Feeling very anxious about my marriage

[Bch1990]

Hi all,

I hope I can get some opinions and perspective on the current situation of our relationship as I'm completely at a loss what to think or do. Sorry if it is a long read.

So we have been married for less than a year but have been together for 12 years. We have two daughters together age 5. When we tried for a baby my wife was so desperate to conceive it was all she wanted in life to be a mother, she was a nursery worker and surrounded my babies/toddlers all day and desperately wanted to have her own. We tried for a year before it finally happened, I remember her in tears of happiness when she found out. Fast forward to our daughters being born 12 weeks prem and after a difficult 7 weeks in hospital we finally brought them home. I did my best to run my business from home and my dad took on a lot of the work (for free) as well as providing us a flat to live in rent free as I was no longer earning enough money to pay for a place. I did it to support her and help with such a difficult time. After a year I gradually began to rebuild my business and spend less time at home, eventually getting back into a 9-5 routine. Soon we out grew the flat and again with the help of my dad were able to get a mortgage on a house when our girls were 3. We moved in and everything was great, for about 2 months. Then we got the news that her mum had cancer. She took the news hard and I was there for her to cry and confide in. Her mood started to change as she was processing the situation and she began to find it hard to get out bed in the mornings. The routine once our children started school quickly became a case of me getting them sorted in the morning while she laid in bed. She would eventually come down a few minutes before they needed to leave and would begin shouting at me because I hadn't done something small like put the drying up away from breakfast or hadn't got round to making the kids beds. Overtime it became demoralising that I would do more and more each day and would never get a thanks or recognition for anything. I would come home from work every night and have to cook the family dinner, I would bath our daughters, help out with all the household chores or do them solely myself. I began resenting her for how she treated me and how little she was doing for our daughters. She told me she felt like she had achieved nothing in her life and wanted to get her own job which I agreed to and pushed her to go for an interview which she ended up getting the job. She worked there for the 3 months leading up to our wedding and I was literally balancing everything, work, the kids, the house, the wedding and trying to support her with her mum visiting her in hospital with my wife because she found it too hard going alone. After the wedding she decided the job was too stressful and left. Her mums condition worsened over the past year and has reached the stage now of accepting the inevitable. The whole way through this process I have tried to be there for her however she wanted, if she needed space or a holiday to get away from everything I let her and held the fort so to speak with the kids at home. Anything she's wanted to do to help cope I have bent over backwards to provide sometimes making me feel exhausted or stressed due to financial burdens. I've given up so much time with my business to try and help her and I really couldn't have been any more involved in our children's lives from the day they were born. I got to the point of accepting the situation and hoping things would change once her grieving process had come to an end. Then a few weeks ago she drops a bombshell on me, I no longer make her happy. There is no chemistry between us. I've neglected her and only focused on the children and my business (our sole income). She can't stand spending time with me. She says she has no time for our relationship and doesn't care about me anymore. I feel so hurt that I have given everything to make her situation easier, always been there for support and she's trying to rewrite history it feels. She no longer wants me to be a part of the process, she doesn't want me to visit her mum with her. I'm really at a loss as to what to do. I'm so anxious about the future, I still love her so much. I don't want us to split and am so scared what that would do to our girls as I have been so present in their entire life. I know this could be another part of her grieving process but it is so hurtful and so worrying.

Please give your advise and opinions. Anything I do or say is ineffective. She seems dead set on cutting me out of her life. I have started to see a counsellor and even she is confused by my wife's behaviour.

Thanks
BCH

Would she go for couples counselling? Do you think she's depressed?

Ultimately you can't force someone to love you. Maybe it would be best for you to split. You could still see the twins a lot. She sounds like very hard work and maybe you would be happier apart.

I really think she is depressed- the erratic behaviour, the staying in bed and not engaging ect. I would ask her to have marriage therapy and see what she says. Sorry you are having such a hard time.

The division of labour in the home does not sound equal and does not sound like it has been fair on you but is also a reality for many women out there who are juggling work, kids and home.

You will have to decide whether the relationship is worth fighting for as she does not seem to have been giving you any love or support the last few years.

Then if it is you can try to see if it can be salvaged but if she has checked out and decided it’s over then you will have to accept it.

If you had sole/main custody of the children you would still be doing all the work but you would not have her criticising you and emotionally draining you.

She sounds like a very selfish, self-centred awful person. I think you'd be far happier without her personally.

Sorry you are going through this. I also think your wife is depressed - could have started after girls were born and then worsened by her mother’s illness perhaps? Try therapy/counselling if you can and she is agreeable. Does she have a good relationship with the girls?

Marriage counselling is a concrete no unfortunately. As she said she has no time for me or our relationship, its the least of her worries. Which I can 100% understand her focus is elsewhere but I'm completely at a loss to why she would tell me these things without wanting to work on it. It just leaves me in a limbo of not knowing where I stand in life. Can I fully commit and continue to do my best to support her if she's going to say its not enough for her somewhere down the line. At the same time how can I split with her when she's going through a traumatic time with her mum? It's like I've been stuck in this position for 2 years but with light at the end of the tunnel. Now that light has just disappeared.
She will talk to me normally through out the day and she'll speak about things in the future like house renovations etc as if everything is fine. Then her mood will change when we go to bed. I'm not allowed to touch her at all, no cuddle, no kiss even on the forehead or cheek.
She is definitely depressed, she's said she feels anxious a lot but she won't get help. She won't get counselling for herself. Makes excuses to not go and says I can't force her to do something she's not ready for. She's adament on coping by herself and she doesn't need anyone. She's slowly been cutting friends out of her social life, some that she would see regularly she hasn't seen for 6 months.
But she blames me for everything. That she doesn't have a job and her own income. That she has no self confidence or that she feels she has no goal in life. It's like anything I do to help is wrong and anything I don't do is wrong too. I can't win. And I have the kids to think about, not just my own feelings which makes things so much harder.

It’s difficult being with someone who won’t recognise they have depression. My stbxh was always critical and negative. He also emotionally withdrew. If she doesn’t want to fix it and doesn’t want help there isn’t anything you can do. But don’t leave your kids with someone who is negative, withdrawn and not able to prioritise their needs. One of the main reasons I ended our relationship was because the impact of his moods on the children. I could put up with it just but it was affecting them and one was copying his dad being rude, aggressive and putting me down. That’s when I knew I couldn’t wait for him to sort himself out any longer. It was a terrible role model of a relationship for them. Why wouldn’t you still be present in their lives you can start at 50:50 or push for more time living with you if you consider that would be in their best interests. How does she envisage paying for 2 homes? Is she going to argue she is the main carer on basis not working? I would concentrate on protecting yourself, your kids and your finances. She can’t cut you out of their lives. I work part time, am sole earner and have 3 kids. It’s tough but I manage and I know they are better with me who puts them first. And it is alot easier parenting without someone undermining you. I do know people who have been through tough times and depression with a partner and fixed it but the difference was their partner wanted it to work and sought help.

She has been very selfish and you’ve enabled that (out of kindness I know). I think you’d be better off without her and maybe she would have an opportunity to take responsibility for herself on her own.

As painful as it is I think you should just agree to a split. If you do I think there’s a chance she will crawl back (once she realises that as a single woman she will have to step up) but I honestly think it will be better for you and your future to refuse to get back together.

Alternatively she may have met someone else. Whatever the circumstances you sound ace and I think you’d be best off looking to the future. Your girls will be ok.

It may be that she needs to hit a sort of rock bottom with her mental health issues before she will realise she has to get some help.

At the moment, because you are doing so much you are enabling her to believe that she is still functioning ok, because the kids get to school, the meals are cooked, etc... The normal stuff happens just as it used to, because you are doing all of it. I think perhaps you should agree to a trial separation. Without you being there to do everything I suspect things will come to a head with her depression or whatever her issues are, fairly quickly. But basically, at the moment you're enabling her to not have to deal with reality because - a bit like someone who cleans up after an alcoholic - she can continue to believe that she's functioning ok as nothing seems to be falling apart (because you have picked up all the slack).