Verbal abuse

[Twinklestar1981]

I would be really grateful of some advice as I am at my wits end now.
My DH and I have two young children one at school and one starting in September. DH has always been verbally abusive and bad tempered. I have been called every name under the sun. Last week he called me a fucking bitch in front of my dc. He won't seek help and always blames me, he reacts to me etc ect. I feel he massively over reacts and will shout and scream over small things. The other things he has done is that he will try and embarrass me in public by calling me mental or he will get angry as he knows I am really bothered by this. He has also started to be super nice, cuddling me and groping me if I am going out to meet a friend in the evening ( I don't go out that often) and this is because he wants sex upon my return) but soon gets back to his normal self the following day.
My problem is how do I leave if I am a sahm? I have been looking for some part time or weekend work but he won't let me work at weekend due to him taking extra work. The house is in both our names, he will never leave even though I am constantly pointing out how damaging it is for the children. He is constantly saying I need my head testing and I am mental, he says I cause all the rows but I am certain I don't. What can i do?

He sounds like a controlling bully!
Take some legal advice and plan to get rid of the man. He's not good for you or your children.

Get all your ducks in a row first, work out the finances. You can do it!

Its not you, its your H who is basically projecting his own rubbish and abusive behaviours onto you. Such abusive men as well rarely if ever leave of their own accord, they like having the power and control over their target too much and it would take work to find another woman.

I would contact both Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 and Rights of Women organisations; both can help you here too. He is being financially abusive towards you also by denying your right to work at weekends. Seek legal advice asap too from a local firm of Solicitors and commence divorce proceedings.

It is also doing your children no favours at all to be growing up in such a toxic atmosphere and you know this. He will in all likelihood make divorcing him as long and protracted a process as possible as punishment against you for having the utter gall in his eyes to leave him. He will also be difficult and obstructive post separation as well.
You may also want to enrol onto the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid and do this in person.

Thank you both for the responses. When I said we should live seperately ( we have seperate bedrooms) he told me I should be prepared for a war, meaning he would fight me for the children. His family are wealthy so he could get a good solicitor which scares me..I think this situation has made me depressed but I am scared to speak to the doctor in case this gets used against me.

@Twinklestar, I was in this situation years ago and it was partly thanks to people on Mumsnet who finally made me realise I had to leave (I've name changed since then). I have noticed that @AttillaTheMeerkat always gives fantastic advice and support and others do too. Stay and keep posting on Mumsnet to help you through this journey, it will be really helpful. I look back now and realise that no matter how difficult my ex can make life (awkward and verbally abusive at times...several years post-op it), I don't for one second have any regret. My children express sadness occasionally at the fact that their parents live in seperate homes but I can see that they are in a far, far happier and healthier environment than they were when we lived together. Like you, i was called every name under the sun and then frequently ignored for days, weeks at a time when he was cross with me. He can still get to me but I can close the door and it is just me and my kids in our happy home now...it's so much better for all of us. Be strong, it will be tough but as you speak to solicitors, women's aid etc you will start to feel stronger and see that being free of this horrible bully is possible.

Record everything he says when he gets abusive. I would also suggest a Non Molestation Order on him in addition to other relevant authorities you seek help from.
Such a vile excuse of a man. So sad your kids have to witness this insane behaviour of his. He's either bluffing or naive to think the kids are safe with an abusive man like him.
Seek all the necessary help from relevant authorities, and with all your evidence, you'd be the one laughing in the end.

You can go in to Citizens Advice to find out what your rights are.
My ex was threatening to change the locks, throw me out on the street and once I knew what he could and couldn't do, it made me better prepared to deal with it all.

If you have no income yourself, you can apply for benefits and assistance. I was married but my ex husband left me with £40 to my name and emptied the bank accounts and was threatening to stop paying all the mortgage and bills.

I went to Citizens Advice and was able to qualify on my own for Legal Aid despite his income of over £55k. The Legal Aid solicitor registered my name on the title so my ex couldn't sell it, rent it or remortgage it.

If you go to the DWP they have special programs for victims of Domestic Violence and provided counseling to me for career advice and because of health issues, put me in a program to set up my own business that I could work from home. I was provided a mentor, help with business plans and they even purchased items such as printers and supplies to help set me up and I was quickly able to be self supporting with way more than benefits would provide. If that is something you would be interested in it is called New Enterprise Allowance and provided an income while I built up my business.

Ask about the back to work programs as there is so much available such as training, CV help and help preparing for interviews.

Until you start asking for help and advice you won't know what is out there for you and while this time can be the most overwhelming, there is a life without abuse out there waiting for you.

Abuse like you describe here thrives on secrecy; please start opening up to other organisations like I've suggested. Social Services are not going to take your children away from you because you are depressed at his hands nor should you be scared to speak to your doctor.

He is really no different from any other abusive individual, he does not have special powers. Abusive men like this always utter such BS pronouncements; its done to keep their target in this case you in line and existing under his absolute power and control. He cares not a jot for his children, all he cares about is punishing you and getting his own needs met in the process. He is using he having potential custody of these children to further beat you about the head with, its your achilles heel and he knows how to hurt you. Pay no heed to the man, forge your own path out of abuse here. Remember too that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE.

Do not simply continue to live separately in your home; get him out of your day to day life altogether and divorce him before he really does destroy you and your children from the inside out.

datingdisaster41 - thank you for your kind words . Glad to read you escaped your abuser.

OP - you really do deserve a life free of abuse. He is not your jailer here.

Thank you all so much for your advice. I appreciate your help so much. All the responses have been very informative. I will be giving womens aid a call.