely) so what is the point of thinking about him?

It's probably rose-tinted glasses syndrome to some extent too.

O think you'll have to change your way of thinking about him to 'im glad he was in my life, I'm glad I had that time/experience CV with a decent person, I'll always value it ....'

merville · 30/01/2019 22:21

Dunno how CV snuck in there, sorry autocorrect!

showmeshoyu · 30/01/2019 22:38

It's natural to fantasize about what could be. But it's usually best to leave it as just that, fantasy.

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