Opinions please. Partner moving abroad.

[Summer1994]

So I have been with my partner for nearly seven years..
He has told me recently that he wants to move abroad but with me & his mum!!
It would be like a retirement thing for her and then me and him would start a new life in a different country.
I really don't want to go. I wont know anyone and will be stuck with his mum. I have a very big family so will miss them so much if I leave but my partner only has him and his mum so its no big deal for them. Im at a loss and dont know whether to just walk away from this Relationship now as he's going to go anyway with or without me. Or do I give the whole 'abroad' situation a go?
I feel very anxious at the moment as Im in my mid twenties and probably going to start wanting a family soon but if i stay in this relationship only for it to end soon as im not going to go abroad with him..?

• or do I find someone who wants the same things as me before I get a lot older?

Ive tried talking to my partner about how I feel but he gets very defensive and we just end up arguing. I really don't know what to do and any advice would be much appreciated.

Moving abroad is bloody hard, and tests most relationships. If you are not 110% on board, I'd suggest not going.
Has any thought gone into where you might go, and how you might get (work) visas and support yourself.
Moving abroad isn't as simple as packing suitcases and starting elsewhere. Is it actually a plsn that might happen, or is it just talk?

You are so young, I thought you were going to say in your 40s, not 20s!
Anyway, I mean this kindly, but if he is going with or without you it is crystal clear he really does not care that much about you. Yes it may well be an opportunity for you for a different life, but if you have no desire to go then just let him go.
You are plenty young enough to continue with your work, friends and family over here and if you want another relationship I guarantee it will happen for you. And your next partner should love you enough to not give ultimatums for something HE wants. Sorry, but your current partner is an arse.

You’re very low on his list of priorities

Please don’t go, if you don’t want to. He’s. it worth it.

Cut your losses. Find someone who wants the same things as you.

You have a life where you are, and a large family who you say you don't want to leave. If he's happy to go without you, let him.

I have lived in three countries long-term with shorter stints in other places. I would say that you should NEVER go unless you want to. It's very hard living in another country, really difficult. And to get through it you need to be committed. A good year of feeling bad and out of your element is completely normal and it takes a lot to get through it.

There's a couple of things to consider. Are you a 'natural' traveler? Does it fill you with joy? If it doesn't, don't go. Is it a country that is very different/has a different language? This makes things very much harder. It is far away? Somewhere you can pop back for a weekend is very different to somewhere you would need flights, money and a few days.

If it's not something you're into, then don't go. I think that when it comes to moving country, you do need to want to do it, otherwise all the little hassles are going to get you down (I've moved around a lot. I quite enjoy it, but I'm 20 years older than you, and with 2 kids, and DP and I are planning to settle somewhere soon - so I'm not talking entirely out of my arse)

How far abroad is he thinking of moving? Is it even feasible? Are you allowed to live there without a job? What are the job prospects?

It might all be complete pie in the sky anyway.

I think you come way down his list of priorities- he’s going with or without you. That speaks volumes.

Unless you are 100% certain it’s for you then don’t go.

If this is a sudden decision he is simply willing to take the risk of losing you. Is he usually so controlling? It takes commitment to create a new life abroad. One which you are not ready to share. Maybe let him go and visit, but I suspect your lives are taking different paths already and you will not be part of his future there.

So if you refuse to go, he is going without you anyway!! Speaks volumes really. I'm afraid if my partner of 7 years gave me this ultimatum, (without giving any thought to my feelings), then I would have to consider relationship over.

Sounds like a nightmare.

What do you know about visas, language, laws? How often could you get home to family. What happens if you have DC then split up?

No job.

Stuck at home all day with his retired mum dependent on him for money.

He has told you he is going, with or without you. With you is a bonus for him but he wouldn't care if you didn't.

Stay home.

I moved oversea with my DP from Australia to the UK, it was a joint decision and I was happy to do it. It was still incredibly hard to be away from my home country, my family and friends (years on I still have moments of intense home sickness). It easily took a year for me to start being properly comfortable here. My DP's family is here so it was easier for him than me and he had to give me quite a lot of support to help me adjust to living here. The fact that your DP has said he's going with or without you shows that he doesn't really care about you. How much support would he realistically give you when you feel down, isolated, lonely? You will only have him and his DM to lean on if your feelings about this don't matter to him do you think your feelings when you're there will?
Think about things like time differences to your family (who you are close to), could you just pick up the phone and call home? Do you know the language? If you're not 100% sure about it, don't do it.

Nope wouldnt do it, You'll most likely end up alone 24/7 with no friends or family around, he will be working and you'll just have his mum for company All the time.. you'll have kids and you will be lonely as you will have to bring them up with no one but his mum around and maybe friends if you make any.

If you wanted to move i would say try but i honestly wouldn't even go through the hassle and if his dream of moving abroad is more important than your relationship to him then he isn't worth it anyway

God, no. He's planning his future with his mum, not you. He's said you can tag along (ie keep his mum company) - tell him thanks, but no thanks.

Is he older than you by any chance, if his dm is getting near retirement? Is having a family of your own something you have discussed? Please don't ttc while this is ongoing.

You don’t say why he wants to move abroad. The motive would be make or break for me. If it’s part of a long held desire/ plan involving work, interest in the culture, he’s visited a few times and loves it, then I might be inclined to give it a go. If the whole thing seems a bit random: dig a bit deeper to try and understand his motives. Plus I think I’d prefer it if it was a couple thing first, and if you both liked it, other family members might join in. But I’d like the process of a trial to be a 2 person thing, not be a multiplayer event!

It sounds like moving abroad has not been an idea on your horizon previously. Try and be open minded about it.

No! Why would you move abroad if it’s not something you want to do!