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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

No sex life. Miserable and lonely

13 replies

ClearlyItsMe · 28/01/2019 00:06

The last time we had sex was October.
We have had a rocky time but i thought we had turned a corner. Before that it was a gap of over 1 year.
Dp is 30. I'm 27. Been together 4/ 4.5 years.
We have a dc 3 years and I have a dc 9 year with ex.

Dp and i get on okay. We have a silly since of humour. Understand each other but our sex life is just dead.
It have never been all night every night but maybe twice a week.
Since our dc came we have had sex maybe 6 times in the 3 years.
He doesn't even realise how little it happens.
He say he likes sex so its obviously me.

I am just miserable from the lack of affection. And when we do have sex it feel forced now because I have had to speak to him about how to improve our relationship so many times.
He decided we would have a set night each week and in the 3 weeks it still hasnt happened.
I am fed up of hinting or hoping he will throw me some affection.
I don't want to split up my family for my selfish reasons but I can't be this lonely anymore.

I feel like I am wasting my life and you only get one shot at life?
Am I selfish?
Am I wrong?
Has anyone been here and fixed This?

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 28/01/2019 00:30

It’s unlikely to be really fixable.
Unless it’s a medical issue.
I don’t know how one gets attraction back once it goes.
And in your age - both still young - it shouldn’t be this hard.

I’d not stay in a relationship w/o sex... Not like you are retirement age and it’s a natural slow down. You have years ahead of you.
Life is way too short to live like this.

Original poster
ClearlyItsMe · 28/01/2019 00:35

I just feel so selfish ending a relationship all because of sex.
It doesn't feel like a real reason like cheating or abuse.
And the children would be heartbroken.
I would cause so much hurt to them

OP posts:
Original poster
ClearlyItsMe · 28/01/2019 00:36

I just feel old before my time.

OP posts:
mayathebeealldaylong · 28/01/2019 00:41

Find something he likes and stop it. My dp has started this shit, and it pisses me off and hurts because of the amount of times we had sex at the beginning and throughout my pregnancy for him to be like I'm tired. Or I like to cuddle. I want to feel wanted and sexy especially after looking after a lo all day.
So I've stopped the lovely texts and we will see where that gets me.

Servalan · 28/01/2019 00:44

I've been there and it didn't get fixed - but then my ExH and I had other problems too.

Would it be worth trying to seek relationship counselling with someone specialising in sex therapy to see if you can get support rekindling things.

Often it's more about rekindling intimacy rather than the focus on sex.

He has to want this to work too though. If it's one sided without commitment from him you're on a hiding to nothing.

You are not selfish for wanting sex and affection in your marriage. I know that lack of those things took a huge toll on me.

Njordsgrrrl · 28/01/2019 00:51

Oh, you are so young to be going through this. I wish I had some advice but it's a new one for me and I'm late forties. 💐 for you.

Gre8scott · 28/01/2019 06:34

It doesnt get fixed it gets worse. Our sex life died when our daughter was born and shes nearly 6 and an only child i hate my husband but i cant leave i have nothing of my own. I cry daily cos i think how sad it is for my daughter i grew up in a loveing family she doesn't

NotANotMan · 28/01/2019 06:37

It's not selfish to leave over this. You only have one life, don't waste it

Original poster
ClearlyItsMe · 28/01/2019 17:37

Grea8scott I am so sorry you are so sad. Flowers
It is very lonely indeed.
I keep saying if it doenst change x date I am leaving. But I never actually stick to this. He makes promises of change and I give it more time. It's like being stuck on a hamster wheel.
Thank you everyone for your thoughts Flowers

OP posts:
Servalan · 28/01/2019 18:24

Just noticed your name - I thought it clearly was me too.

I'd put on too much weight
My mental health was too bad
I didn't keep the house tidy enough
I was boring company
I nagged too much

and on and on and on.

Post divorce, I've been in a relationship for five years now with someone that loves me inside and out (has loved me fat and loved me thin - it makes no difference) - terrific, connected sex life...

My ex in the meantime is embittered and single

Turns out, it wasn't me, it was him.

Other than sharing a sense of humour, what is the rest of your relationship like? Do you have a decent friendship? Do you feel valued? Taken seriously?

Most importantly, can he see the toll this is taking on you and does he want to work with you to improve this? Because it takes 2 people to make a relationship work.

Original poster
ClearlyItsMe · 30/01/2019 12:35

Servalan I am glad you are now happy.
We enjoy each other's company. He is my bestfriend, a wonderful father and I do find him attractive still.
I just feel like we have move into the comfy slippers part of he relationship before our time.

We have spoke and he agrees we need to work on our relationship and get to know each other again.

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 30/01/2019 18:09

We have spoke and he agrees we need to work on our relationship and get to know each other again

Back on that hamster wheel dus.

2fingers22018 · 30/01/2019 19:36

@ClearlyItsMe maybe its medical and hes too embaressed to say it is he perhaps depressed and its affecting his libido?

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