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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am i being 'oversensitive'?

22 replies

StripeyChina · 27/01/2019 13:13

I sometimes get jumpy when men stand directly behind me.
I had a highly abusive childhood and it is a legacy of that.
I've had Counselling and CBT which has helped lots but sometimes I still get twitchy if an adult male 'lurks' behind me esp when I'm tired.

I get that is it MY problem. I get that inevitably men will stand behind me and I need to deal with that. I usually do so by altering my position a bit so I can see them more easily and I then feel safer which helps.

I was doing this today and this particular person then altered their own position to be directly behind me again - I altered and they shadowed me again. They then started tutting when I looked upset. I explained that I was tired and a bit twitchy today and I'd prefer it if he didn't stand directly behind me as sometimes it made me twitchy due to childhood (he knows full details).
He said it was 'impossible' not to stand behind me and that I was 'mad'.
The reason I am not sure if I am being 'oversensitive/ mad' is because it is someone I am having a difficult separation from and I wondered if that is influencing things?

OP posts:

7yo7yo · 27/01/2019 13:14

He sounds like an arse who was doing it deliberately.

Original poster

StripeyChina · 27/01/2019 13:22

If it was me, even if I DID think they were being 'oversensitive / unreasonable' about it, I'd probably suggest a cup of tea / head off home to give them some space?

I just can't see how it is constructive to call someone 'mad' even if you think they are?

OP posts:

showmeshoyu · 27/01/2019 13:25

Was this at home? Your OH or a friend?

Original poster

StripeyChina · 27/01/2019 13:30

At home (in kitchen, standing right behind me as I bend to get something out of low oven) and in a small shop (the changing position repeatedly one) Both today. He has finally taken kids out for 2 hours.
Both times exH who i am in the process of separating from.

OP posts:

showmeshoyu · 27/01/2019 13:33

He's making you uncomfortable on purpose then, clearly. Good riddance to him.

Whatdoyouknowwhenyouknownowt · 27/01/2019 13:36

He's winding you up on purpose and chipping away at your mental health.

PurpleDaisies · 27/01/2019 13:40

It sounds like he doesn’t have a clue about personal space. I wouldn’t like that at all.

Even if he thinks you are being over sensitive, why wouldn’t he stop because it’s upsetting you?

Robin2323 · 27/01/2019 13:44

It's not you. It's him.
Boundaries people !

Notwiththeseknees · 27/01/2019 14:03

Why is he in your home? When he arrives on the doorstep, bar his way, yell "Kids, shithead daddy's here & close the door.

Original poster

StripeyChina · 27/01/2019 14:13

They don't want to go to his. The separation is not yet formal.
I'm not going to make them go.
It takes some persuading for them to go out with him.
They wouldn't see him otherwise.
I'm trying to facilitate their relationship with him.
But I hate him being around. He takes liberties and knows I won't call him out on it in front of kids.

OP posts:

NotTheFordType · 27/01/2019 14:19

Why on earth are you trying to "facilitate" your DCs relationship with a sex pest?

HollowTalk · 27/01/2019 14:21

I think you should always have someone with you when you deal with him. I understand what you're going through with this as I suffered in a similar way for a long time.

cheeseislife8 · 27/01/2019 14:21

It's not you at all. Some people have no clue on boundaries or personal space. If you've asked and they ignore, that's ignorant at best

Original poster

StripeyChina · 27/01/2019 14:22

Eh? i didn't say he was a sex pest?

OP posts:

Myotherusernamewastakenagain · 27/01/2019 14:24

Where did it say he was a sex pest?

emilybrontescorsett · 27/01/2019 14:40

No it's him.

Whatdoyouknowwhenyouknownowt · 27/01/2019 14:41

If the kids don't want to go, there's a reason. They don't like him either. Listen to them...

Adversecamber22 · 27/01/2019 15:31

He is enjoying upsetting you, what a truly vile person he is. Agree he can wait outside.

RebelWitchFace · 27/01/2019 17:29

Not over sensitive at all. He knows you don't like it, he knows why, he still did it deliberately and more than once. He's an arsehole.

Hubblebubbletripletrouble · 27/01/2019 17:31

Who owns the house you’re in? Does he have a legal right to be?

Original poster

StripeyChina · 27/01/2019 17:36

Joint mortgage.
not enough to buy if we split 50:50 but might be enough to prevent benefits (ie 5-10k if lucky???)
I am disabled, Eldest has ASD. Youngest being assessed atm.
He will only 'help' re the kids if he is not in a mood with me.

Still interested re the comment above re sex?

OP posts:

category12 · 27/01/2019 17:42

If the kids aren't keen to see him, maybe you should let them lead on this. There's a reason they're not delighted to see him.

The guy is a jerk - he knows exactly what he's doing, and he's doing it to make you uncomfortable and feel threatened. And so he can then act offended and like you're being unreasonable or "mad".

Flip