So unhappy and want to leave but no idea how

[SallyJupiter]

Hi everyone,

I have been with my partner for 3 years and we have an almost 1 year old daughter. I am a stay at home Mum as my partner earns quite well so I am lucky enough to have that option.

I'll just skip to the meat shall I. Our relationship is awful. We fight literally everyday. Big ugly fights. I actually hate him. He is a coward, a liar, completely disinterested in all but the cute parts of being a Father... we are in huge amounts of debt because of him and he's lied to my face about it repeatedly. I need to leave because I grew up with parents who were emotionally and verbally abusive to one another and I do not want that for my daughter. He seems quite happy to yell and shout in front of her but I will not be a part of it anymore.

My problem is I have no idea how I would manage financially. I've never had to claim benefits and I was financially independent pre-baby so this is all completely new territory for me. We're not married and I have no idea how that would affect things. I am terrified but really feel like this is the right thing to do. I've suggested counselling but he doesn't 'believe in talking' so he's leaving me no choice.

I guess rather than advice I'm looking for success stories from other Mums who left their partners, what they did and how it turned out for them, although I appreciate that every situation is different.

Thanks in advance.

Bumpity bump

I don't have experience but you only have to read on this forum for a few days to get some help, advice and success stories. If you were financially independent until you had your child then it can't be long ago and you should be able to get back? It's definitely clear that you should leave though, it's no way to live.

Go to CAB to get advice. As your not married you won’t be entitled to money from him for you but you will be entitled to child support. Look up the calculator online. There are also benefits calculators online too. Re the debts - whose name are they in? If they are in his then you are in the clear as you are not married but if they are in yours you will have to pay back - perhaps contact these people to come to a debt repayment plan.

Will you be able to go back to your old job? Bottom line is the next few years will be difficult financially but worth it to be happy.

Yes I've had a search and there are quite a few people in the same situation. I will call CAB. The trouble is I blew all my savings buying DD's stuff as I was incredibly ill during my pregnancy and couldn't work for 5 months or so and the money I made when I went back was used for bills as he decidedly to quit his job without telling me beforehand and had 3 months off before finding his current one so it all went to bills. So I have nothing to start with. I won't able to afford to pay for childcare so I can go back to work so it will be a vicious cycle of no childcare for work but no work without childcare if that makes sense. Plus I know you're going to say I'd have to suck it up and I know that logically is true but the idea of suddenly putting my DD in childcare for 40+ hours a week when I currently spend 24/7 with her makes me feel a bit sick. I know I am lucky to be able to stay home so I know many women have no choice.

They are his debts. Thank God we aren't married. He wouldn't have anything to give anyway.

I am going to assume he will not agree to you staying in the family home which he pays for until you can return to work. So you are going to need to find somewhere new to live. This is going to be difficult anywhere but incredibly difficult in some parts of the country. I assume you have no income and no savings. Are you able to borrow some money.

Ideally, moving in with family could provide you with time to sort out you finances and to find somewhere to live. I would contact support agencies, CAB, women’s aid and the local council.

He will have to pay child support maintenance, if you leave. You will get benefits on top of this, CAB will advise on this.

Nb just a general point. You are not in a fortunate position as SAHP, you are financially vulnerable and if you are in debt you can not afford this. If you do nothing else return to work as you need income and financial independence. Being an unmarried SAHP without your own income is never a good option just a bad one.