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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What would you consider as ghosting in early days?

18 replies

Readytorewind · 29/01/2019 22:26

I'm not that fussed about this because we've only had 4 dates and I was unsure about starting something new anyway but would you consider 24 hours no contact (but has been online today) as ghosted?

Up until yesterday was several texts a day. Asked me to go away with him in a few weeks on Sunday just gone. Today, nothing.

OP posts:

Lorddenning1 · 29/01/2019 22:29

Not after 4 dates no, I think after a week I would start to get worried.

SleepWarrior · 29/01/2019 22:33

I thought things needed to be more serious to be a proper ghosting?

Still, a day of no texting could be absolutely anything. I don't think it would occur to me to think I was being ditched. Don't overthink it (unless it is something more subtle setting your spider senses tingling - sometime we notice things without realisimg).

Original poster

Readytorewind · 29/01/2019 22:34

Okay. It was just the break in contact. Was feeling a bit relieved

OP posts:

SleepWarrior · 29/01/2019 22:36

Oh you were hopeful that you'd been ghosted?

Equalityumber · 30/01/2019 06:52

I always think a change in texting behaviour is never a good sign. Asking you to go away with him so early feels a bit like future faking to me as well.

Do you have another date planned in?

Original poster

Readytorewind · 30/01/2019 07:09

No, no date planned for this weekend as he's away.

It wasn't so much that I was hoping he ghosted me. The relief is that I've been so anxious about starting something new. The fact that he may have taken the decision out of my hands and ghosted me is the relief. I did really like him but my anxiety was really high as I wasn't sure I was ready

OP posts:

Boredboredboredboredbored · 30/01/2019 07:16

I too was very very anxious when I first started dating again. Luckily for me my first date was with a lovely bloke who thought my madness was endearing and we are still together. It took me ages to get my head around a new relationship though!

Partylikeits2019 · 30/01/2019 07:22

I think a lot depends on your last messages.

You asking something but no response = ghosting

Your last conversation winds down naturally and neither picks it up again = not ghosting

AlwaysSomethingThere · 30/01/2019 07:24

I hate ghosting. Whether it's one date or ten why can't fully grown adults just send a text saying "it's not me, it's you"?

Pathetic.

Original poster

Readytorewind · 30/01/2019 07:25

Actually I've just looked back on the last messages we exchanged on Monday night and he'd said I wasn't a conventional date. This was reference to the fact that on our last date I'd suggested that maybe I was a bit old for him (I'm 39, he's 31). Maybe I've talked him out of it but in his last message he said;

'I think it suggests you shouldn’t worry as much about how I feel, if I didn’t take your suggestion!'

He knew I was anxious and could tell. I've had a tough time relationship wise so this is probably for the best. For both of us haha!

OP posts:

Original poster

Readytorewind · 30/01/2019 07:27

But yes AlwaysSomethingThere wish he'd have just come out and said it.

Not had a good morning message today either so that's two days. He's definitely done.

OP posts:

Partylikeits2019 · 30/01/2019 08:05

It does sound like he may not be sure either?

Who knows.

Ug I hate online communication etiquette and all of that. It makes me loopy.

SaltedIceCream · 30/01/2019 08:18

I would say ghosting is probably a few days before I’d say that’s what he’s doing. If he hasn’t messaged by tonight then I’d say he’s ghosting you.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 30/01/2019 08:34

If you're feeling relief, I'd trust that.

Original poster

Readytorewind · 30/01/2019 19:36

He messaged at teatime. Just said work had been busy past two days. I just replied with a breezy 'Overwhelming busy? Thought you had gone quiet. I'm fine, lots of snow here' and yes just messaging as normal now

I know he's an introvert so perhaps he was just having decompression time. My guards up though now. He can make the effort.

OP posts:

Dieu · 30/01/2019 19:43

But it doesn't sound like you're that bothered about him anyway?!

Careful you don't want to hear from him just for the ego boost of not being ghosted, if that makes sense.

If it makes you feel better, I'd be the same as you in this situation. A change in communication shakes me up a little, and makes me want to rip off the plaster, especially if I've seen that they've been online.

Original poster

Readytorewind · 30/01/2019 19:52

I just can not be arsed to game play. I wanted to get to know him before I decided how I feel about him IYSWIM and see if the weird anxiety was relieved by that.

I have never felt like this before in a relationship, I think it's a good thing though. I'm on high alert and wary for a reason and feel protected by that

OP posts:

Dieu · 30/01/2019 19:55

Fair point. Take it as it comes, and don't just wait for things to go wrong.

Hope it works out!

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