Going no NC with someone - your experiences

[Oooarrnamechange]

Hi all

So I have a really bad relationship with my mother and it’s getting worse rather than better. She is the type of character who is never in the wrong, has a victim complex and will never apologise. As a result of this I can’t see us getting past some issues. I feel like I should go NC or LC as she is just bringing me down and as I am expecting DC1 (her first grandchild) I don’t want them exposed to her behaviour either.

When you went NC or LC did you announce that was what you were doing or did you just slowly close off contact?

My mum is sulking with me but messages me about unimportant stuff just to make sure I’m still “there” although she’s being unpleasant about it

I'd highly recommend you post on the Stately Homes thread too, where this kind of thing is commonly discussed and the very experienced people will see it.

Your mother sounds like a classic narcissist by the way.

"But we took you to Stately Homes" - survivors of dysfunctional and toxic families www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3436970-But-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes-survivors-of-dysfunctional-and-toxic-families

Your mother sounds exactly like mine.

I wrote an email stating why and cut off all contact. She doesn't seem concerned and has never met my DD. That was 15 years ago.

She never liked me and is a total narc.

and I meant to say OP people tend to think it is YOU not the parent, it's tough

My DH was NC with his mother for about 4 years up until her death, she never met our youngest DCs. He saw her one last time when the end was near. He doesn't regret his decision to go NC at all, even with her dying. He did what was best for him and our kids at the time. He had a lifetime of her behaviour and poor choices and didn't want her to influence the kids in any way. There was no big scene at the time, they were pretty LC anyway as he did all the contacting, but he just let everything taper off and she didn't contact him.

Yes, I didn't want my mother to have any influence on DD at all.

I wouldn't even go to her funeral. I hate her.

I have a different take on it as I went NC and then it changed to LC and our relationship got better. It's like my mum knows she has to behave properly now. But each situation is different.

I didn't announce what I was doing when I went NC. I dealt with it with a therapist for years and became strong enough to use boundaries with her. I would recommend if you are about to have a child this is your most vulnerable time and to be very careful

Thanks all!

@ScabbyHorse that’s what I’d hope would happen as the idea of cutting contact is scary. Even if she did behave better she wouldn’t be doing it for the right reasons. She would still be super bitter. She holds grudges and never forgives anyone (she regularly brags about holding grudges)

I didn't feel able to go NC with my mother, for various reasons. But I have gone LC with her. I didn't make any kind of announcement. I just did it over the course of about 6 months. I don't think she's even realised to be honest! But it's made me feel a whole lot better. She'll never change so now I view her as a distant relative. I never try and talk to her about my problems (it never helped when I did!) and I don't put myself out for her anymore. It's sad but it's much better for me.

I do feel like counselling and CBT would be really beneficial. I do have a lot of unresolved issues I think.

I can’t afford it at the moment but I definitely will be sorting something out after maternity leave

40 years of backstory. The last time I spoke to my mother she was behaving as she always does. Shouting at me yelling abuse, calling me a liar. I would usually shout back and then try and reason with her.
For once I didn't react, I just waited for a pause and said I'm sorry that you feel like that, I'm not going to respond, I'm going to put the phone down now. I was really calm. Then I said ok Mum I'll just leave it up to you then, you get back in touch when you are ready.
I did hear from her about 2 years later, it's too complicated to explain why she got in touch. I emailed her back and told her I'd had enough and that it was the end of the line for us. It felt great and I haven't heard a word from her since.
She's about 85 now so I don't suppose I'll ever see her again and tbh I'm not bothered. She is still in touch with my DS and if she asked to see me I might consider it but believe you me her reasons will be very suspect.
Btw my DS is 40 and has a wife and two children, he sees her but we don't discuss her. I don't hate her I'm indifferent and I probably wouldn't go to her funeral either.
Sorry for the very long post.

Yes, to the holding grudges, my mother is queen of this. She has no friends and has cut off all family.

Basically, anyone that doesn't agree with her.

Interesting... my mum has cut off all her family too and hardly has any friends. This is one reason why I didn't want to cut HER off! I've spent a lot of time trying to be as unlike her as possible! Therapy is definitely worth the cost. I found an experienced one who agreed to put the price down.

scabby me too! I am the polar opposite of my mother, possibly manic about it.

Even the neighbours she has perceived grudges against.

15 years on from my NC and very happy about it.

Hey OP @Oooarrnamechange

I went NC with my father a long time ago - nearly 20 years

He was abusive to me verbally/psychologically growing up and also my mother and was violent towards a sibling.

I had no bond with him, he drank and had erratic mood swings

They divorced when I was in my early teens but before that my childhood belonged in Stately Homes.

Easily the most difficult part for me is the disapproval I encountered from his side of the family, his nephew in particular. When he approached a milestone birthday, my sister sent me a disapproving email basically saying I needed to grow up. I responded with an email about the realities of my experience of him as a father and she has never mentioned it again except once as a sort of sad "will you ever?" But then had to laugh and acknowledge that my reply "what would I gain from that?" Was entirely accurate

That my other siblings still have contact with him I find mystifying, as he was as shitty a father to them in different ways, but I made the choice that was right for me

My cousin I find particularly galling as he is now NC with my father after giving me years of aggro for it and has behaved like this is some kind of revelation brought on by a third party when it's what've said for close to 20 years, and was patronised for. He has not apologised.

Your mum sounds like mine. Almost 2 years NC here, best thing I ever did. I just stopped responding. Took 6-12 months for her to stop hassling me but she's gone quiet now. My life is better and my self esteem much improved. Wish I'd done it years ago tbh.

Interesting... my mum has cut off all her family too and hardly has any friends.
Same here for my mum.

Based on my experience I think nc is overused and can end badly as often as it can end well. It should only be as a very very last resort if LC has failed terribly.

It’s becsuse there is a mental heaviness to nc - esp if you’ve declared the nc - that cannot be undone. It can also make people vindictive and find ways to draw you out of nc to regain power, which is what happened to me.

I think it has its place for some people but worth proceeding with caution

Oh, I agree, absolutely a last resort, but when you know, you know.

True - I’m not saying never do it just as a last resort. I’m LC now and find I’m thinking about them less than I did when doing strict nc

I think trying LC before NC is good, because a bit like a marriage that is failing, it's important to know that you tried EVERYTHING before wheeling out the big guns. LC didn't work for me, and the difference between the two is like night and day. For me there wasn't much point in having my self esteem repeatedly chipped away at, even if I got to set the in-person frequency, and that still didn't stop texts and emails etc. Now I am free and I literally feel like I have been let out of prison, it's amazing. But such a sad choice to have to make and took a deal of therapy to work up to.

Rhubarb I totally agree.

In my case, I could barely talk to siblings as I was the cause of gossip and a 'black sheep' I now have LC with siblings, who chose to pick my parents over me and jump at any chance of putting me down.

One is 45 and still lives at home, so obviously he will! The other needs childcare and hopes she will inherit.

I really don't care. Hope they end up in a care home!

LC is a long, drawn out thing, I agree NC is better for mental health!