If your DH has an indoor hobby -how does it work?

[Holidayshopping]

DH has always enjoyed D+D type activities-painting figures etc. It has caused a few issues over the years as he will shut himself away in the study for hours at a time painting whilst I am doing everything else around the house/with the kids and then when he finally does come out, I’m pissed off and cross with him we have the ‘you don’t like me doing anything’ type conversations and then he says he’s trying to talk to me and I’m grumpy with him (true as I’m still cross) so he then retreats back into the study.

I feel like he almost orchestrates this and knows I’ll get cross so then he has a reason not have to talk to me as I’m being grumpy so he can spend the evening painting as well as all day.

I think it’s about communication and if he says-‘I’m going to spend a few hours painting Saturday afternoon’, I would work round that, but he doesn’t and it just feels like living with a stroppy teen who’s shut in his room. He says that for him to say that, he’d have to plan his time and he can’t do that. I think he’s being selfish and he thinks I’m being controlling! He would rather spend the evenings after work painting on on his pc in the study, I would rather he came and sat in the lounge with me. He says that’s me demanding he do what I want to do and if I actually wanted to spend time with him, I would go in sit in the (absolutely tiny and covered in stuff) study with him. Not in, you know-the nice family room where there are comfy sofas.

He then seems to wait until I come up and go to bed and then stops what he’s doing and goes down to the lounge to watch telly! Apparently he’s not avoiding me, but he’s painting whilst his eyes are ok and then when they get tired, he has to stop.

I just can’t quite see a way around this. Is anyone else in a similar situation?

My dad and most of my friends DHs doesn’t really have hobbies like this-they just do jobs around the house as their hobby and then sit together in the evenings, so I see that as ‘normal’. His parents didn’t-his dad was rather obsessive about his own hobbies and then his mum eventually left him for a really lovely man and they do things together!

I have an indoor hobby as I game and quite often but dh and I have time together every evening and watch tv, do crosswords and sometimes play board games. DH adores watching sport on tv, I loathe it so we both do our own thing indoors at the same time.

I see nothing wrong with an indoor hobby and time apart but sounds like it’s all he does and there is no balance whatsoever. Has he always been like this or is it now more time consuming.

This doesn't sound so much like it's about the hobby as it is about him skiving off being an active member of the household – it's not OK that you end up doing everything around the house and with the kids while he has his fun.

I can understand not wanting to plan his time down to the minute ahead of time, but he does need to step up and do his part of running the household before he schleps off to playtime...

DP's a musician and a night owl, while I'm a morning person, so we also have a lot of nights where he doesn't emerge from his studio until I've gone to bed –but I'm also out of the house and busy regularly with my own hobbies, so we have clear nights agreed where it's 'our time' and we'll hang out and do things together.

I do also go and spend time with him in the studio – I demanded a corner for my favourite armchair and I'll often spend a couple of hours in there in the evening with him reading or studying or drawing, since my activities there are more portable than his studio setup!

Have you had a chance to speak to your DP about this at a moment when you're not as pissed-off-right-now about it?

Or could you start by YOU taking the reins with time, and saying "I'd love us to spend a few hours together on Saturday afternoon - can we set some time aside?"... rather than waiting for him to volunteer the fact that he'll be painting for you to 'work around'?

You do sound like you've been sidelined, and it's not fair for you to feel like an afterthought.

My husband does warhammer. It's in the loft and he gos up there to paint.
There was an issue for a while but he had a tournament coming up and needed to paint. However there is an agreement that he only paints when kids are in bed and house reasonably tidy. I work long days so I refuse to come in to a dirty house so that is one of the agreements. He would paint three or four times a week but I like having time to myself lol and he says it how he relaxes so I don't mind. He does go away for it a lot like away for the day or weekend but again don't I don't mind he works hard at his job

and I'll often spend a couple of hours in there in the evening with him reading or studying or drawing, since my activities there are more portable than his studio setup!

This is what he says-it’s just not practical for him to move all his stuff, but the study is honestly tiny and full of stuff, there’s just no room for a comfortable chair for me in there.

I probably haven’t raised it at a calm time as it always ends in a row anyway so I usually can’t bring myself to so I end up seething.

However there is an agreement that he only paints when kids are in bed and house reasonably tidy.

What happens at the weekend? As during the day is when the light is good for painting...

This is not on OP. DH has a similar hobby. He does it in the evening with daylight bulbs on. He’s also perfectly capable of negotiating a couple of hours at the weekend to paint to fit around our small children and family time.

I agree it’s not a particularly portable hobby but DH does have a kind of lap tray for painting or basing figures. His stuff is in our spare room which is bigger than your study sounds and we have deliberately set it up with a telly and a daybed so I can go up there sometimes instead of being in separate rooms in the evenings.

Your DH is taking the piss.

I think it’s about communication and if he says-‘I’m going to spend a few hours painting Saturday afternoon’, I would work round that, but he doesn’t and it just feels like living with a stroppy teen who’s shut in his room
He says that for him to say that, he’d have to plan his time and he can’t do that. I think he’s being selfish and he thinks I’m being controlling
So he's just assuming that he can do his hobby any time he likes, becuase he doesn't have to worry about the children, cos you've got that covered?!
He's selfish and he is also the controlling one as he is controlling how you spend your time

Neither DP or I particularly like housework. So we have a cleaner.

Equally we like our own time and have our own interests. We make time to be together as a couple. For example protected evenings when we don’t plan other activities but spend the time together. We plan nights out and share some interests that we can do together or apart.

I imagine we wouldn’t work if we weren’t so independent of each other but also able to spend quality time together.

For a second I thought I’d written the original post and forgotten about it! I can relate to how annoyed you must be feeling. My DH is similar- he paints figures and games and up until recently has been doing that in the spare room. We have just recently had some arguments about it because we are needing the room to turn into a nursery so he’s losing his space.

We don’t have children yet but on the weekend he was getting up after lunch and spending all day painting and gaming, and we had arguments because I said I didn’t mind him doing his own thing but I wanted to know in advance when he was going to do it so I could also do my own thing/plan my time rather than sit around and wait for him.

Could you possibly have agreed evenings he could do his hobbies? Or could you plan some things you will do together on set days e.g on Wednesday and Friday evenings you watch tv together after the children are in bed?

Could you agree what tasks/work around the house must be done first before he uses his time as he pleases?

Failing all of that, could you find a hobby outside of the house e.g on a Thursday evening straight from work/picking up the children and leave him to do the children’s tea, homework, bedtime routine, so that he can see how difficult it is to be left to do everything while the other person takes time for themselves?

For me, we have found a temporary solution by chance as my DH is now working away Monday- Friday so he has every week day evening to game/paint as much as he wants, and we spend weekends together. But I think we will have the same issue as you in a few months when he is home every night.

My DH has a radio/electronics room in the basement. He only goes down there in the evening once kids are asleep and I'm settled in front of the tv. Or he says he wants to go down and asks if that's ok or if there's anything I need him to do first.

Basically, as you say, he communicates with me and doesn't just disappear to play while I work.