How do I calm down and not ruin it?

[Lorddenning1]

Ok come out of a 9 year relationship, have 2 DS together, he has moved on and got a new GF, happy for him and my kids like her so no problem there. This was around 6 months ago.

I am struggling sometimes to be on my own, sometimes I feel a bit lost and lonely, I'm busy during the week so it's not really a problem but the weekend is the worst. Ultimately I wanted to stay on my own for a bit, work on myself and be happy on my own before I met someone else. However I have been seeing a guy for a couple of months and I'm starting to get feelings for him, I have known him for a few years and he is lovely, we started as FWB but I feel like it's now something more.
I am starting to get a little obsessed with him (not to his face thank god) but in front of my friends and family. He makes me feel good and I like being around him, and when he goes gone I feel lost and I would happily spend all weekend with him if I could. I think about him all the time and wonder what he is doing, I talk about him all the time too .
I am totally cool in front of him and don't say anything to him, but he has just left now and I'm bored and miss him already. I could do gym but I don't want to :(

Not really sure what I'm asking really, but I get the feeling I'm being dependent on him and I didn't want this, I wanted to be happy by myself but I'm totally going against what I planned. I realise this isn't a healthy way to start a new relationship and I have thought maybe he is a rebound or that I'm suffering from low self esteem. I have no idea, I want to continue to see him but I need to chill out and calm down before I spill my feelings to him and wreck it :( he is a laid back kind of guy and not one for talking about his feelings.

I have no hobbies or interest outside him, work the kids and keeping up with housework etc

Help me......

But you do have an interest - the gym, you mentioned it above. Presumably you haven't got the DCs today - go to the gym! Do something, anything, that takes your mind off him. Make a conscious effort to steer your thoughts away from what he's doing etc. You say 'feelings are developing' - you're letting them! It's not a passive thing that happens to you. If he shows any sign at all of wanting this to develop, you know what your answer will be - but until then (and even then), manage your headspace. It's under your control.

I've been in a relationship for a few months and until recently, after spending time with him and knowing it'd be a week or two before I saw him again, I would spend the day that he left really down. However, 4 months in and the last few days I've been absolutely fine. I'm starting to be me again. Really enjoying spending time with him and we speak on the phone every day but I'm fine when I'm not with him too. I think it's normal at the beginning of a relationship to feel that all consuming obsession and then you get more comfortable.

The last fee times not days.

@Walkacrossthesand thanks for your reply, Iv rang my best friend and had a talk to her and she has calmed me down now, I love the idea of being in control of my feelings, how does one do this, is it through practice or like you said in your post, train yourself to think about something else when he pops in.
The relationship is developing nicely, obviously I would like it to go faster and see him every waking hour, but at the minute it's one night a week, stay over and then the next day. We talk during the week but not all the time. Like I said he is laid back and happy with this. I'm being introduced to his friends in the next few weeks and he said he would meet my family in a couple of months, not the children yet tho. But I just need to chill out and not kill something with kindness.

@Musti
Iv been seeing him on and off for around 3 months, but solidly for the last month (I put it back on again at Christmas) hopefully I will be the same as you and be ok with him leaving. I have always jumped in fully with any new relationship and it's always been fine, this guy is different tho, he doesn't want to rush anything.

Me too and I understand exactly how you feel. However, seeing each other every now and then will keep your relationship exciting so think of the positives. When you're together you concentrate on each other and make the most of it and when you're not, you spend time with kids, working, friends etc.

Wet blanket alert.

we started as FWB but I feel like it's now something more

But that's only your feeling about the situation. not his.
you think things have changed, he might not feel the same.

Be prepared for him to want to continue as it was, FWB, no strings, casual relationship, no commitment.

this guy is different tho, he doesn't want to rush anything

Because he's not into a relationship with all that entails, all he wants is to be FWB so he can live his life with no commitments.

OP you need to take a large step back, sort out what you are fantasising about and what's actually real with your situation from both of your perspectives.

He's already spelled things out for you, if you can't accept that, then look elsewhere, this guy wants to take things very easy.

I am struggling sometimes to be on my own
Find something you enjoy doing that does not involve you being dependant on another person to create your own happiness.

I love the idea of being in control of my feelings, how does one do this
For a start, research Limerence, research Emotional Maturity, and research Locus of Control.

When I first started seeing him he said he didn't want a relationship, but the more I saw him he said he really liked me too and who knows how he will feel in 6 months time.
Since then we have gone exclusive, we double date with his mate and my sister, I'm also being introduced to his close friends in a couple of weeks and he said he will come round and meet my family, I don't want to sit down and have the conversation again, I'm letting his actions speak louder than words and so far it's all positive, Iv chilled out a bit and decided to go at his pace (he has had a rough couple of yrs) and it's working, he mentions our future together. I don't know if I'm living in a bubble, guess I will find out,

@BlankTimes - thank you for your advice, i have looked at the stuff you gave me to research and wow yeah some of it make sense, defo the Limerence thing. i would say i have a mild form of that, defo not the guy out of the program "You" on Netflix.
I have decided to take a step back like you said, this morning I woke up a little bit more clear, like something clicked into place, and this was even before I read the Limerence article. I normally see him at the weekend but next weekend i will not see him, i want some time off and to clear my head.
I dont want to depend on someone else for me to be happy and i did think i fantasized a little with this new guy. I woke up today and thought he isnt the only person in the world, yeah he is a good guy and i enjoy spending time with him, but there will be other guys out there like this too. Guess im mixed up still over being a single mum to 2 and I get lonely sometimes.