Tips to mend a broken heart

[Oxalis]

I’ve NC for this, fresh start and all that.

I thought i’d share some of the things that have helped me. Any other advice is very welcome.

1. Lean on your friends/family. Obviously there comes a point when they want you to pull yourself together, and for some friends that will come sooner than others, but as long as you remember to ask them about themselves and let them get a word in now and again your friends will support you with kind words, nights out etc.

1. Keep busy. Idle hands are the devils workshop. Make lots of plans.

1. Resist the temptation to stalk FB, WhatsApp etc (see above). If you cannot go cold turkey than wean yourself off in stages.

1. Delete messages and do not look at photos. If you can’t do it immediately, that’s ok wait until you are feeling stronger.

1. Rediscover old interests. Take up things you used to enjoy. This is a less risky strategy than taking up new interests especially if you are feeling vulnerable.

1. Exercise, exercise, exercise. Generally you have to concentrate to get through most sports or classes which gives your mind a chance to think about something else which can be a blessed relief. Also you’ll probably end up healthier/toned and exercising will mean you have to remember to eat and drink too.

1. There will be setbacks along the way. You may be feeling like you are getting somewhere and then you find out they have a hot new partner. You might feel as though you are back to square one but you are stronger than you were and will bounce back quicker than you did in the beginning.

1. The old cliche: time. At first you may feel you are going through the motions and find little happiness in your life. In time you will become stronger, you will smile more at things, realise it wasn’t even the third thing you thought about when you woke up in the morning.

1. Congratulate yourself for your small victories. Not looking at WhatsApp for a day, not being tempted to hang out where you might see them, not messaging them, getting through the first month.

10. Try to be grateful every day. Keep reminding yourself of reasons you are lucky. Whether it is your children, a sunny day, a nice view etc. You might not feel it at first but it will come in time.

11. Remember that they had faults. It can be helpful to remind yourself of the things they did that were not great.

12. Alcohol is a depressant. For sure drinks with friends are fun but be aware of how much you drink and how you might deal with the aftermath.

I hope if you are reading this you find it helpful and are not feeling too bad.

I’d agree with all of those.
It’s not all that helpful when you are heartbroken but time does help and unfortunately you can’t rush that. You might not notice it but every day you will get a little bit stronger until one day you don’t get floored by the things you did in the early stages.

Make a list of all the things you didn’t like about them!

.. this doesn’t seem to be working for me, despite having compiled an extremely long list

I found every time I wanted to say something to them. Angry, upset or just to get off my chest I'd write it in my notes

I'd write the whole text, my notes are full but it's quite funny to read them back and it stopped the urge to text them

I like the notes and lists. I’d have to burn them though.

I'm trying to do all of these things. The worst thing for me is the rumination. I can't seem to turn my brain off. I have written the bad things but it doesn't seem to help much. I don't want to get back together as he was abusive and mean at times and me me massively anxious.

I think I feel embarrassed and pathetic that I haven't moved on after 3 months. He got a new girlfriend after 3 weeks and that hurts. I just keep thinking about everything.. what I should have said to him, replaying events, feeling frustrated that he doesn't understand what he's done.

Any tips for dealing with the thoughts when they come into your head? I'm trying so hard to be busy but they creep in.

2 suggestions

Write them down in a notebook
Therapy

Sorry someone already said notes

My husband moved out at the beginning of January, I have good days and then I have what I call my wobbly days. Today is a wobbly day because he’s out on a date tonight, I know that because he’s taken the family car to take her out in (his is a stinky shed of a vehicle). He’s also been on three other dates in the last two weeks, I know that because he’s paying for the meals/ drinks using the joint account I still have access to. OP your list has been very helpful, I know I need to stop obsessing over and tracking the joint account and I need to remember that his actions are those of someone who clearly has no regard for my feelings. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day

I really struggle still with going back over old arguments, my brain still hasn’t caught up with me and I keep finding myself thinking about him / reminiscing. I’ve found physically stopping myself and repeating in my head “I am letting go of what no longer serves me” snaps me out of it, and allows me to change the channels in my head a bit. I’m hoping the more I do it, the easier it will be to break the habit!

Falaff I'd say download headspace now and do the basics 1,2,3

It will change you life

@falaff don’t be embarrassed. How ever long it takes is right for you. Have things got any easier over the last 3 months? He may never understand, that is his error not yours. We don’t always get to say what we should, or say the right things, you are only human and dealt with it your best. Be kind to yourself.

@ragcat I hope tomorrow is a better day. Definitely try to stop checking the joint account. The dates will still happen whether you do or not, it only hurts you to check and you are probably better off not knowing if you can bare not to check. It’s not easy so maybe take it a day at a time.

Catscratch I am still retraining my brain to think of him less, but I am definitely getting there.

I don’t know. I think a good wallow, look at everything and feel really shit about life gets it all out. You know that however much you torture yourself you will still be there miserable and alone.
Music helps. Friends help. Agree with exercise.
It’s like a death. You don’t get over it as much as you learn to live with it. Sadly all my exes have been really lovely decent blokes who weren’t at fault in the break ups.

My heart was broken in 1988. I started recovering the night I met DH in 1989. I had given up men. Recovefy was almost instantaneous

@Oxalic thanks. It hasn't really got easier, just changed. I think I am very depressed though and just feeling very lonely. It doesn't help that I'm living on my own and don't have a job at the moment. I'm really trying to fill my days.

It hurts that I saw him the other day and he told me about his new girlfriend and how soon it was. I honestly don't know how he moved on so quickly after telling me thrwe weks before how much he loved me. He was going to get counselling and I stupidly thought he would see what he had done and change and we would try again. He said he has no arguments with this new girl and he wouldn't want to get back with me because we argued all the time. Yes we did - about his jealousy, insecurity and later on about how he was mean to me about little things.

I just feel like I will never find anyone now. I know I am mourning a relationship that didn't really exist and I am so much better for ending it in the long term but in the short term it's so painful.

I think it deleted my message.

It just hurts that I tried so hard in the relationship to fix things and lost myself in the process. He did all the damage but now he's happy with his new girlfriend and says he has fixed his issues. Whilst I am sat here unable to get out of bed and feeling lost. It's so unfair. He even said things like I did nothing wrong and I'm a wonderful person. It was a complete head fuck.

I know this is cruel but I want him to feel how I'm feeling.

I’m sure they are inthe honeymoon period, everyone on their best behaviour. Apparently men are much more likely to date to get over a break up. Not sure why.

He does not sound like a good catch. Have you thought about counselling? I know it’s not always easy or affordable. It sounds like you are mourning the relationship as well as getting over being badly treated. That’s a lot for anyone.

It's been three months since I had my heart broken.
And no, I haven't moved on and I'm not over it.
Buuuttt... it has got easier. I still have set backs and days where I feel my emotions to the fullest. Then I have days where I don't shed a single tear, and I'm starting to laugh (genuinely) at things again.
I have found switching my focus has helped. I started a new job at the beginning of the month. And I couldn't have had a better start. I'm happy, and I've met good people, who have made me feel worthwhile again.
I think heartbreak can be the making of a person, and I'm determined to make something of myself.

I’m sure they are inthe honeymoon period, everyone on their best behaviour. Apparently men are much more likely to date to get over a break up. Not sure why.

I agree with this. My ex husband had an affair, which is what he has done in every relationship. Not having the courage to ends things first or actually try and work on whatever is wrong, just jumping to the 'next best thing' to show him some flattery. I don't think men choose to be alone very often. I know this is a generalisation but it's one I have found to be true.
The problem with this though, is that they will keep repeating the same behaviours as they never take any time to learn from them. I think women (generally and again in my experience) take time after a painful breakup to work on themselves and reflect. I know that if/when I meet someone, I won't be taking a whole load of baggage from my marriage with me. I'm not sure my ex husband can say the same.