New relationship. Do you know that it's love?

[Dumbledorker101]

Hi I've only had 2 relationships in the last 13 years. One being with my ex husband of 10 years and then a boyfriend of 6 months after we divorced.

Both of them I knew straight away that I was crazy about them. They seemed perfect and with both relationships in the early stage we spent every spare minute together and I was absolutely smitten. The first few months were very intense and I remember feeling like they were my everything.
The thing is in the end both of them lied and cheated on me and it completely broke me. I've only just got over my ex boyfriend over December and I decided to turn to online dating.
I met someone who really really likes me and if anything he ticks every box that I am looking for in a man. I do really like him but I'm not having the same intense love at first sight feelings that I had with my other partners. I'm worried if I carry on this relationship that I will eventually break his heart and I don't want to be that person but I'm hoping eventually my walls will come down and I will grow to love him. He is crazy about me and treats me so well. He is extremely kind and attractive, hard working and we have so much in common. He loves everything about me that my other two partners used to make me feel embarrassed for. He accepts me for me and keeps reiterating how lucky he feels that he has got to know me. We have planned a couple more dates and on our last few dates we have been comfortable enough to hold hands and kiss and we laugh so much together. It's just this feeling deep down I have that I am worried he isn't the one if I don't have those feelings for him that I started my other relationships with. Has anyone been in the same position? Is it always like this for a while before you do fall completely for them?

Maybe you still have feelings for your ex?

Do you find him attractive? Is the initial feeling you usually feel lust?

I've looked into the feelings of love vs lust and maybe I have always put the other two past guys on a pedestal. My ex husband I have absolutely no feelings for whatsoever and I know that for certain. My ex boyfriend broke my heart in the most awful way imaginable. It's taken from April last year to fully get to the point where I want to begin dating again to find that someone. I did have feelings for him but they have been replaced by hate and if anything embarrassment that I was ever with him. He is and always has been A serial cheat. Even when he has met someone straight after our break up he has constantly been in touch with me every other month checking in and ringing me, messing with my head and feelings. Hence cheating on his girlfriend and proving to me that he hasn't changed at all. I don't want to be with someone like that and I deserve better although it's taken me a long time to get to this point I am ready to move on with someone who loves me. This guy who in seeing shows me that in a way they never have. I feel like the tables have turned though and now I'm my ex's position when they met me if that makes sense. I just don't want to carry this on and break his heart down the line if those feelings aren't the same back in time.

I would certainly give this new guy more time if he feels like a good all rounder and you’re attracted to him. I don’t think the intense, spending every spare minute together approach is healthy even though it’s very addictive at the time.

Intense full on love bombing with happy feelings in your pants doesn't make for true love and a long term relationship.

You've already experienced it twice to know.

Good decent men can be a little bit boring when you are used to intense drama relationships.

Love takes time to build and grow but it will grow into something that can last a lifetime.

I think lust & love are both easily confused yet very different

Pissedonatrain that's what I was hoping. After my councilling over the years I see now that their was alot of lovebombing and empty promises that soon turned into the addictive attraction to those men rather than them returning the same feelings towards me I spent all my time chasing that same feeling with them throughout the rest of the relationships when they clearly didn't give a shit about me anymore. This guy is so lovely and truly wants to get to know me more. I just didn't know if it was a red flag that I don't feel in love as yet because it's so different to before . I just don't want to give up now if this "normal" as I've not experienced what is normal yet. Some people were in live straight away and I've read that others weren't in love for ages but are now happily married

Give it a chance but if you're still unsure in, say a month then I'd probably end it. Ultimately you won't be happy. If he's a nice guy that's well nice but doesn't mean you have to be with him. If you force it you'll get the ick for him and feel gross.

Well we went out the other night and he had really bad garlic breath but I found it really funny in my head rather than icky because I already knew he had had a curry and nann before meeting me . It was a bit weird once we went for drinks and we were dancing to the band that was playing live. I've not been dancing with a man before but then I thought to myself that it was kind of nice I have met someone who would go out and do that with me together as a couple. Then afterwards when he was telling me how much he liked me I automatically thought icky but then surely that's what I want? After i thought about it i thought it was quite sweet but its so confusing It's like I'm only attracted to the ones who treat me like crap and now i feel like there is some thing wrong with me

Me and my now Dp were friends for around a year first and I never really looked at him like that. He was quite and kinda over shadowed by his mates I think. But we got on, had shared interests and some great conversations and had become quite close friends.

One night a little bit drunk and me having finally ended a on off thing I'd had with a bit (underestimation) of a dickhead boyfriend. We slept together and oh my god was it the best sex I'd ever had. I was seriously impressed. That definitely changed how I looked at him and we carried on sleeping together casually, still took me a while before I realised that I really liked/loved him though. One day it just clicked and I was like 'why aren't we actually going out, we're perfect for each other' he was like 'don't ask me, I've just been waiting for you to realise that'.

So for me, no that initial in love/lust thing doesn't work. My relationships that started that way always died out pretty quick and were always drama filled on and off type relationships. That said one of my best friends met her boyfriend in a bar, a few dates and they became a couple and have been together 5 years and are very much in love. She said she felt in love pretty quick and it's worked for them.

I'm glad to hear your experience as that's what I am kind of hoping for to know that it isn't just only going to work on my if there is fireworks in the beginning. We have another date tommorrow but just for lunch and I'm looking forward to seeing him again. Plus I'm always laughing at our conversations we have during texting and although I often write "LOL" I've never had someone actually make me literally laugh out loud as iv3 wrote it !

The other relationships remind me a little of another thread on here regarding limerence.. maybe you should give this guy a little time before you decide either way. Good luck Xx

It was definitely a slow burn thing for me, although not for him. He says the first time he saw me he thought 'wow' the first time we had a proper conversation he fell in love. But he's a soppy idiot and he never said a word about it to me or any of his mates although a few guessed he had a thing for me as it was apparently obvious (not to me). Even when we had a fwb thing going on he never let on his real feelings, he'd asked a few times if I wanted more but never pushed it. I think by then he knew me well enough to know I needed to get there in my own time though and pushing would have made me end things.

I do very much fancy him now though and it's not a boring relationship, well we are a bit boring at the minute but we've got a 3 month old.

That's lovely to hear. I think I just worry and think too much. I do look forward to seeing him and he makes me laugh so much . There was a few things that made me think twice about him while we were out drinking but not major things at all just little quirks he had but I want to grow to love those too. Like the garlic breath 😂 I would have been sure that if I was to be put off him then that would have done it . I just smiled though and I didn't tell him but just sat and thought bless him he's gone to such an effort for me he looked so nice and had bought me a drink for when I arrived and he hasn't a clue he has garlic breath it just made me laugh and went on to enjoy the night. I thought I would have put him off with my tipsy behaviour by the end of the night for sure. Instead he told me he liked me even more seeing me enjoy myself dancing etc.im just not used to all this . It seems strange compared to what I expected from meeting someone new. I've not been told certain things about myself before and it's things that I have always been ashamed to show .I can be myself around him.

When I got together with my partner I liked him but didn't know him so was cautious. My partner apparently fell in love the first date (I think hindsight and alcohol helped!). I really liked him but it wasn't equal ie I felt he liked me way more and was far more invested than me. About six weeks in I told him to chill and tone it down because it was too much and I felt smothered.... He was just enthusiastic and knew what he wanted. (my experience was mainly boys and not men who couldn't commit and didn't have conviction in what they wanted and would run away after professing their love so I was expecting it all over again)
However I knew I really liked him and I was falling for him so I gave it a chance.
He chilled out and and there was equality in our relationship. Within a few weeks of our chat and finally letting my guard down and trusting him I was madly in love with him and have been ever since!
He's not my usual type (obvs my type has now changed!) and a bit older than me...but the difference was he wasn't giving me lip service and everything he did and said he meant.
Unlike past boyfriends my partner is grown up and had never once messed me about.
If you think this guy is decent then just give it time. I was used to a certain type of guy so it was weird with my boyfriend to have someone so different. Sometimes you need to be surprised and go in a direction you wouldn't normally go in.
I cannot believe the chumps I dated in my past.
If only id realised the important qualities that make a healthy, happy relationship I'd have realised it takes time and sometimes a different type of Man you'd never imagine

That's so nice to hear. It's been good reading up on people who didn't fall in love at first sight and I'm starting to realise a lot of what I've felt before with my 2 ex partners were the idea of them and putting then up on a pedestal when my self worth was so low. This guy is just the kindest person and time flies by when I'm in his company. We had our 3rd date today. Just coffee on his work break. I'm seeing him again at the weekend where he will be joining me and my friends who are eager to meet him and he's looking forward to it too. Today was really nice. We just met up and naturally hugged and kissed before getting our coffee. Same when leaving. It felt really natural. The things we have in common are stupidly identical even down to our dreams for the future and bucket lists . We've messaged tonight as we have done for the last fortnight and he's put that goofy smile on my face again as always. I think when it comes down to it after I've thought it over I think the biggest thing that I'm scared of is breaking his heart. I can tell he is very much into me from the things he's said and because I haven't felt that initial spark and sudden rush of lust in the beginning I am terrified it will never come and I will be left with the responsibility of his hurt on my shoulders.

It sounds lovely OP. But I wouldn’t be thinking about love after 2 dates. Relax and go with the flow.

As regards being scared of breaking his heart. If you're not used to normal relationship boundaries here's how it works.

Things you're responsible for :
Being honest with him
Being kind and respectful
Your own feelings
Your own behaviour

Things you're not responsible for :
His feelings
His behaviour

So a typical conversation might go like this:
Him: I think you're so amazing I really want to spend all my time with you
You: wow, thanks for the compliment. I do like you, I feel like we don't know each other well enough yet, I'm really happy with seeing you twice a week just now

See how in this example you have been kind, honest and clear boundaries about what you want. If you follow these rules and his heart gets broken that is NOT your fault.

Thankyou it makes sense and I suppose your right that I'm not used to a normal relationship . I've been unfortunate to have had these two past relationships that have only taught me that I'm not worthy of love and it's something I'm working on in my councilling too.

Just enjoy it Op. It's early days and it should be fun and easy at this stage.
Hope it all works out.

When I met my DH neither of us had that wow/love/lust thing, but we weren’t looking for it at the time, he wasn’t my normal type and I wasn’t his, gradually it appeared for both of us - maybe at slightly different rates (took about 7 months to end up on the same page)!

With previous partners the love/lust thing has always faded eventually, but with DH it seems to keep growing steadily. He wasn’t what I was looking for, but turns out he was perfect for me!