What would you do?

[EmmaRoth1]

My husband, He has a drinking problem, where by he picks a fight with me and then takes himself out all night on a drinking session.

Every few nights he fancies a drink. Not just one. A few beers and half or a full bottle of wine. He's been on his best behaviour since the new year yet tonight he's reverted back to his old ways!

He picked a fight with me because I didn't meet his demands of sex. I feel if I'd have just had sex with him the whole thing would've been avoided.

Does he honestly think how he's behaved tonight is going to make me just want to have sex with him every time he asks? He didn't actually ask, just said...get your vibrator out!!

This is exactly how we have arrived here. Because of this behaviour, I've put up with it for 12 years, where he disappears out. I never know why, he can't explain it, but it's always my fault.

We have two beautiful children and a lovely life yet I am so trapped at the same time. I can't just leave as He doesn't earn enough money to support himself, he is "employed" by my company as he doesn't earn enough to support himself through his own. If I left, he'd still want the money I make. I wouldn't ever be able to just go. And if I left him with nothing, he'd probably do something really silly.

I can't bare how he aggressively feels so entitled to have Sex with me whenever he demands. and gets so angry if he doesn’t get what he wants.

I am not his object. And the more he demands, belittles, objectifies me the less I desire sex.

Last year what I can remember; I have put up with the following and I will be Dammed if I’m putting up with the same for another year!!

• he was missing once until midday

• Missing another time until 4:30pm

• Missing a third time until 9am

• Missing multiple times until the hours of 6:30 and 8:30am.
  (When I say missing I mean out drinking and actually I didn't have a clue if he was even safe). Mainly weekdays, and he doesn't go to work the next day. It's only a matter of time before my lovely children realise what he's doing.

• One time he drove a stranger (drunk) to our estate and dropped said stranger on the street to stumble and hopefully find a way home.

• Did an all night bender ruining X birthday for me.

• Did an all night bender culminating in knocking on another woman's door...twice!!

• Setting up another FB Page, messaging another woman and then denying it even happened, even tho I proved it to be true.

• Ruined Valentine’s Day - alcohol

• Ruined our weekend to a haven site - alcohol

• Drink and drive

• Kept the kids out of bed late on a school night on more than one occasion because it was more important to have a drink with Mates. - argument caused by alcohol
  *ruined a party at my mums-alcohol

• my Nanas 80th Birthday- went AWOL on a bender...ruined by alcohol

• Mums 60th birthday - I went on a spa, on the night before, he went on a bender- ruined by alcohol.

• In was working away. -he went on a bender and rang me at 3am being abusive. Ruined by Alcohol.

• Went to London with a friend : he went on a bender, being abusive and my weekend was ruined yet again by his drinking..

• another weekend working away: tarnished and tense because of his drinking the few nights prior when he went awol after watching the football at Friends.

• he was Drunk when I met him at the caravan, trying to get me to have sex with him, ramming his hands down my pants in front of his friend, then getting mad at me the next day in front of the children, not making me breakfast, being really nasty and mean! Because I didn’t have sex with him.

*constantly getting mad at me if I don’t have sex on demand. I am not an object and the more he treats me like that, the more I don’t want to have sex. Yet he will never tell me that me not wanting sex is the reason he's mad. And if I don't meet his demands it must mean, I'm having an affair, I don't love him etc...

• On holiday he drank on his own until 1am. Spending €172 on booze. Out of that I had two glasses of wine.

This, is only the few things which have sprung to mind without me thinking too much about it. The stories I could share over 12 years are more extreme.

Please help. What would you do?!

Well, i'd chuck him out.

You already know what you should do, you came here for reassurance it’s the right thing. I’ve read a lot of threads and I can assure you no one hear will talk you out of leaving him. You need to do it, the question now is what help do you need? Can you turn to parents or siblings?

You have grounds for divorce . Your children need to be taken out of this toxic and seriously abusive situation. Get some good legal advice asap

He might still want the money, but what on earth makes you think that you should give it to him?!

He has destroyed your marriage, the consequences of that...his lack of money, are his to deal with. Just fucking chuck him out and "sack" him.

How long have you been with him?
Run for the hills!

He's a problem drinker who sexually assaults you. And drives drunk.

What advice do you think you'll get? Obviously don't be with him. If he can't cope or kills himself, that is desperately sad. But it's not a reason to stay and be assaulted.

Christ. I’ve read some things on here but this is one of the saddest. You are obviously a kind and competent woman. Why are you putting up with this? You don’t have a lovely life if you’re putting up with someone ramming his hands down your pants. Just because you employ him, doesn’t mean you have to put up with this. You deserve so much better. Have you had counselling? For you. Not him. Counselling to help you develop the strength to leave him. I’d also recommend the freedom program. You really should tell him to leave. Imagine the rest of your life never having to deal with unwanted sexual advances. Wouldn’t that be brilliant and peaceful? Set your mind to wanting that and getting it.

LTB

OP...so sorry x

WTF???? Just get rid of this abusive alcoholic. Bloody kids involved too!!! Who cares if he can't support himself. Get angry.

It's time you stood your ground and left OP. Bless you for putting up with this selfish person and by the sounds of your post, unremorseful git.
You and your children deserve a stress free life without him. You sound a really nice person and I applaud your patience but do you not think it's time to put a stop to all his disprespectful act?
Do not worry what will happen to him in the aftermath of separation, he's a grown man and can sort his shit out.
From your post, you're at the end of your tether and you now see things in different perspective. Act on them and regain your happiness as well as your children's.

You need to get the kids and yourself away from this ASAP. Get legal advice I think is your best course of action.

You are telling yourself stories to make you stay. He has no money? Well, he could stop pissing what he has away on drink. If he weren't an alcoholic maybe he could earn more money. So this is no reason to keep him.

He'd do something silly? If you won't be abused and won't pay for his drink he'll kill himself or kill you or kill the children or what, what is the "silly"? Maybe he will get help, maybe he won't, maybe he'll find some other mug to pay for his drink amd wash his pants.

You make almost no reference to the children. That is so sad. They live with a nasty alcoholic and a mother who wants to keep her martyr role or is so codependent she really believes she has to stay.

Wake up. You are not stuck.

You don't have a "lovely life", you have a shit life.

End the marriage.

Hell, it'd even be worth paying his way for a while to be free of him.

He is a drunken abusive sex pest. Your life would be so much better without him.

Thank you. I don't know what my first steps will be. It's 9:15am, he's not home yet. Hes meant to be at work in 45 minutes. I know what I've got to do. I've got to find the strength now to see it through!

He won't leave the home, he has no where to go.

I'll speak to my mum!

He won't leave the home, he has no where to go.

Well thats your first step then. Solicitor for an occupation order.

Speak with your Mum then speak with a solicitor.
You can be so much happier and your children will have a much safer future once you've divorced him.

This is not happiness, get advice, get out and find the peace you and your children deserve

Get an occupation order and start divorce proceedings.

Where he goes is not your problem. And why are his problems too seemingly more important?. I think you are codependent and usually codependency is a feature in such unhealthy and dysfunctional relationships like you describe.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here from you two?. Its no legacy to leave them, it really is not.

I would also seriously consider what you yourself learnt about relationships when you were growing up.

Sack him.
Speak to a solicitor to get him out of the house.
If feeling kind, offer that he goes to counseling and rehab for his alcohol abuse and sexual abuse. Then discuss the state of your marriage.
Either way, let him know, this is it!
Good luck

He won't leave the home, he has no where to go.

He will have to, and he will have to find somewhere to go.

Do not enable this man any more than you have done already at great cost to you. This marriage is well and truly over in any event.

Would you want your kids as adults to have a relationship like this, no you would not. Its not good enough for you either.

He won't leave the home, he has no where to go
Well he has somewhere to go when he's out all night and morning.
Let him go there.
Stop enabling this shitty behaviour.
Just kick his ass out!

Holy fuck. Get rid!

He's not your responsibility. He is an adult and he needs to find somewhere else to live and some other way of earning a living. Don't allow this toxic alcoholic to ruin another day of your life. Don't expose your children to him either. He either goes into recovery or he goes away for good.