How can I accept it

[ItsAllMyFault1]

NC for this as I'm hurting so much

My marriage ended today. I cheated in August, not a full on affair or even sex, it was kiss and foreplay on a drunken night which I was honest about. There's been other issues in the past, with both of us, we're both human and have made mistakes and hurt each other, but it's been 13 years. I'm ashamed to say I broke his heart. He did his best to get over it, but he's really struggled.

After Xmas we decided to try having a break, but I was like a woman possessed when he wasn't with me, constantly checking my phone then imagining he was with other women (he wasn't but he has a few female friends who before now I've never felt threatened by) and I would constantly text him. Sometimes pathetic begging, other times horrible stuff, It came to a head last week and he asked for a week apart to get his head straight. I agreed and promised to leave him alone. But then this weekend, alone with my DC was so hard. I was up at 6 this morning just sitting on the sofa crying for nearly two hours. I just knew that a week would change nothing, I knew that come next Friday he would be telling me it's over. So I text him, I told him it was too hard and that we need to call it a day, for me, for him and for our kids. I can't be a good mum if I'm blubbering all day

He came round this evening, and saying goodbye is so hard. I'll still see him, as we are doing our best to stay amicable for the dc, but my heart is in two. I miss him so much, I love him so much, I hate myself for what I did and can't explain why I did it. In my head I'm dreaming of a reconciliation, of us having the future together we've always planned. I think of him not living here and it's too hard.

I know this is my fault, I know I made a huge mistake that hurt the person I love more than anything, I know I deserve this pain, how can I accept this break up and let him move on? My fingers itch to call him just so I can hear his voice, just so I know he's thinking of me,

just so I know he's thinking of me

Really...? I had some sympathy for you... but really? You've fucked up his life. The least you could do is wish him some mental calm rather than plotting how to keep yourself in his head.

Don't contact him. Have you any friends you could call, or relatives? If you work, is there an employee assistance program you could call, they usually have a crisis line.

Oh dear. It’s hard to know what to say really OP. I guess it could be said that the paranoia you were suffering with was your comeback for cheating on your husband, and subsequently playing down what you did by saying it wasn’t a ‘full on’ affair or sex (because sucking someone’s cock is so much better?!) then taking out your upset on him.
I’m sorry you’re so low, and I’m sorry that your life has taken this turn, but I am sorrier still for your husband and your children.

I have to stay in contact, we have kids and they need to see parenting together, I don't want to hurt them more by having us do that awkward dance if no contact. I want to stop thinking of him, I want to leave him alone. You are right about the paranoia being my own backlash, I realise that and in my more lucid moments I can control it, but then, with no sleep and struggling to do the day to day things that I need to do for my kids and my job it gives way in this awful backlash.

No one can hate me as much as I do right now. So roasting me on here is pointless. Im just trying to find some little pearl that can make me survive these first few days/weeks to let go and give him the space he needs, deserves, to find some happiness again.

Can you try not thinking about it? Try to think about other things, if you can get through an hour, then the next hour? I know it's really hard but if you keep playing it over & over in your head you are just going to be in a state.
Guilt is an awful thing to live with, perhaps you could contact relate to get some counselling on your own to learn to forgive yourself.

Thank you surfing, I have looked at counselling in the past. Unfortunately, with my job and my kids and now without DH I won't get much time to fit any sort of appointment in, at least for the next few weeks anyway. My friend suggested signing off work but there's a big event in the next couple of weeks and I'm needed, I can't risk my job now when I'm going to be the only wage earner in the house, and he will need extra to help him find somewhere to live (I plan on helping him as much as I can, as I do take full responsibility for the mess I've made).

I've spoken to friends, and they help to get me focused on surviving and being strong in front of the dc, but it's these lonely evenings just staring at whatever is on the TV, I tried to work as well but it's hard to concentrate when I've not slept properly in weeks. I just want to switch my brain off for the next couple of weeks. I can't go on like this

You have no choice but to accept it. You cheated on your DH and he will need some time to deal with his feelings.

You said in your first post My fingers itch to call him just so I can hear his voice, just so I know he's thinking of me. Don't do that, it would be entirely for your benefit, not his.

In the meantime, you need to sort yourself out for the sake of your children. Try to eat and sleep as much as you can.

Presumably when he feels ready, your DH will contact you to agree which days he has the children, pick up times etc.

Until then, it's probably fortunate that your job is going to keep you busy.