DH working with sort-of OW...How would you feel?

[WordsAndWorlds]

Hi, would appreciate any perspective on this please.

Been married a long time. A few years back, after many years together and having hit rather a rough patch, both DH and I were very much less than perfect. I had an affair with a co worker (predominantly emotional, but there was a physical encounter). DH also fell for his co worker and they both admitted their feelings to each other, but put a stop to things after months of light sexual innuendo / flirting.

Now I fully realise people will be screaming at their phones we should have called it a day and ended the marriage. But we both told each other everything, decided it was a symptom of how we'd neglected our relationship and agreed we wanted to save our marriage, with help of marriage counselling which we attended. Not least because we have children together.

As part of saving our relationship, I completely cut contact with my colleague (who fortunately had left the company by then anyway), asked him to block me across all social accounts etc and haven't spoken a word to him since. DH took a job within a different section of his company which meant he was no longer based where she was and promised me he wouldn't text her any more.

Fast forward a few years, DH's company want him to take a role back in the same building as her, albeit a different department (still same floor, same cantein etc though). It's a really fabulous role, exactly what DH has wanted in terms of career progression and if he doesn't take it would pretty much sabotage his career.

But even though we've very much worked on our relationship and are stronger than ever, and he absolutely assures me he only wants me, I can't help feeling awful at the thought of him being around someone he was sexually attracted to and had emotional feelings for, on a daily basis and possibly away at conferences etc together. It would be an ongoing worry. He has said he wouldn't take the role as he doesn't want to lose me but I know full well the impact on his career if he doesn't.

What would you do in this situation, and how would you feel about it? Do I just accept it as karma for the whole situation back then and pay the price for however many years he may be based in that role?

Accept it as karma and trust him. If he gets with her again, then you know where you stand and you should split up.

In my opinion, I’d rather be happy than wealthy. Settled than worried.
Sounds like your DH isn’t bothered about taking the job, so just carry on as you are.
Why invite upset into your lives if it’s unnecessary. Plus, I don’t think a career can be sabotaged by not taking one specific role, if you’re a hard worker. Other opportunities will come up.

Just my opinion though.

Argh @Santa @DBML those are the exact 2 opinions that I keep flipping between myself :P

Go with whichever makes you both happier and not with what you feel you should do.
It’s only an issue if you and your DH disagree on what you both want.
If it’s a non-issue i.e. your husband said he won’t take the job, accept that and don’t think about it again.

I turned down a job opportunity when people told me I’d never get the chance again. I have since taken and turned down the same types of ‘opportunity’ again and again. I work super hard and it’s noticed.
I don’t believe in ‘only chances’ and I don’t believe in ‘karma’.

What you are balancing is his career with (depending on how you look at it) something on a scale of "it bothering you" to "a high risk he will cheat again".

Career comes first in a situation like this for a lot of reasons - not least because if it is as you describe (fabulous role he's wanted), if you force the issue, he will seriously resent you in a way that will undermine the foundations of your relationship.

You only have one shot in life at a career (and the attendant things that brings - like financial security, self esteem, other related social network opportunities) and bad decisions can result in a life fucked up.

On the other hand, him managing to keep his cock in his pants and not cheat on you or drift into an repeat version of the emotional affair is entirely within his control. Do you trust him? I mean let's be real about this if he wanted to be continuing this with her he would have been continuing it whatever building she was in.

People move jobs all the time and rarely stay put for eternity. She may move. He may move again. I'd totally vote for accepting the situation.

I wouldn't like it though and you need to give him a big talk about you are not opposing this "with a heavy heart" and that if he fucks up you are out the door.

You may also want to set clear boundaries about what is and is not acceptable now - for example, that you do not wish to go to work events when she is there, any after work social events that involve alcohol that are optional he should not attend if she is there, if he is going on a conference with overnight stays you get to go with him - or whatever applies in your situation/how you feel.

Everyone is different. Some people live to work. Other’s work to live.

I work to live and am lucky to have a well paid job anyway, but for me, career is not the be all and end all. My DH feels the same as me...no interest in climbing ladders. But then as I said, we don’t worry about money, so perhaps can afford to have this attitude.

If something upsets one of us, we simply wouldn’t do it.

If I understand this right he called a halt before he strayed into physical affair territory. What he did wasn't great but you can trust him?

If he wanted to have a physical affair with her during the last three years, the fact they didn't happen to share a canteen would not have stopped him.

Also, she's probably over it now. It's not fresh in her mind any more.

I think he should take the role, if he wants it.

To those asking about trustability- DH is a natural liar, he does it without really thinking so I certainly would imagine he would tell me he was having 0 contact with her, whilst saying hello, possibly eating lunch in shared company etc.

Do i believe he will rekindle what they shared (if she even wanted to)? No. I don't think he'd be that stupid, and our relationship is in a very different place these days. Would I like knowing he'd probably feel jolts of nostalgia/ attraction every time he saw her and that they'd share knowing shared history glances etc whenever their paths crossed - even if he was determined not to encourage it this time? No, of course I wouldn't like it.

Could I get past that for the sake of his career and the benefits it would bring our family financially? I'm not sure, that's why I've turned to this forum to think it through. I'm willing to at least consider it.

I understand. It’s not about not trusting him now...it’s more about the memories it brings back into your day to day life.

I haven’t felt this way about my DH, but I can relate as far as another member of my family is concerned and how knowing where they are, brings sad memories back to me.

In my opinion, his taking the new role would absolutely be playing with fire. Cutting contact is the gold standard in affair recovery, and was crucial in healing your marriage.

It is probable that his being in contact with OW would reopen the wound. Certainly you would suffer anxiety, as you are now, and that is completely understandable. Why undermine the recovery of your relationship?

Your husband has weak boundaries with OW. Yes, they ‘put a stop to things,’ but cutting contact was likely crucial in halting any re-temptation. He has no idea how he would truly feel being around her daily or frequently. It is unknown how she would react to him now. It can take only one conversation for the flame to reignite.

If he is offering to stay put where he is, he should. Your marriage should have priority. You should not risk sabotaging it.

Personally, I would not live in the environment of uncertainty and anxiety that would be created. The extra money would not be worth it for me.

How do you tolerate being with a ‘natural liar?’ How can you trust him?

Just read your update. "A natural liar" puts a different slant on things tbh.

Also consider the OW’s position may well have changed. We tend to think about people from our past being frozen in time and agendas, but in reality they aren’t, of course.

The only thing you know for sure is that she still works there? She could be married (to someone else, if she was married before), she could be in love, or celibate. She could be very driven or busy in another direction- training for a hobby or caring for a relative. She may be far more serious about her work now to risk scandal. She could have a million things on her plate that don’t involve nostalgic intentions towards your DH.

Obviously your vows are with DH, and the trust needs to lie there. But if you’re weighing up probabilities, don’t assume her motivations/attractions would be what they were. ‘A few years’ can mean huge changes. For her as well as you guys.

No way from me.

Well of the two of you, OP, you’re the one who took an affair physical, not him. And you can’t be a bad liar either, if you managed to hide your affair from him (at least initially).

As PP have said, if he’d wanted to cheat with her he’d have been doing it already. I think you need to let him take the job.

His lying tendencies usually tend to be related to exaggerating rather than anything malicious....he makes everything that bit more dramatic than it really is by embellishing the truth. A family trait. And he is a 'white liar' who will lie to avoid confrontation and spare feelings....he is not generally in any way a malicious or devious liar.

As I've said, we were both very much to blame and our relationship was in a bad place where we turned to other people instead of each other. We've worked on that.

I think it's spot on that this is about the memories that would be constantly dragged up, rather than the likelihood of him actually doing anything about it again. Although as pointed out, I and he cannot possibly know for sure until he is back confronted with her. Which is scary. I would 100% never expect him to tolerate me working in same building as OM again...but then I accept that what I did was worse.