MIL is mentally ill - how much should i tolerate?

[tortoisefairy]

Ok, So we all have strained moments with our MIL but mine is unbelievable! I'll try to keep this brief but as always a long story! My MIL suffers from depression and anxiety adn isn't really the full ticket. Since ds1 was born she has been demanding access rights to him. My dh was given to his dad for custody when he was 5 so she didnt bring him up. We think this is why she has started going downhill mentally, but im not sure how much more i can tolerate..

When ds1 was 6 mths old she decided to stop talking to us as see didnt see him weekly. She broke down and told us we obstructed her access, as she was upset i told her i would see her weekly as it wasnt always possible at weekends. this was okay for 5 months though she always turned up late and told me what i was doing wrong etc. i grinned and beared it. 5 days before christmas she called me and told me i wasnt going to win and take dh away from her. i suggested she came round to discuss said feelings with me and dh before xmas so we could all have a nice xmas together. when she finally did she told dh that when he wasnt there i shouted at her and ds1 and she should call social services!Having just recovered from post natal depression i lost the plot that she could attack me and lie to dh (who knows she is lying). MIL told me i needed anger management lessons. By end of evening she was acting like everything was okay. since xmas i will not see her on my own as i realise she is mentally ill and cannot predict her verbal behaviour. I am waiting for her to turn physical. I am very scared of her even though dh is always present and supportive with me. we have been advised by other siblings to cut our ties. MIL doesnt speak to anyone else in our family other than us, she has fallen out with everyone around her. We are thinking of saying enough is enough - she is also financially dependent on us - but we have the guilt that then there is no one - what should i do? She has told other siblings that its either her or me? should i make dh confront her on this before she puts so much stress on us that we fall out about it? sorry for long rant - advice is appreciated...

hi mommalove

What does bumping mean? Im new to all this?!

thanks for the support. sometimes you just need someone outside to say its okay - youre not being unfair. I have bent over backwards for her, i am often fighting her corner as i feel what she has been through in her life is really tough, but it is just relentless. She has started asking if she can take ds1 (17 months) out on her own. My husband felt that she should but i strongly feel she is incapable of looking after ds1. she has demonstrated inability to change a nappy adn she swears in front of him alot she says things like 'you little bugger' not really bad - but behaviour Im not comfortable with. Previously she has pushed his buggy out in front of a car when crossing the road, so I have told dh she cant have ds1 on her own and he has agreed. Dh's sister called us yesterday and was appalled at the 'vicous and cruel' way MIL talked about dh and I and access to ds1. After her recent experiences with her own mum she is appealing us to do as she did adn tell her how her behaviour makes us feel adn that we will not tolerate it anymore. That is easier said than done. She will be totally agressive adn accusatory adn i dont feel strong enough to battle her lies about me again. We have recently had her diagnosed with her illnesses and discovered that she has taken 2 overdoses in her life. She has never used this against us, but that plays on my mind.

thanks for listening, dh home so dinner time!

Bumping just means bringing the thread to the top again.

It's really difficult being diplomatic when you are dealing with mad people. They will drag you down with them. They will make you behave how they want you to behave. If that means appallingly, that's what will happen. When you start feeling uncomfortable and perhaps start saying things you would not normally say, you may be being manipulated. It works both ways and we all do this to one degree or another.

If you are really stuck you may find councelling helpful, if only to find ways to protect yourself if you cannot leave this woman alone.

My own family background is pretty mad. My dad battered his wife and children and is a control freak and a bully. It isn't good for kids. These days I can talk to him sometimes, but he drinks too much. My brother has become a carbon-copy which is unbelievably sad. Life sometimes isn't worth living when people are so stupid. My mother meantime is giving up and possibly developing dementia.

I don't think your siblings are intending to be unkind when they advise you to steer clear. I hope I don't sound too harsh. If so I am sorry.

With my own situation, I don't think I can stand by and watch my bloody brother and take any more pain.

It sounds like you have been plenty tolerant enough, particularly since you and DH sound to have put with more than the other siblings. I suppose whether I was inclined to take anymore depends 1)and mostly importantly on DH's views and 2)on whether she is making any real effort to address her problems with the professionals.

Drop the guilt. She sounds like my mother. They think everyone else is in the wrong. My mother started talking about taking me to court to gain her granparents rightsto my child. Luckily theres no such thing, but a sad day came for me when I realised my mother <span class="italic">would</span> do that if she could. Please order "Emotional Blackmail" by susan Forward and it will help you overcome this. OrToxic Parents`.

Thank you all for your advice. Lots of stuff to take in. hellobello - the idea of counselling never occured to me tbh. I think it would help as i feel like i need help to deal with her, as she is mental.

Its so nice (not really though!) to know that other people understand having horrendous family situations. My dh Dad sexually abused his step-sister aged 11. This came out 3 years ago (6 weeks before our wedding!) i cant stand him for this but dh wants to maintain a relationship with him as he is still his dad - a whole other story but combined with what is happening with mil i feel like walking away from the lot of them so the posts above that say walk away, yeah i want to, really badly, but poor dh - look at his messed up family!

DH feels we should just change tact with MIL and not let her get away with negative behaviour. eg. when she says to us 'oh id love a new cooker, look at your cooker, oh but i cant afford one' (imagine catherine tate's gran character and you're getting there!)say to her, thats right, because you choose to spend your money on other things, rather than carry the guilt of not buying her one. We are often buying her new stuff as the old one has broken, she spends her money on shite.

your advice is really really appreciated - in answer to some of the questions above - no she is not doing anything to improve her mental or physical health - she likes to martyr so wont have hernia operation. This is her exscuse for the state of her flat (think how clean is your house). I have made it clear wont/cant take ds1 there so she always comes here, outstays welcome, we awkwardly ask her to leave by the time it gets to 10pm. she moans at this...

The truth is i know she will rot in her grotty flat if we fall out with her as sometimes i think all she wants is to fall out with us so she can moan (to who?) about us and poor her isn't she hard done by. She often tells us we do nothing for her and we honestly do sooooo much for her (financially, emotionally and practically) that i just feel like screaming!

Hellobello i understand totally how you feel. it is all consuming watching people destroy themselves, particularly when you offer them an alternative lifestyle and lots of patience and help. Have your kids been exposed to much of the destructive stuff? has it majorly effected them? what are their ages? would you advise complete withdrawal to protect ds1 before its too late?

sorry its so long again - so much to say/explain -

SAkura thanks for recomendation, have ordered it. She has threatened us re grandparents access, so glad no such thing exists. How sad for everyone involved that relationships end up at this point. Do you still ahve a rel with your mum?

No, no rel with my mum now. Best decision I ever made. Ive realised that instead of pouring energy into someone who will NEVER be happy with what I do, I can now put that energy into MY life and family. I have energy to do housework, to study, to improve myself and my relationship, to cook and dress creatively and to love DD. None of this would be possible if she was still in my life because Id be consumed by FEAR of what her next move would be and how she always tries to drive a tank through any bit of happiness I ever gain. SO you see, although it was incredibly difficult to carry out, with hindsight it was def for the best.
My MIL is a baddun too. Nitpicky, snidey, and undermining, likes playing divide and rule with her kids. I donT see her anymore either (although I let DH take DD (9 months) to see her, but I havent survived my mum only to put up with MORE abuse. My rel with DH is improving so rapidly since we`ve given MIL some boundaries.

Tort

You've done amazing well so far and at least your dh seems supportive.

Do not let her have unsupervised access to your child as someone in her state be given that responsibility. My BIL has depression and the last time we stayed with family he had a full on nervous breakdown. Although I felt bad for him every time he picked up my ds he almost dropped him again as he was on medication. My responsibilities lie with my ds. So, like you, I was trying to make him feel involved but at the same time trying to ensure ds was OK. It was a real strain.

I like the tack of changing your behaviour towards her and not absorbing the manipulative behaviour. Exactly - when she moans about her life just chip in that isn't it nice that the sun is shining or that she's had a lovely lunch.

Your child will notice her behaviour eventually and will not feel comfortable around her.

Sakura, your advice has helped me more than you will ever know. You sound in such a great place. What i don't understand currently working through all these emotions is why I have put up with it for so long. Normally I always edit negative people out of my life as I know what happens if you dont. They drag you down too. i guess because she is family i felt I had no choice. I think I will start by challanging all negative behaviour as outlined below. if she doesnt like this - tough. Myself, dh and ds1 are what matters. It is her choice to burn bridges with me a final time.

thank you so much everyone.