Hello all - I'm looking for advice from the MN sages on supporting my DH going NC with his family.
He is the youngest of three brothers, with him having a good relationship with the eldest brother, but a dreadful relationship with the middle brother. His mother and father separated a few years ago, but still haven't figured out how to live their lives separately (or like adults). She lives in the family house and is refusing to sell and split it with the father. The three sons have been used by both parents as conduits, mediators, legal advisers, sources of income and referees in this period, and frankly it is a COMPLETE mess.
I posted a more detailed back story to his crazy crazy mental family just a few months ago after it threatened to spill right over into my home....
The Original Story
WARNING: That's a very long OP so I'm going to try to keep this one short(er).
The good news is that since my AIBU post, DH has been very good at standing up to them all. I'm so proud of him BUT as a consequence MIL and middle BIL have scapegoated him. Every time their shit comes his way and DH pushes back saying "its not my problem to fix", they turn on him and tell everyone (and themselves) that DH is the cause of all the upset because he won't play along. DH has also been sympathetic to FIL recently because he has been diagnosed and had surgery for cancer.... imo, FIL has been enjoying this renewed relationship and is using it to be melodramatic about his prognosis. I'm extra wary as my MIL left him due to his controlling manipulative behaviour.....
Things had been relatively calm recently, but then MIL tried to loop DH back in to their crazy shit by demanding DH collect all his belongings from the family home at short notice. DH said he would do this, but he was not able to take time off work to go there until the following week. When DH asked FIL if he'd like to keep any of it for himself, FIL said yes, but played the victim and was not straight and honest with DH about the reasons MIL wanted the stuff gone. Basically, both parents are manipulating the situation for their own reasons and DH is being dragged in again. It ended, predictably, with DH being blamed for all the problems and the subsequent fights that broke out yesterday between MIL, FIL and middle BIL (middle BIL is MIL's codependent and is staying with them both as a mediator for the next fortnight). Even the eldest BIL got dragged in and asked DH why he was refusing to collect his things. When DH and eldest BIL spoke, DH explained what had really happened, how he was collecting his things, but couldn't go at short notice. Eldest BIL said that he had not been given this information, that he was sorry for jumping to conclusions, and that DH had done nothing wrong. He agreed MIL, FIL and middle BIL were all being misleading on purpose.
So, not to rant on for too long... DH has decided he wants NC with anyone other than eldest BIL. He's upset with his Dad for taking advantage of his sympathy and not being truthful, but is still sad that he has cancer and might be dying. I also think NC is the best thing. They bring him nothing but grief and have done for years. When DH told MIL he was going to propose to me, she made her disapproval quite clear in a lovely passive aggressive way. Both MIL and FIL have fallen out with both the older brothers' wives before I'd even met DH. She shows us time and time again how she is incapable of putting her son's needs ahead of her own.
I can't stand any of them anymore. The three of them have behaved so despicably in the last 2 years that people struggle to believe this story is true. I wish it wasn't true. However, I don't want to be encouraging DH to go NC with them for my own reasons (main reasons being less stress and a peaceful life).
What is the best way someone can support a partner who wants to go NC with their family? How can you tell if they're having a blip and want to reach out to them again, but are just going to get hurt again? How can you protect your partner from these crazy unreasonable abusive people?!?!