Hello,
I hope this thread reaches someone that's able to help with advice or an opinion on my current situation. (sorry its long winded!) I'm a young woman, in my early-mid twenties. I'm at a relatively stable point in my life - I'm newly married and one year from qualifying as a doctor. This is the first chance I've been able to openly address my past (with myself!).
At the age of 14, my home life was very turbulent. Like many I was a child of divorce, my mum had remarried and the marriage was failing and my sister's dad had also remarried to an abusive woman (this is a whole other thread in itself!). My younger sister had tried to commit suicide and run away from home, this was paired with my mothers mental break down and complete lack of capacity to empathise with the huge changes going on around us. By this time I had been to 6 schools, while my sister 7 due to family breakdowns and moves. We had always had an upheaval in our lives and struggled to really call any place a 'home'.
At 14, I tried to stay out of the house as much as possible. Home could be toxic and violent and although I'm not a naturally sociable person, I found myself making friends with people around me to escape to other peoples houses, for the weekend for sleepovers. I knew of a girl a few years older than me (I'll call her H). I met H and her friends at the park regularly, we'd mostly walk around aimlessly, sometimes getting food or walking to the local country park. On one of these occasions I met a 17 year old boy (I'll call him R), he was friendly with all of H's friends. The first time we met, he asked me for a hug, I obliged as I thought it was innocent.
Over the next couple of weeks, R would turn up at the park and occasionally at my house. Eventually we started texting and he asked me out. I was flattered and it was exciting to have an older boyfriend, he seemed mature, funny and understanding. My family, especially my mum accepted him. R would do things around the house for my mum, which she appreciated. Just before R was 18, his mum went away for the weekend. R planned to have a party, many of his friends were already 18. I arrived with my best friend (I'll call her M). Upon arrival R gave both myself and M alcoholic drinks, I knew it was something I probably shouldn't have been doing, but I liked the attention and I thought R would look after me. By this point we had been together for 6 months and he had already told me that he loved me. Most of the night was filled with drinking, when it came to the early hours of the morning when most of R's friends had left he took me upstairs. He took me into the spare room and I lay on the bed with my head spinning. He started to undress me, despite me telling him no he continued. He told me he would be gentle and that it wouldn't hurt. I felt frozen in the moment, it certainly did hurt and I didn't enjoy it. When it was over I cried a little and fell asleep. The next morning R left with a friend and ignored me. I went ahead with my day with M, I had planned to go home and didn't tell my mum I would be staying over anywhere else, but she wasn't concerned with where I had been. Although I didn't consent and had told R no, he had been talking about what he wanted to do for a few weeks and he told me that I should let him, as I was his girlfriend.
After this, R continued to have sex with me against my wishes. Twice I had to go into a walk in centre for the morning after pill. The absolute shame and disgust I felt for myself I will never forget - but although I was only 14 nobody battered an eyelid. No body asked me the age of the person I was having sex with or if I was consenting. Although I thought I loved R, things moved very quickly and I often felt uncomfortable.
By now R had won over my family, he was allowed to stay at our house (at his request). We started to have sex 1/2 times a day, he would bring Ann-Summers magazines back after work. One of his older friends was an Ann-summers rep and he would frequently order items. Most of these items I had never heard of, most of them hurt and I frequently told him that I didn't like the things that he did. He was now 18 and no longer in full time education and so had a disposable income, while I was 15. This was to continue for 2 years until just after my 16th birthday.
I think the combination of the need for affection and need for stability allowed me to think that this was ok. For two years R was the only stable thing in my life, despite the complications it brought. I felt loved and wanted. He spend his wages on getting me beautiful roses, that were from the florist or cute teddy bears. R was never violent, not in the same way my parents were, but he was very psychologically abusive. He use to make comments about not loving me if I were to gain weight (I was a size 8), he would regularly check my phone and get his friends to pick me up from school (so I didn't speak to people on the bus). If I managed to go out with friends he would happen to turn up, even to invite only birthday parties/events.
Just after my 16th birthday, one of my mum's friends arranged an exchange with a Spanish girl, I was to spend time in Spain with her and she was to spend time with me in England. R would call me every day in Spain, he was frustrated not to be controlling my every move and on my return this caused a big argument. His sexual demands became greater and he wanted to do things to my body that scared and worried me, I finally said no. This caused an argument and in one text he ended the relationship. I think that made me suddenly realise that he didn't move me afterall, as I have no understanding how you could do that to someone you loved. After that, I rid my life of all the things he had brought for me, I relished in the fact that I got to throw away all of this dirty sex toys. Although, the break up was hard and threw me into a depression. I felt undeserving of love, at the time I thought I was undeserving of him, despite the fact that he hurt me and abused me. In the time we had been together my family had fallen further apart and he was the only stable thing in my life. I felt lost for a long time, it took years to come to terms with what he had really done. I do question whether he really ever loved me. Despite me feeling like he loved me, when I look back all he was ever really interested in was sex. I doubt he could have answered any simple questions about me, other than my appearance and home situation, he didn't know me or appreciate me - simply use.
Despite being with my DH for 7 years, issues from that time still affect me now. I struggle to explain this to DH, I have such a sense of shame, I blocked out the memories for so many years.
I would really appreciate some advice going forward - I have been using the website www.fpa.org.uk/factsheets/law-on-sex
From what I can tell what happened to me was rape/sexual assault with penetration. I'm unsure of what to do - this has haunted me for years.
Any advice or opinions are greatly welcomed.
Thankyou for taking the time to read