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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should i wait it out?

7 replies

peachdreams · 28/01/2019 19:55

Sorry it’s lengthy!
I’ve been with DP for around a year now, starting not too long ( a couple of months) after he split with his ex DP of almost 9 years.

He’s always been vocal of her being a big part of his life, and says he still has love for her. I have no issue with this, i can understand that she was a big part of his life and they ended mutually as they decided they would be better off as friends and had no romantic feelings.
I’ve recently moved in with him (rented) and up until then she would visit him occasionally and they would have a meal or just chat. I trust that nothing has happened between them, and it did bother me but i figured they were keeping in touch.
Now, it’s just been her birthday. The problem now is that he was upset as he wanted to take her for a meal out but didn’t really have the money, and as I’ve moved my stuff in he’s recently found lots of her things. He’s told her he can’t get rid of them because it makes him too upset and even made him cry.

I dont know what to do. I know he’s not over her, he’s still very much attached and i felt left in the background.
I’d end things however i know he’s not attracted to her in the same way he was or i guess he wouldn’t have ended things with her, so i don’t see them getting back together, it just upsets me. Should i wait it out and hope it passes?

OP posts:

helpmeoutout · 28/01/2019 20:02

Nope. Dump him, you could be waiting forever. He clearly isn't over her. It's not always about the physical attraction, he clearly loves her regardless of him saying he isnt attracted to her. It sounds harsh but you need to have some respect for yourself and draw the line. He is going through some things but I'm afraid this isn't an issue you should be drawn in to, there is only room for 2 in a relationship. He shouldnt be going for meals with his ex, and you're okay with that. It's disrespectful to me.

pictish · 28/01/2019 20:06

No. Absolutely not. He’s not ready or willing to move on. Why on earth would you hang around indefinitely playing second fiddle to another woman?

Cut your losses on this one.
Sorry x

choccybiscuit · 28/01/2019 20:28

Sounds like you'll be second best to me. I'd move on pretty sharpish

ErickBroch · 28/01/2019 20:32

This sounds awful! I am so sorry but you really need to leave him.

Shadow1234 · 28/01/2019 21:12

Agree with all the above - no point waiting it out. If he is still like this after being with you for a year, then he clearly isnt over her.

category12 · 28/01/2019 21:21

God no.

You deserve to be with someone whose priority is you.

Why is your relationship bar so low, you'd accept being second-best?

whatamidoingwithmylife · 28/01/2019 21:34

No, you should leave. It will wear away at you and grind you down, making you suspicious and feel second best.

At least he's being honest about it though. I suspected my ex of similar and he always denied it. Then I found out he'd been texting her telling her he'd always love her and he would never be able to move on (this was over 5yrs after they broke up). I felt like he was only with me because he couldn't have her back and it tore me apart seeing what he wrote to her.

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