Anxiety/agoraphobia pushing away DHd

[AvocadoYUK]

So before me and my DH had kids we were head over heals. Not particularly social but always busy with work or events , Lots of sex etc.
But since I've had our child (nearing 2 years) I feel like I'm pushing him away and his impaitents is strong. I now have severe anxiety which has lead to agoraphobia so I find it extremely difficult to go into social situations , no dinners together or anything. This only came about 1 year in, before I was recovering from a pretty traumatic birth. I've been trying to get help, pills, counselling but sadly things haven't gone smoothly (lost in the system a few times, bad reaction to pills what have you). Im really trying. My husband was being supportive at the start, thinking it was a temporary thing from the birth but now it's taking a long tme to "fix" or I'm not "getting over it" he's starting to get more and more annoyed at me struggling to go out for meals. We never do. But any tome I suggest anything romantic that fits around me he says no (eg. Mum taking our child For an evening when I cook a multi course romantic dinner) Our sex life is okay, slowly getting there which I often think things are okay but apparently "we never have sex" (but once a week and playing in between isn't so bad is it?)
I can see how frustrating it is to live with someone like me but I was wondering if anything had any advice on being a couple when one has severe anxiety or agoraphobia? I need some tips to either help him understand that I can't just get up and go, or to help us... I feel so.lost and yet stuck :-(

Sorry title was meant to be just DH! ! X

How long have you not had sex for? It sounds like a while and I'm not sure what playing between actually means.

Have you had CBT? Will you take your child to nursery? Do you go grocery shopping?

any tome I suggest anything romantic that fits around me he says no

Because that is just side-stepping the issue, which is frustrating to the other party. Do you leave the house at all at the moment?

Please go to your GP and see if you can get a consultation. I do wonder if this is post natal depression.

I felt quite low after dd was born and almost developed a kind of agoraphobia. Luckily I had signed up for a post natal class and it got me out of the house. Prior o getting married I had had anxiety and I saw a counselor and had CBT.

Hopefully, your husband can learn to be a bit patient.

I think it is very helpful to maybe try smaller going out first, not a whole meal but a coffee, leave baby with someone reliable and go out for a short while or you and dh take baby to the park.

showmeshoyu "Because that is just side-stepping the issue, which is frustrating to the other party. " What does this mean?

Good luck OP.

I used to be horribly agoraphobic, and frankly, you have to push yourself. I hated it, it was horrible, but I went to the doctors and MADE myself do things outside of my comfort zone. It's deeply unpleasant initially, but you have to make the effort. It's not fun for you or your husband, and his frustration will only get worse. My anxiety and panic used to rise when I pushed myself, but it would eventually hit a plateau and gradually drop. You have to rinse and repeat. Enabling it won't get you anywhere.

What does this mean?
The example given was no meals out so OP suggests cooking a meal in instead. This was declined, and OP seemed to be puzzled by this, but I can see a partner being frustrated by attempts to not do the thing they should be doing. IMHO that was just side-stepping the issue of not wanting to go out.

Ah OK I can see that, showmeshoyu.

OP can put into words what scares you about going out or is it totally irrational. When I had anxiety, I would get a kind of panic attack on pubic transport or in a hotel etc but, although irrational, I could put it into words. My counsellor said I was 'fortune telling' and it was always the worst case scenario. I would feed my anxieties by watching the news or reading the newspapers.

I agree with artisanscotcheggs about pushing yourself, although I'd go for small steps and build up. I won't tell you my anxieties but suffice to say they were very unrealistic and unlikely to happen. But they were 'felt' rather than expressed rational fears. Now, years later I cannot imagine I even had them.

Please do press for help.You need to believe you are really worth it. You are worth helping and you will get through this.

I initially made a list of places I wanted to go if I wasn't being mental (I know this isn't a popular viewpoint but I would use self mocking humour to get through stuff) and I started small. First place I wrote down was the local Starbucks, cos a mate loved it and I wanted to have coffee with her. It was within walking distance. I told my then husband that I really wanted to achieve it and that he shouldn't let me wriggle out of it. It took a few attempts because of noise, but shades, earbuds and a hoodie along with holding his hand very tightly (he was very patient) meant we got there eventually.

You can't build your life around agoraphobia otherwise you will never recover. I cried a lot, panicked a lot, and felt stupid as fuck, but eventually I recovered. Your family needs you to push yourself to get well.

artisanscotcheggs it's so glad that you made it. Well done.

Not forcing yourself to leave your home is only fueling your anxiety. Right now, you are trapped in the vicious circle of having anxiety because you FEAR your anxiety. Anxiety and/or panic attacks can't hurt you. All they are is a horrible rush of cortisol (your fight or flight hormone), and giving in only makes it worse. You have to consciously push yourself through the discomfort no matter how much it scares you or it will only get worse. You are your own worst enemy right now and sadly it is impacting not only you, but your husband as well. You are both a prisoner of your anxiety.

I know how you feel because I've been there. There is no magic pill a doctor can give you. You MUST fight this battle yourself and you CAN win. I promise. The DARE book by Barry McDonagh helped me more than I can possibly say. You simply must refuse to be a slave to your anxieties.

@Italiangreyhound thank you! 🌺

I also used to find THE ABSOLUTE WORST was the time leading up to me needing to do something. So I'd be completely losing my shit an hour before, and during getting to places, but when I got there, I realised that I'd cracked it, pushed myself to DO THE THING, and felt dead proud of meself after. It's totally reasonable to give yourself little rewards too. Whenever I made it to Starbucks, I walked across the road to Waterstones and got myself a new book. I was always good in Waterstones, because it was quiet, THERE WAS ALWAYS NEW BOOK SMELL, and I felt great after.

@AvocadoYUK i promise you, you can do this.

Balls, I meant to add this:
[[https://www.amazon.co.uk/Survive-World-When-Your-Head/dp/1473659698/ref=nodl_
How to Survive the End of the World (When it's in Your Own Head): An Anxiety Survival Guide]]

This is an amazing book and I think it will help you a lot.

Courage to all you amazing people.