My therapist has retired

[MissLanesAmericanCousin]

My highly regarded and brilliant complex trauma therapist is retiring. Part of her retirement involves a chronic health issue so, I was only given two weeks notice to process her leaving. I do not hold this against her at all. My first thoughts are with her, but I can't help feeling completely shocked, saddened, abandon and lost without her. She was my therapist for almost 3 years and was like a surrogate mother to me. Our last session was bittersweet as I cried a few times and she had tears in her eyes. I have been given a good referral. She handpicked this new therapist for me and apparently she's quite brilliant.

The fact of the matter is, no one, no matter how brilliant is going to replace my therapist. It took me close to a year to trust her, as I have a hard time trusting anyone. I have Complex PTSD, ASD,and chronic depression and acute anxiety.

I guess what I am asking for, is any advice on how to get though this. I feel completely shaken and have self medicated to deal with it, although I know it's wrong.

I guess I just need a handhold or hug, or some wise words from the women (and men) on MN who managed to go through this and find another therapist that suits them. Maybe, some positive stories?

I really don't know what I'm looking for, or what I'm even writing. I feel like the rug has been pulled from under me. I was a mess about 3 years ago, I developed agoraphobia and wouldn't leave the house. It was a nightmare. I have since blossomed in therapy and now I go out at least 3-4 times a week. 5 days a week for walks with my friend. Now, I feel like shutting down. The walls are closing in on me. My heart is tight. My throat is tight. I've taken my anti anxiety meds but I just feel fuzzy.

I deeply apologize for the novel, but DH is away, and I have no one to turn to. My mother is not a possibility, because she is a toxic violent woman and my sister is shutting down for her own reasons. My brother is estranged for over 20 years because of what he did to me. My father is dead. I don't want to burden my friends with this.

I shouldn't have read the MJ thread, as that brought back a flash back to my own abuse where no one believed me,

I should just shut up now. I'm rambling now. If there's anyone out there. Any kind words or words of wisdom would be greatly appreciate.

I deeply apologize for the long post.

I guess, I posted this to late. Sometime I forget the vast time difference. Is there anyone there?

I am here, and listening, and very sorry for your ending. She sounds like a wonderful therapist, no wonder you are grieving her

You have done so well in therapy. Please hang onto the progress: walks and going out. And have faith in her choice of new therapist for you. Sending many good thoughts.

Oh lovely

Normally we have a few weeks to work towards an ending, but it seems both of you have been unable to have this. Make no mistake your therapist will be grieving in their own way as well.

She has given you a great gift though, that is there is hope and recovery on your journey, and you have worked so incredibly hard to achieve this. This is a grieving process your in at the moment, if possible just sit with the feelings and let them flow over you, if you listen carefully you may be even able to hear her words to you, what would she say now to you?

When you see the next therapist, take this ending to her, and process it as you need to, I imagine that she will be be expecting you to.

You have come so far, hold on to the thought, that you are loved and held in someone's thoughts, and that they are handing you over to the care of another safe set of hands.

You have done brilliantly so far, you should be very proud of yourself.

Thank you PrimeExample, I am in absolute tears over losing her. I can barely see the keyboard to write. And, my wretch of a mother called me yesterday compl aing that none of her children call her or visit her. Ha! There is a reason for that. One of us hasn't spoken to her in over 10 years. The rest just have low contact. She is completely delusional about the damage she inflicted on us with extension cords, wire hangers, bloody noses and pulled out hair. Not to mention, she would be the innocent one to guilt the one who had acted up and vice versa, I think in her mind she felt we would learn not to act up in this way. She was a tyrant. One minute singing are praises, the next, wailing on us for no reason. I mean for christ sake she tried to kill by brother by asking hear BIL to punch her in the stomach repeatedly so she would lose the baby. He survived but had a stoke in the womb.

No wonder, I've been looking for a mother figure my entire life. And, here, I've finally found her, and I will never get to talk to her again. I am beside myself. I feel like I'm going through my Dad's death all over again-not as bad mind you, but it is still terrible. I think I'm still in shock and I don't know how to cope.

It is tough to change therapists especially when you have found one that you like/trust/respect etc.

I am sorry you have had awful events in your life. You have been doing great and for the last three years-that is a huge accomplishment. Well done!

Did you keep a journal of your sessions? You could reread your journal to help keep perspective during this transition. If you did not keep a journal- you can start one-and try to catalog advice you remember from her. Journal and re-journal issues to self-coach yourself to at least temporarily cope with anything that crops up.

Can you get a copy of your therapy/counseling record? It may be difficult to get a copy later on (for whatever reason). I don’t know if that would be a good idea or not; but it could be useful if you ever need to apply for benefits (I am not in the U.K. so health systems are different-ignore me if irrelevant).

Ask for book recommendations too.

X post. Is it possible to cut all ties with your mother? Contact with her must be very triggering for you.

I don’t have advice but I am also autistic and have an incredible therapist who I would be lost without so I totally get the panic.

Is there any scope to keep informal contact eg via email?

I wish I could say something more helpful. But I do understand how hard this must be.

You had very short notice that your sessions were ending so it's not surprising that you are struggling. Endings can be really hard and need careful work for a gradual withdrawal. Sadly for reasons out of your control this didn't happen for you.
I can't speak for your therapist but I wouldn't be surprised if she too felt emotional and uncomfortable about this having to happen.
Try and remember all the progress you have made, it is your hard work and no one else's that has moved you forward.

Guiltypleasures001, thank you for your kind and thoughtful response. Your encouragement is greatly needed and appreciated. Thank you.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Thank you for your advice and for your thoughtful response. Unfortunately, no, I did not write a journal, as I have a phobia about journals. My sister read mine when I was 12 and attacked me for it. I never got over it, so I never write anything down other then non fiction prose, or poems. Which probably isn't going to help now.

In regards, to going NC with my mother, I would love to, but I feel absolutely tied to her. My father has died so I (like an idiot) invited her to stay close to us. So she lives on an apartment down the road from us. I wanted her near, because she always made all of us kids feel responsible for her. She is, how should I phrase it, of low intelligence and has the EQ of a obstinate 5 year old. The only times I can deal with her is when she is in her teenage gossipy stage which I hate, but much better than the back handed compliments and gas lighting that happens and down right lying through her teeth and constant denial of the past and delusions of the present. My sister and I remain low contact because frankly, we feel sorry for her. Her mother didn't treat her any better and we when we see her we see this fragile little girl not the manipulative, scheming, bitter backbiting witch that she has become.
I would love to go NC. But emotionally, I'm just not ready for it.

When my therapy ended due to my private health insurance reaching its max number of appointments I was devastated. I become almost dependant on her. I cried throughout that last session.

Allow yourself time to grieve. It's a loss and a significant one.

Would you be able to send an email or a card in a few months time with an update as to how your doing? Might help with the closure and moving on to a new therapist.

Sorry you are going through this, it really sounds like it was a horrible shock and it sounds like you feel that you've missed the chance to discuss some things with her. I went through this when I stopped seeing my university counsellor - it was a long time ago but I still remember how raw it felt. It really is a bit like a bereavement. Has she suggested you keep in touch? Some therapists are happy to do this, perhaps by occasional email.

If the idea of writing stuff down is not too upsetting, I would try to make a note of some things she has said that have helped you. Maybe use a password protected document on your computer?

I am with another counsellor now and she has also been great so it is possible to start again. I'm so glad your therapist has given you a good referral - definitely take your feelings to her about the end of your relationship with your previous therapist. I've had a long relationship with my new one as she is my support through a lot of medical issues as well as PTSD, depression and anxiety. In fact I am just starting to worry that she might start thinking about retirement soon...

ItsLikeRainOnYourWeddingDay, thank you. I'm so sorry to hear you lost yours too. Insurance is a bitch. I think the email is a good idea. I will text her today, to see if she thinks it's okay. Btw, I hope you are doing better and found a really good therapist. The good ones can be hard to find sometimes.

Twotabbycats Yes, it really does feel like someone died, to be honest. The last time I felt this way was when my father died. I know to some, that might sound batty, but she has been such an integral and positive part of my life. I feel so untethered going forward.
I will take your advice into account. I don't think I could write now, but maybe next week? Right now, I just feel so numb. I don't feel like facing the truth of her being gone. I just want to space out and not think of anything.
I'm glad to hear that you found another therapist that you can connect with. I too, have C-PTSD and I battle depression and anxiety. It is a difficult road to be on, but with the right support and care it can be managed. Do you have outside support too? Fortunately, my DH has been absolutely wonderful. He has listened to my fears and has held me and is giving me time to grieve. He understands that it is, like another poster mentioned, a significant loss. I also have a best friend who is extremely understanding and accepting of my challenges. I usually walk with her every morning and today I told her that I wasn't up for it. She was kind enough to suggest I take the week off, and resume again on Monday. It is support like that, that has saved my life.

Thank you, to everyone who have responded to my post and lent their support and shared their stories. It means a lot to me and I feel very grateful to you all.