Partner left a month ago AIBU

[Dani35]

My partner left me and my 5 year old daughter nearly a month ago. He is getting help from his gp as it looks like he's showing all the signs of depression.

He has pushed me away and refuses to communicate with me, but he can talk to people on social media, can go out with his friends whilst I'm in the family home pretending everything is ok for our daughter.

Has anyone experienced similar where their partner has said they need to deal with things themselves and with the gp and they push them away and say awful things and focus on all the negatives of your relationship? I almost feel like he's blaming me and its making me paranoid. Before I understood he was depressed I even accused him of seeing someone else because he wouldn't talk to me about anything and shut himself off. He's now said I've put things back to square one with my accusations.

Any help or advice would be fab. I feel so lost and so confused as to what's taken him away from me and our family. I also feel so lonely. It's killing me inside.

Where's he gone?

He's currently staying with his mum and dad

Don’t be surprised if there’s an ow was the same with my ex and I had ds he didn’t want the mundane family life but to go out with friends socialising

I know I sound naive but I don't think there's an ow as he's openly said he's having problems with his emotions and seeing the gp to his friends.
When I mentioned the ow to him he said I didn't understand how fragile he was and what a bad place he was in mentally.

It sounds like he is having a midlife crisis. One of symptoms is being an unreasonable and selfish git.

Tell him that you need to discuss custody arrangements - 50/50. He has a child, he is a parent. It is not a responsibility he can abdicate.

💐 sorry he is acting like a shit.

@Dani35
Firstly it’s food to see that he’s getting help off his GP, that’s probably this first point of call.

Yes, I’m going through similar with my DP, and he’s gone too. He says he’s grieving, depressed, but he won’t get help, says he doesn’t need it. But he is going out with friends, active on social media and in lots of groups. I’ve sat here driving myself mad, like why can he do that? But I suppose he’s just taking himself away from reality. Lads in a pub don’t discuss feelings, more football scores, and that’s obviously what DP wants. I’ve blamed myself, but don’t do it!

I'm really sorry that this is happening to you.
Depression is debilitating and horrible and can completely change a person's character. Unfortunately, I have had the experience of exDP becoming depressed- I helped all I could, put my own life on hold, lived with the constant anxiety of his condition and nothing I did was right. He left to go to his parents' "to get space"- and then, a week later, moved in with OW. I don't know whether he really was depressed, or if he just used it as an excuse for being cruel to me, but I'm afraid I'll never allow myself to take responsibility for another man's happiness ever again.
(The plus side is, if you're anything like me, you'll soon realise what a massive burden this has been on you, and you'll feel the weight of it lifting. I feel so, so much better without him.)

My DP did this. I was pregnant too, he upped & left because he just couldn't handle things. Refused to speak to me etc. We are back together, got back together about 3 months after he left, & for over a year now things have been so much better. He was still doing his usual things, still working, just couldn't talk to me because he felt he'd let us down by struggling.

Obviously can't say whether this is the same for you, but that's my experience. DP is still being treated for severe depression & anxiety but the difference now is we do it together

Currently in a similar position so curious to see the responses. 100% sure there is no else but can't comprehend why I'm shut out and everyone else isn't. It's soul destroying.

Racontuer it could be that you are 'too close' if that makes sense? DP told me it is a lot easier to put a face on to friends because he could then go home & crash. At home he felt he couldn't relax because he had to keep his front going.

It took a lot of talking & a chat with the GP to get to where we are now. It's still not easy, but i no longer look back at when he left & think 'you absolute cunt' - i understand it & actually it's made our relationship stronger

For those that have gone through it.. what do you do when they won t talk to you and don't give you any indication that they still want to be with you?
I send a message every day to say we are here for you and love you but he never asks how I am and it takes a while for him to ask how his little girl is.
I feel like he genuinely doesn't care about us and he won't talk to me but will talk to everyone else. Plus I really effed up by accusing him of having and affair and flying off the handle because I'm so confused and lost with it all.

I did that. Accused him of going back to his ex. Then of using us. Then of being an abandoning prick. I did it all. Told him if he didn't want the baby why the fuck did we try in the first place etc. I think anger/frustration is pretty normal.

I stopped messaging him. Unless i needed to, so post that looked urgent, baby related appointments...i hid him on watsapp & blocked all his other contacts. He slowly came back to me. I got fed up of doing all the running so i told him he could do what he wanted, i wasn't hanging around hoping. Made him realise what he was losing

You are not responsible for his depression. Kicking off at those close is part of it. Decide what you want and put a plan in place. Do you want to wait for him to start to feel better or do you want to be out of it all?

I want him to get better and to come back to us as a family. But I want him to be happy here as well.
Do they realise that they are being awful to the person they are closest to? He's happy to point out all the negatives in our relationship, instead of saying let's work on it will a counsellor say well if you hate it so much and you aren't happy just leave?

It's driving me mad!

Some days I think DP realizes that he is pushing away the person he is closest too. Other days I just think he is being a selfish pr**k.
Don’t beat yourself up about the accusations. I’ve done that to, accusing him of OW, being selfish, saying he doesn’t care. On reflection that’s the natural response that happens when you don’t know what else to do, but probably doesn’t help.
I’ve let him know constantly that we can work on this, I can help him, that I’m here. But I don’t seem to be getting anywhere, just makes me even more frustrated. So I’ve done @pissedoffdotcom suggested and have stopped messaging, unless it’s something really important. It’s hard, but I’m hoping he will come to some sense, realise all the good things and we too can have the happy ending.

@pissedoffdotcom thanks for sharing your story, given some perspective that people get through this.

DP now will say the worst thing he ever did was shut me out. And now i can read his mood & he will be forthcoming about struggling. We make allowances for his down days because he is actively trying to combat it.

Ultimately until your OH lets you in, you're chasing a brick wall. Which is a horrible thought & it reduced me to tears many a time, but it's true. You can't make someone open up but until they do, you can't move forward with them either. It's a choice they have to make

Thank you for your reply @pissedoffdotcom very much appreciated and gives some insight into what's maybe happening. I have given my partner plenty of space but their decline seems to have continued in my absence. It's reassuring to see replies of people in similar circumstances.

Stbexh has left and I believe he is suffering from some kind of depression or burn out. He blames me for everything but has rejected our children too. I spent a month trying to persuade him to get help but because he is happy at work and with the lads tells me he's happy apart from with me.

I know that's not right but I'm not putting my life on hold for him. I need to be strong for my children and so I will be pushing for a quick divorce. I feel deeply sad to get a divorce from a man I was largely happy with but my children are my biggest priority. If he realises he is wrong he will need to jump through hoops to win me back.

Didn’t want to read & run. I went exactly through this with my DH and it turns out there was OW xxx

@StealthNinjaMum
Good move

I couldn't be putting my life on hold like that.

I'd stop messaging him daily, as you've done enough OP.

I don't want to worry you op, but I am another one who had a depressed partner that went onto have an affair. It's obviously not a given, but male depression is a risk factor for infidelity.

On reflection I wish I had handled things differently, as the more he withdrew the tighter I clung - this only made things worse.

Keep strong, look after your own mental health and keep your wits about you.

From my experience they always quite depression or bad time at work or feeling down... but they're just excuses... I go through all that and never left any of my partners. It just disgusts me how people get married & then can just switch off years later, leaving their wives / husbands in misery. My thoughts are with u op.