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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

People treat me like shit.

18 replies

NewSlippers · 27/01/2019 15:27

It's been a long term thing of me giving and people taking, from childhood. I know the theory behind it all, but what has helped build self esteem?

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Parthenope · 27/01/2019 15:32

You can't change other people's behaviour, but you can examine your own and ask yourself why you choose to behave like this, and what need it fulfils/fear it appeases in you.

My mother is a chronic people-pleaser, and I've realised over the decades that her self-esteem is so rock-bottom that she prefers to spend time endlessly giving to needy people (even though they exploit her and never reciprocate) because she does not see why anyone who wasn't in trouble/in a bad place/needed a favour would want her in their lives.

NewSlippers · 27/01/2019 15:38

I've been brought up to think it's nice and kind to do that though. Who else will look after needy people?

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juneau · 27/01/2019 15:41

Get some counselling OP. It's good to be kind and nice to people, but not good if you find that you're constantly being taken advantage of. You need appropriate boundaries and it sounds like you don't have them. It's okay to say no and no, you don't have to be the one to 'look after' needy people. Generally it's better if needy people learn to be more self sufficient, rather than leaning on others all the time.

Bluntness100 · 27/01/2019 15:43

Who is treating you like shit op? Of course it's good to be kind and help needy people, but you don't help people who treat you like shit.

Parthenope · 27/01/2019 15:45

But you're not happy and feel exploited. Doesn't that suggest it's time to re-examine the scripts you were brought up with? I was brought up by a chronic people-pleaser, too, remember, who was literally incapable of not answering the phone, even when she could see from caller display that it was someone who would monologue for an hour about her own affairs through dinnertime, and then not invite my mother to any of her fun events, or when it was one of her mindees' parents (she was a childminder) who was going to ask her at a few hours' notice to go and stay overnight in their house, despite having four young children of her own at home.

It's no way to live.

NewSlippers · 27/01/2019 15:47

I've done the counselling. I must give off some vibe that puts me at the bottom of the pecking order.

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showmeshoyu · 27/01/2019 15:48

Could you provide some examples please?

OMGithurts · 27/01/2019 15:48

People in need and needy people are not the same thing. The trick is to work out which a person is. The former will usually be grateful and attempt to reciprocate.

Parthenope · 27/01/2019 15:49

How does 'putting you at the bottom of the pecking order' manifest itself? Give an example of some time it happened recently and bothered you.

NewSlippers · 27/01/2019 15:55

If I don't engage with needy people, nice people are not attracted to my personality long term.

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NewSlippers · 27/01/2019 15:58

I'm not going to give examples as at least two of the needy people are on here.

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LuggsaysNotaWomen · 27/01/2019 15:59

I have been where you are.

One thing that helped me was a gradual understanding that I was the needy person and I was using other people to try and fill a hole that they had no chance of filling. Learning to meet my own needs, find and except healthy support from others in doing so has been life changing.

Understanding that whilst I have certainly been “taken advantage of” many times, it was often due to my lack of boundaries and inability to prioritize my needs.

Now the problem is always that it is circular. You don’t feel worthy of having your needs met so you don’t ask for anything or set boundaries. But because your needs are not met and people cross your boundaries, your self worth decreases.

The trick is to start acting like you have self worth even if you don’t feel it. Identify areas where your boundaries are weak and start saying no. It will feel TERRIBLE but you just have to sit with that feeling and soothe your way through it, speak to yourself as you would a small child (in fact it’s very useful to conceptualize à part of you as a small child who deserves love and comfort - it’s easier than trying to soothe the adult self who we often think should have it together). There’s no quick fix and old patterns will want to reassert themselves but the only way is to keep plugging at it.

Do you know where these patterns come from and have you had any therapy? I sort of self therapied myself with the help of some online courses, YouTube vids and a few sessions with a healer friend - it’s an ongoing process but you can do it.

As for other people? You are not helping anybody if your actions are hurting you. All you will be engaging in is co-dependant enabling of destructive patterns, always, especially when your “help” is coming from a place of need in yourself. They are better to be left to sort their own shit out, it’s far more effective and empowering anyway.

Good luck Flowers

Parthenope · 27/01/2019 16:06

That sounds like something my mother would say if she had more insight into herself. In her case I have no idea whether you operate similarly, but see if this rings a bell she is much more comfortable around people in need, because she thinks they have a use for her, whereas she is very uneasy around confident, happy people who have a handle on things, at last partly because there's no 'way in' to their lives for her, and she doesn't understand why they might just like spending time with her.

And the sad thing is that they don't.

Because, unconsciously, she simply doesn't like being around happy, confident or successful people, and is happiest in interactions when someone is in a really bad place. As I can state from my own 46 years of knowing her, it's very depressing to be interacting with someone who detectably prefers you when you are unhappy/ill/unemployed/dumped, and doesn't know what to say to you when you're fine.

Do you unconsciously give off vibes that you prefer people who need you?

LuggsaysNotaWomen · 27/01/2019 16:09

It’s not that people are repelled by your personality, it’s that people with good boundaries avoid people with poor boundaries instinctively... and you have poor boundaries.

I might seem to you that you “give” all the time but that can be a minefield for people who play a straight game. Nobody wants to feel the discomfort of feeling like you owe someone something or that your relationship is unbalanced. Once I learnt boundaries and how to receive as well as give, I found properly reciprocal relationships where I didn’t feel taken advantage of because a) I could say no if I wanted to and b) those people gave as much as me.

You’ve been taught a model of relationships that is a one way street and they never work. They only way out is to break the habit.

Bluntness100 · 27/01/2019 16:10

Could it be you are the needy person op, I mean that gently, what do you mean nice people aren't attracted to your personality? Are you saying you help needy people because then they will be your friend?

juneau · 27/01/2019 16:13

It’s not that people are repelled by your personality, it’s that people with good boundaries avoid people with poor boundaries instinctively... and you have poor boundaries.

Exactly. I would also include poor self-esteem in that, as from what you've written I assume that you don't particularly like yourself or feel you have much to offer - and those with good self-esteem will avoid you when they pick up on that.

NewSlippers · 27/01/2019 16:28

Thank you, this is all so helpful.

I've done the counselling and am wondering how everyone shifted from understanding how they are to actually making practical differences.

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NewSlippers · 27/01/2019 21:57

Parthenope. Do you unconsciously give off vibes that you prefer people who need you?. How could I tell if I do?

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