I feel like I'm addicted to horrible ex

[ThatMilksOff]

Is this normal? It certainly doesn't seem healthy.
He said the worst things anyone has ever said to me, and probably ever will.
Threats of violence, then actual violence (framed as self defence of course) intimidation, constant shaming of past 'indiscretions'. Horrible verbal dumps where the aim was to make me feel like the lowest human.

Yet, I cannot stop thinking about him. And missing what we had. I'm lonely and tired and I just find myself thinking, why did he have to behave like that? Why did he have to ruin it? It could have been so lovely.

How the hell do you stop obsessing??

Find something else to fill your time, take a look at the freedom programme online. Pick up a hobby.
It'll be really tough, it took me a couple of years to break the cycle with my horrible ex, but I did it. Know that you're doing the right thing for you in staying apart.

It really is one of the hardest things I've ever done.
It's freaking me out that in the face of all the evidence that he seriously needs help and how awful he is, I still adore him.
Never felt so confused

Being with an abusive partner is an addiction. That's why sadly so many women die at the hands of a partner. I can't remember all the specifics offhand, but certain aspects of the relationship trigger parts of your brain that make it like a heroin addiction. Look up "trauma bonding" that will help you understand a lot. The only way to get over it is to go cold turkey. Never have any contact with him. Get rid of any photos, mementos etc. Block on all social media etc.

Hiphop is right. Fill your time with other things, even if you have to force yourself. If any good memories of him come into your mind push them out and remember who he really was. Appreciate all the good things about not being with him. It's tough and it takes a while but you can come out of it much stronger and happier.

It's because he rattled you emotionally so much, and we equate very powerful emotions with worthwhile ones.

To get rid of them, I truly recommend daydreaming. Start fanmtasising about the kind of like you want in the future. Sytart with anything from your health and fitness level to your home, outside interests, skill-development, income level etc. Really focus hard on picturing all areas of life (apart from romance) to see how you can get them into shape the way you want them. Once you've done that, you;ll be strionger and can start to think about what sort of man you really want, who would be proud of your progress. If you find yourself looking back longingly, just be aware that you liked that one aspect of the relationship but would prefer, next time to have that quality in a man who is also kind, positive, etc.

Sorry - my typing is so clumsy! Start fantasising about the kind of life you want, I meant to say. (And sorry for all the other typos too.)

Oh OP, it is so hard. But really, you're worth so much more than what you're allowing to be worth by staying in your ex's orbit.
Fill your time up, keep busy try to minimise the space you give your ex in your head. It's hard but it gets easier and hopefully in time you'll be able to look back and realise that life doesn't have to be dramatic, or explosive. That relationships can be straightforward.

But first you need to see that you're worth more, you need to understand what it is that attracts you to the drama. Please do look up the freedom programme.

@Asta19, you've opened my eyes - trama bonding - I have it!!! I have it so bad!!!! Thanks for bringing this up - what a revelation.

That's the thing, I really don't feel like I'm attracted to drama. I hate it, I genuinely just want peace.
I had a 14 year relationship break down a few years ago, DC involved.
But this time has completely flawed me.
Never had such intense feelings.

Hi there, I have exactly the same thing. The relationship was awful yet brilliant, I had such extreme emotions. I am really struggling 3 months on and and ruminating a lot.

The things that have helped me a bit have been seeing friends, going to fitness classes and doing anything that requires you to think and concentrate. It's very hard though and I have accepted that it will take a long time.

*floored!

Treat it like recovery from an addiction. One day at a time. Progress not perfection (I mean don't beat yourself up about your feelings or if you slip up and contact him). I also had one like this and I'm ashamed of how long it took me to stop thinking about him. If someone walked up to me in the street and said the things my ex said to me I'd think they were crazy and wouldn't give much thought in staying the fuck away from them but because my ex was so charming and reeled me in and "loved" me in such an intense way I'd never had before it always seemed to be those memories I was dealing with as a pose to the horrid verbal abuse. It's also helpful to make a list of all the things he's said and done as in Rome it starts to fade and you don't remember it so much. You can do this! It will be so worthwhile.

In time not in Rome

I think part of it, at least for me, is that the relationship was so intense that you lose a part of yourself, either by changing the way you behave or giving up things to make them happier. I spent all my spare time with my ex and he was very needy and subtly demanding regarding my attention than once we split up there was this massive hole in my time.

Also I realised that I was constantly thinking and worrying about the relationship when we were together, and of course that is going to continue. I am having to undo 9 months of intense thinking. You can't change how your brain works overnight.

I spent all my spare time with my ex and he was very needy and subtly demanding regarding my attention than once we split up there was this massive hole in my time

I went through this too. I didn't know what to do with myself! Over time I got into all my old hobbies again that I could never do when I was with him. There was definitely a transition period though.