He doesn’t really want to marry me does he?

[Bellelou]

Long time lurker, first time poster, please be gentle!
I’ve been with my partner for 4 years, both in our 50’s, both previous marriages. We’re really happy together, we don’t currently live together, for work,practical reasons but have plans for him to move over to mine later this year.
I am fairly traditional and believe in marriage, even though my marraige failed after I was cheated on. He is less so, but we’ve often discussed marraige , in a sometime in the future way.
Although traditional I don’t necessarily believe it’s only the man who should propose, I have proposed to him twice now, once was after we’d only been together a couple of years and was a very drunken proposal (both of us drunk!) and although he accepted, we never discussed it again and I didn’t pursue it as in my heart I knew it wasn’t the right time. Fast forward another couple of years and I decided to propose to him again on our ‘anniversary’ of meeting. I devised a treasure hunt for him culminating in the proposal, I wasn’t with him

Since you don't have children together and since neither of you are financially dependent on the other (the two main practical reasons for marriage) I can understand his reluctance. Marriage is a serious legal contract which complicates things should you later split up.

What was his response to the treasure hunt proposal?

He said yes! And was lovely about it and thought it was romantic?
Scott we don’t intend to split up? Does anyone who plans on marrying? I believe in the institution of marraige, I realise that’s probably not a popular thought in the ‘ modern world’ but I believe in it and want the commitment it signifies

I don't get your thread your title suggests that you think he doesn't want to marry you, but he said yes? Am I missing something?

The whole post didn’t show for some reason. Probably my rubbish internet! He said yes and the plan was to get married in a surprise wedding with our close friends and family thinking they were there for a birthday party. Neither of us want a fuss. He was up for this as much as me, but every time I mention venues, he doesn’t seem interested. I booked for us to look at a couple of venues as they get booked up quickly and we don’t want a long engagement and it has to fit in with the birthday party idea. But he hasn’t responded to the text I sent him with the details although I know he’s seen it. Should I cancel the viewings and wait for him to suggest something? I am just really confused

No keep the viewings, he might just be hoping you'll do the organising. What's he like with organising holidays and nights out etc? Does he plan things or is it up to you?

He’s ok about organising things, we tend to share the organising of holidays, nights out etc.
We’d agreed neither of us wanted the fuss and paraphernalia that goes with weddings, so no flowers, photographers, bridesmaids, fancy wddding clothes etc. So really the venue is the only decision we have to make!
I just get a feeling really that he has changed his mind? I can’t explain it just a gut reaction really. But I don’t want to keep asking him if he meant it, it just smacks of being naggy which isn’t my style!
He needs to respond to the text so I know what timings to give the venues, and that was obvious in the text , I won’t see him until that day so I can’t ask him face to face.

He doesn't sound keen. There's not much point pushing it if he's dragging his feet.

Speak to him.

It's a serious decision for somebody to make, particularly somebody in their 50s who has been through a divorce. I wouldn't / don't want to marry but I think I would become unstuck with saying so in the face of big romantic gestures. Treasure hunts and surprise parties say this means a lot and you have been planning and thinking about it for a while.

I think you need to back off the romance and have a serious conversation about this. There are a lot of financial complications for a 50 yo, especially if you have other dependents. Most 50 yo have lots of assets but little working life left. You can't afford to make mistakes.

I agree with Scott72

Can totally see why he doesn’t want to but, he’s being pretty spineless in not telling you.

All his actions indicate, he’s not wanting to

As man in 50s no way would I marry again had the kids , not looking for soul mate just don't see the point of being owned by one woman.

There are financial reasons such as a better deal for inheritance tax and pensions but that’s assuming you have assets.Do you both have dc?

I just get a feeling really that he has changed his mind? I can’t explain it just a gut reaction really. But I don’t want to keep asking him if he meant it, it just smacks of being naggy which isn’t my style!

You only really have two options here. You push ahead and arrange things, give him opportunities to be involved but don't force it, and it sounds like he'll go through with it - or you talk to him, but accept that if you ask him if he actually wants to marry you or if he's just going along with it, you might get a different answer to the one that you want.

It sounds like you might have a communication issue around marriage - you've discussed it generally with vague comments about the future, but no real conversation about the two of you getting married. He has never proposed and you have proposed twice, once that was just brushed under the carpet and one that he accepted but you weren't there in-person for. I'd have to have the chat, but if getting married is what you want and you really love this guy, you have to be mindful that you may ruin it if you pick at it and it comes out that he is marrying you to make you happy.

I think you just need to have an honest discussion about whether marriage is right for you both. It does sound as if he may be unsure but you wont know til you ask. It is scary to think about marriage when you have been divorced.