Dogs & children

[Jasmum]

I hope someone on here can help me withthis...Just finished another stressful famiy BBQ this afternoon at my sisters house who has a big boxer dog. My DD is 2 & is scared of him I'm not sure I understand what's going on. My sis is older then me & is desperately wanting a baby after many miscarriages the last one earlier this year at 23 weeks. The dog jumps up licks people & has very strong paws & body, I don't beleive he would ever intentionally harm anybody but just doesn't know his own strength. They will not put him on a lead or in the house because it's his home & it's their baby. It get's very stressful with my DD crying, clinging & my siter getting annoyed because she won't settle down or change how she is with him. Personally I think she's more bothered by him then he is with her, but when she cries plays with toys or goes anywehre he's all over her. DP is very over-protective of DD which makes it worse & whips her up in the air & spends the first 20 minutes at teh other end of the garden not putting her down on the floor. My sis gets fed up with DP & say's he makes it worse & they should be left to get on with it. DP hates the dog - the dog is centre of their universe DD is ours. Everyone is fed up with the dog slobbering over nice clothes & doing whatever he wants licking chairs, tables but no-one says anything as sis is so desperate for a child & it would be thrown in our faces. I am so fed up with being upset every time we go round their which is as often as I can avoid lately. I can't help but wonder if I've missed the point with dogs.....am I being unfair?

No, I don't think you're being unfair, naturally you want to protect your child. But your sister is right about it being her house and her right to have the dog there. It is also up to her to decide whether the dog is safe with her own children when the time comes.

I would suggest staying away as far as possible. Could she come to you instead? Or meet somewhere neutral???

Thanks for replying, the dog has the run of the house & garden so staying far away is not an option. I unfortunately don't have a garden just a 2nd floor maisonette, the only other place is our mothers who's 35 mins away & then my sister's husband wouldn't come because they can't leave the dog on his own & my mum's husband won't have the dog at his house. It's a real nightmare & one that I'm stuck in the middle of.

Do you have to visit her?

Jasmum, I totally sympathise with you.

We have a dalmatian who is clumsy, likes to jump up at people, he sheds hair like a snowstorm and if you let him will sit and drool whilst you eat. He was the centre of our world before we had DD, and DH and I were very concerned about how he would behave when we brought DD home. We need not have worried, he is an absolute angel with her and DD adores him. She has been knocked over a few times and wacked by his tail, but in all they are best pals.

However, we do set ground rules when visitors come. They say hello to the dog and he has a welcome fuss, but then he is sent to the kitchen where he settles down on his blanket. Otherwise he jumps, licks etc. If it is close family he is allowed to stay with us. He fusses for a while then once he knows who has arrived, he will chill out in a corner.

Dogs like dalmatians and boxers can be hyper if not trained correctly. (I wish we had taken our dog for training when he was a pup). Boxers are notoriously slobbery and fussy. It seems like your sis has really spoiled the dog and he is the boss in the house and very ill mannered - jumping up and licking people. Your sis needs to realise that she is not being fair letting the dog terrorise your DD. She will end up being terrified of all dogs if this carries on.

I wish I had an easy answer for you, but I am afraid there is only one way and that is for your sis to be more in control. take charge with the dog, banish him when you visit and take him to obedience lessons.

It's just because she has a big house & garden that's the natural place to meet. this weekend was a bit different as our other sister who lives in the States is visting & is staying in this area so it was obvious place. Also my sister has been upset this week she so wants a baby & having our other sister over with her DD & me with mine it's made her feel extra sad this week, so we all went there. Xmas has now been moved to her place & so if I want to see other people then yes I have to go there or say I'm not goin g because of the dog.

Do you like the dog Jasmum?

I don't have a problem with him except he's big, bouncy & licks everything. And yes he's quite cute. I used to really like dogs but since having a baby I think they're quite disgusting.

jasmum I agree with you comletely.

I just don't "get" dogs.

I can't stand dogs around children and the blinkered view owners have "oh, he won't hurt you he loves children, he's just trying to be friendly"

Yea, right. A moment ago the dog was licking its bollocks and now it's licking your baby's face. That's NOT okay in my book and I am the least hygienic mother I know

Wish I could advise. A friend of mine had a similar boxer ( I hate those bloody ugly slobbering hounds with a passion ) jumped over eveyone and snatched a sausage out my baby's hand once. My friend was in every other respect nice and intelligent but had a blind spot about her dog. SHe emigrated and took the dog. I was very sorry to see her go but glad she took old slobbery chops with her.

should add I used to like dogs too until I had kids!

ooh.. hot topic this one.. (I had a rant strand not so long ago re dogs and kids.. got very heated!)
I don't really have a problem with dogs, but I do their owners, who often treat them as surrogate children.
re your problem jasmum, I would avoid visiting at their home until either a) dd is old enough to stand up to dog.. or b) sister respects you and your child enough to contain the dog for duration of visit (ffs it's not asking much is it?)

Well, the dog is a dog but when there's no baby (and someway you think you won't have one) the dog becomes the "baby" and stupid as it may sound your sister is acting the part of the mother with him (and that dog is definitively a spoiled one)

I think you are right about being concerned, I love dogs but I know even a playful one can cause a lot of damage specially if it's big (not to scare you off but one of my cousins had to have plastic surgery being 6 yrs old when a playful jumping german sheperd scratched her face with its nails).

Obviously your sister is in the wrong but she is also in her house, so I guess the sugestion of meeting in your house or in other neutral place is the best, even if it means meeting in a place without garden, though maybe with a good conversation you can get a compromise between your two points?

if they can't come to your house because they can't leave the dog alone,fair enough; if you can't come to their house either as it's unsafe for your DD is also fair enough.

could you visis your sister without your DP? It would appear you like the dog more than he does. Perhaps go out for a walk with your sister, the dog and DD, let DD throw a ball for the dog to catch etc , she might find it amusing and start to like the dog eventually?

I think before I visited again, i'd have a conversation about it. One like 'it would be lovely to see you - but let's maka plan about DD and the dog, because we all seem to be getting ourselves a bit stressed. i'd like DD to get used to him, so would it be ok to have a welcome play, and then for him to be fed in the kitchen for a while? Or maybe we could all go out for a walk together so that DD can see him in a less confined space, and then he'll be tired and could stay in the house for a rest when we get back to yours?'

If she is unreasonable about this, then i'm afraid she is simply unreasonable, and you shouldn't be the one to put up with it: meet elsewhere and if she can't leave the dog, tough!

Have you discussed this at a suitably neutral, relaxed time - ie when defintely dog, and possibly also your dd and dp are not there? I love dogs but also know what a pain in the neck big bouncy ones can be with small children. When you're there, feeling tense coz the dog is bouncing up and down and dd is upset - is not the time to discuss it. You could present it as a joint problem - say - it always gets a bit tense when we visit doesn't it? Don't make it sound like it's the dog and her approach that's the problem, make it sound like it's the combination of their house being the best place to meet, your dd being nervous of the dog, the dog's lovely friendly nature (!) - what shall we do? Play on the positives - how you love visiting coz of their lovely garden, how you'd like dd to learn to like animals. Personally it sounds like this dog has not been set enough boundaries but for you to come out and say that would, I would say, impossible. It could easily be taken as akin to criticising someone's parenting skills and in the circumstances would be particularly upsetting. I hope you can resolve this. The idea of going for walks with the dog is a good one - he'll have space to bounce and run without being in dd's face

We have a dog (1 year old so still a pup) and a 3 year old. Whenever children (or adults who aren't comfortable around dogs) visit we respect them enough to confine th dog to the kitchen. We find using a stairgate is best becase it's not like she is 'shut in'. I think your sister is being unreasonable - how would she act if an adult was afraid of the dog? Dogs are not babies and should not be treated as such.

in always lock my dogs up too when people visit as they are very bouncy dogs and I dont think its fair to let them bound around everywhere

I feel like gingerbear, ghengis and fio2. I love dogs, everyone in our family has one and usually the big bouncy ones or worse the small dangerous terrier type.
When my daughter was born, the first of a generation on both our sides, all dogs are put away. I really don't have a problem with expecting that and I never needed to ask, it was accepted as common decency.
When she is older she will beable to deal with them.

I'm a dog-owner and just do/would not allow my dog to behave like this - it's outrageous and unhygenic - dog slobber is yuck, but dog slobber over a toddler is really yuck. I don't even think your DP is being over-protective, no-one can ever say their dog is completely harmless and as this dog has the added advantage of strength, then he could injure without intending to. Honestly, I just would not visit again and if your sister wants to know why, I think you'll have to be honest and just tell her it stresses you out.
There is a natural hierarchy that unfortunately some dog-owners just don't understand and that means kids are higher up the chain than dogs.

here here Mum2girls!!

I have a boxer dog and he does slobber (usually when he's smelling nice food or tired).
My sisters boy (aged 3)has always been wary of him and the dog picks up on it and acts strange too. I have a simple solution to keep them apart!
I think your sister is a little unreasonable not to lock him up for a few hours!
I'm sure the dog gets a bit stressed at the situation too TBH! They can sense things a mile off.

Hope she listens to reason or as Chandra said, comes to your home instead!

Mum2girls has said it all - children's needs should be put before those of dogs, however much of a child substitute a dog is. I just wouldn't go there and tbh I think you're being emotionally blackmailed by your sister. It's very sad that she hasn't been able to get pregnant yet, but it doesn't give her the right to be unreasonable about everyday stuff.

thanks Guys will try all of the below. We have done walks before but he jumps in the buggy or if she holds the ball he'll snatch it out of her hands, you can't even have your hands in your pockets as he thinks there's something in there for him but could try again. Other then that I think the only way is honesty, it's so sensitve that I'll just have to be very careful. We have discussed this at various times & basically it's been said that the dog will never change so DD will have to.

just wanted to add that I agree with everyone that your sister is, basically, being unreasonable, but was trying to think of a way in which you might be able to resolve the situation without falling out

just cross-posted and read your latest. Sorry to say but I think that's quite outrageous. It's not the dog that needs to change! it's your sister's handling of him. I am a total dog lover and grew up with them. but, were I to have one now, that doesn't mean they should be allowed to behave in a way that caused distress to guests in my house. Ok, if a friend said they would only come to visit if I put it in kennels then I might say stuff off, but I really don't think that restraining a dog from jumping all over a small child is remotely unreasonable. poor you. You really sound like you've tried.

This is awful. I like dogs but I would be scared if I was on their eye level as a child is. Large dogs need to be kept away from children and introduced gradually if, and only if, everyone involved is happy about it.