Alopecia destroying my marriage, help please!!

[tulips86]

I've had alopecia areata for 3 years now but it has been a lot worse the past year or so. I should mention I'm female, 38, and married with two children one teen and one in primary school.

Our marriage has had all the usual ups and downs that any together for 15 years+ will have. There have been a few big resentments we both hold however at the end of the day the desire to stay together has outweighed them. No abuse or infidelity but other issues.

So you'd think when I got alopecia we could overcome it considering what we've overcome in the past, however, my alopecia is creating a huge void in our relationship.

I constantly find myself pushing him away during sex, I am constantly jealous and literally cannot believe he would still be attracted to me. Every time he so much as talks to a woman with hair, the feelings I have inside are horrible. I hope this is not offensive to anyone - I can see the value of anyone else beyond their hair, but can't seem to do it for myself.

I'm paranoid he will leave me, and our social life is suffering as well. We have quite a few joint interests, but I cannot bring myself to go most of the time due to stares and I feel 'sorry' for him having to be with me when people stare, if you see what I mean.

I feel like a fraud and that I am not what he signed up for.

He was very supportive at first, but we are now having serious problems and arguing almost every day. I look in the mirror and hate what I see. despite not being vain as such I just don't feel like me or attractive so I can't be intimate.

I have wigs and pretty headscarves but we are on a low income so I can only afford basic ones which don't really look real unless in a very low light. Although I wear them anyway, because I think I look even worse with no hair framing my face (I have quite a 'sharp' face). I live in hats. I now have social anxiety because I've had so many looks and a few comments. Husband says he prefers me 'au natural' and that wigs are hiding, but I prefer wigs.

I have tried and tried to get over these feeling but I just can't, and so there is now talk of divorce because we are both miserable ): ):

He says it doesn't bother him, but I can see the look in his eyes when he looks at me, and even though he tried to hide it and never says anything derogatory, it's just not the same ): ):

Sorry, I don't really know what I expect people to say, just a last ditch attempt to see if any advice could help..

I think you need intensive therapy op, have you seen your dr about depression? You may benefit from some antidepressants also, but getting counseling is number one priority to save your marriage.

I have seen my GP and they referred me to a BACP registered counsellor I have been seeing since this started, who only charges me 10 pounds a fortnight on a sliding scale. I feel it has been of benefit for other things in my life (past traumas etc), but despite spending at least 50% of sessions trying to deal with this alopecia and the feelings it causes, I still am stuck and have not progressed ): ):

What you have to remember, is that this is a massive thing. You're not going to come to to terms with it quickly. You can't accept that your DH still finds you attractive so you automatically push him away. You may continue to do this and it will become a self fullfilling prophecy.

First, you must be very honest with your DH, and also look for a way to buy yourself a decent wig. If you think you look better, you'll feel better. Then you must continue with therapy. It's not a quick fix, but is something you need.

I can't begin to understand how you must feel, but there are many people out there who will. I suggest reading Things Get Better by Katie Piper, some of her writing may strike a chord.

How long have you been seeing the therapist? It's not a magic overnight cure, it takes time, sometimes a long, long time.

I can relate up to a point, a very small point, bcs I've had chemo and my hair has come back very thin. It really hurts. My 90yo mum has much thicker hair than me.

Have you been in touch with any groups or organisations who deal with the very same things you are facing? I'm a huge fan of peer support: facing something difficult with others who know exactly what it's like. I'd find it difficult to talk to someone about hair loss who has a full head of hair for example. I'd think "what tf do you know lady?"

This is in the category of body dysmorphia in a way and it's destroying your marriage. Do you have kids? Do everything you can to save this marriage for their sake.

I feel for you. I also get the low income thing. Ime you have to badger the ptb (gp) for effective treatment. See if your current therapist specialises in body dysmorphia/hair loss/alopecia. If not, find one who does. Get some tips from any support groups you find (even if the support is virtual rather than f2f).

Sending love tulips

I'm sorry OP. I also have alopecia (mostly bald) and there are no easy answers. What helped me was antidepressants, psychotherapy, support groups and time. Alopecia UK run local support groups and I would encourage you to contact your nearest group leader - they will get you in touch with the best local people to help. With regards to cheap wigs, don't underestimate the power of a good cut and baby powder to remove shine!

Thanks, yes it is definitely becoming a self-fullfilling prophecy.

Unfortunately, there is no way of me being able to afford a decent wig. I had one 3 years ago which cost £2500 and even then, and with styling, it was only close to realistic. I borrowed a huge amount from my family to get that one, which lasted a year (wigs shed hair as well). I felt happy in that wig. But we are on minimum wage and I am on a zero hours contract and we are heavily in debt with a high monthly rent and children's needs. Sadly I cannot afford that every year, and my family cannot help out any more. I have tried on wigs which are about £600 a year, but even these we just can't afford as more than a one off, and they do need replaced every year ): ):

Thanks for the book recommendation as well, I will look that up xx

Alopecia support groups

I didn't want to read and run. I imagine if I put myself in your position I would feel exactly the same, I really feel for you.

Every relationship has its ups and downs, but don't let the loss of your hair cause the loss of your marriage. I've put on weight recently... and I feel the same but with regards to skinny women and so on... however all I can think is how I would feel if my partner got really fat... and I would still love him. Your partner will not love you any less without hair, he fell in love with you.

I'm sure you look just as beautiful to him 💕

Thank you to the others too, I am trying, and in winter it's certainly better. As you say, I put talc and dry shampoo on the cheaper wigs and it looks ok but only with a hat, but I cannot wear a hat for intimacy.

Please don't laugh, but I recently got a black out blind for our bedroom (we can normally only be alone when DC at school and our days off), hoping in the dark I'd feel more confident, but the general effects ie not wanting to go to our hobbies we used to do together as people stare and I feel sorry for him having to be with me ): ): hasn't helped.

I have joined AUK and it does help a bit xx

Thanks, yeah it is exactly like the descriptions I've read of body dismorphia, although people DO stare at me and I hate it ): ):

Have been doing the counselling for 4 years since this began. And have two children aged 14 and 9. My children and I have a great relationship, but they have said they prefer me wearing a headscarf or hat and don't like the wigs, which makes me feel even worse, although I don't show it to them.

My main problem is, that although I truly believe my husband still loves me, when he says he is still attracted to me I don't believe it - he 100% certainly does not look at me in the same way and it hurts. a lot ): ):

Is a topper an option OP?

I have wigs and also toppers, I just cannot realistically afford a natural looking one every year - the real looking ones are sooo expensive xx

Have you seen these?

www.beautifulbetsy.co.uk/

Didn’t want to read and run either. You poor thing: you are in a horrible situation so please be kind to yourself - don’t beat yourself up for feeling so low and for not ‘getting over it’.

I don’t have very much advice I’m afraid, just two ideas

One practical thing might be to try for a completely different type of wig? You say that what you can afford doesn’t look natural - so instead of going for something which will always feel like a poor copy of your old hair, could you go for something that is really different, maybe an ‘artificial’ colour like pink or bright blonde where there isn’t such a comparison to real hair for you and looking unnatural is the whole look? If it’s a style you could be comfortable with it might be worth a go?

My other advice is please don’t push your husband away as you deserve all the support around you you can get and from what you’ve shared he sounds like a decent man who loves you and is trying to help. Maybe try to imagine if the situation was reversed and how you would feel if you were unable to comfort him when he felt this way. You say you can see ‘in his eyes’ he doesn’t desire you but I think it sounds much more like he is worried about you, and doesn’t want to pressure you for any sort of sex if you aren’t ready or really up for it. Could that not be the case?

Also agree with everyone else’s advice to find others in the same situation to speak to.

Good luck OP,  for you xx

I have, and actually now you linked, some of them aren't as expensive as I thought.
We are literally on a very very low budget, both on minimum wage and struggling with UC wage top ups not being applied most months.
I hope, hope, hope I can afford one of these. I could probably afford £300 a year.
I really need my confidence back. I do have stretchmarks but nothing has ever made me so self concsious as this hairloss ): ):

He is a good man overall. In that he has never made me feel bad, or even commented. But I DO see that he doesn't look at me the same way (with desire) that he used to. He looks at other parts (tmi) instead, but he used to look at all of me.
I know that probably he can't help that, but it still hurts. He still intitiates sex quite often, I never do, but it has become a minefield for both of us, because I cannot relax at all and constantly push him away, which I think has destroyed his confidence. He is 10 years older than me and smokes, so he doesn't 'function' quite as he did when he was younger - even though rationally it probably isn't all my alopecia causing his slow-down in sex - I cannot separate this as this coincided roughly with when I got the alopecia, and blame myself and my alopecia for this and it is tearing an otherwise good relationship apart.

If it helps you the lady that owns that business has videos on You Tube. Well worth a watch and gives hope of something like “normal”. I know where you’re coming from.

Xxxx

Is a wig something that can be bought secondhand? Better secondhand good quality, than something cheap that you're not happy with.
Sorry if that's a silly question though

Could you invest in a more expensive wig and wear it only for intimate times? Would that help it last much longer?

I have really quite severe trichotillomania and he e been wearing wigs/Hair pieces since I was a teenager. We're really really skint at the moment so I made my current wig. 2 packs of weft hair extensions and a closure from a local shop, a decent wig cap from Amazon and a couple of hours in front of the telly sewing and I have a full, human hair, lace front wig that cost 150 all in. The 2 packs of weft extensions is too much so there is extra to replace bits that get tatty and so far (with 18 hours wear a day for 8 months), she's looking really good still.

If you can see a basic blanket stitch I honestly would recommend giving it a try.

You can get second hand wigs from oncology centres, quite cheap.

We were given a free wig through NHS, do you get the same, or at least some kind of bursary?

I love the idea of you making your own though! What a great idea.

I'm wondering if your husband doesn't look at your face bcs you are so sensitive about it he daren't?

I didn’t want to read and run so I just wanted to reply and say I know how upsetting alopecia is. I suffer with it and have done ever since I was at primary school (spotted by classmates at 7 years old, loudly! And for four more years I was known as the bald girl) since then it comes and goes - large, bald patches, in various places, throughout my scalp, brought on by stress. The first time was because my dad was away in the army, then GCSE’s, A-Levels, relationship breakdowns, work stress etc.

It affects my life hugely. I know I’m lucky in that I can mostly hide it but at 33 years old, my Mum has to make my appointments at the hairdressers for me (when I can pluck up the courage to go that is...very, very rarely) - I had a really bad experience when I didn’t realise I had a number of large patches on the back of my head and the hairdresser spotted it and loudly said “oh my god, you have a huge bald patch” in front of a packed salon of people. I barely held it together but the moment I got to my car, I cried hysterically. Now, my Mum tells the hairdresser when booking an apt for me, that if they see anything then to not mention it. I’m mortified by it and it never gets easier to deal with the upset and embarrassment and the dreading it being spotted.

I can barely talk about it, even with my parents or boyfriend because it just breaks me.

I know our situations aren't comparable but I just wanted to let you know, that to some extent I know how hard it is and I understand how you feel. Sending you lots of love 💐

Intensive therapy comment made me sigh. What the poor op needs is some money and a decent wig. They can look incredibly realistic for £350 nowadays. Check YouTube. There's a good maker in Bristol. They'll tailor it & cut it on your head & style it for your face. No one will be able to tell it's not real & it stays on even in the shower. Needs removing & cleaning once every few days I think. (20 mins?)