PILs

[MutantDisco]

I've posted on here lots about DH's parents under various names.

They are 'old fashioned', in their 70s but more like 85+ due to health issues and politics

We have been fairly LC for about the past 4 years and haven't stayed with them, nor them with us. We do the odd day out a couple of times per year, and see them on MIL's Birthday (she likes having a fuss made of her, reading out her cards to everyone, you get the picture).

2 years ago DH had a nervous breakdown due in part to a temporary health problem, and had to stay with them as unfortunately there was lots of building work going on at home and he couldn't cope. MIL used him as narcissistic supply and hugged him for hours on end, refused to accept he was mentally ill, and tried to convince him not to return home. It was a mess, I got him counselling and lots of help and he got better, no thanks to MIL.

DH wants a relationship with them, I want him to have one, but they're quite toxic. I'm on constant lookout for 'kick off potential' in situations. They want us to stay in a cottage with them at Easter but DC are small and energetic and get up at 5am, which they cannot cope with. DH was going to suggest a night in a hotel instead but MIL has a hugely idealised version of happy families that doesn't exist due to their inflexibility.

How do people with chronically inflexible close relatives deal with them? How should I address this? How do I convince DH to care less about what MIL thinks?

You could always bypass the worry about the relationship and resolve the weekend first. Try laying it on thick about how lovely it will be to have them to help getting up at 5am and babysitting so that you can have time to yourselves...that should put her off
Try to get it in writing. I have encountered that issue in my own pil, but not the wider problem, so I'm not sure. I hate to say it if he's still feeling vulnerable, but straight talking has surely got to come from your dp rather than you as they'll have you down as difficult and controlling?

Thanks Sarah.

I think we're going to suggest a radically different plan and offer to pay for it as an 'anniversary present. We can then be a bit more in control of e.g. coming and going as we please (which MIL despises).

Why does your husband want a relationship with them now? What's changed from the low contact of the last four years? Have they had a personality change??

What is your husband thinking? It is problematic if you aren't on the same page.

It's still low-ish contact, but his parents feel hard done by and he wants to keep things cordial. Which means LC with the odd visit.

They want us to stay in a cottage with them at Easter but DC are small and energetic and get up at 5am, which they cannot cope with

go, send the children in to them each morning, and encourage close contact all weekend.

She's unlikely to ask again.