My 8 year old showing signs of depression and anxiety

[magicaltoaster]

Hi, sorry if wrong place. It is to do with my relationship with my 8 Yr old daughter, am looking for advice.

She stays with me at weekends, and her dad during the week. She has extra support at school because she was behind in certain areas, and showing signs of anxiety. She has just been discharged by the Ed pysch, but I am still noticing difficulties with her. At the moment it is a constant battle of negativity. Everything is "I hate doing that", "I hate going to school/going on the train/going outside/ having that for tea" etc. She always says she would rather die than doing anything. I can tell she's anxious still, but no matter how long I talk through what she's feeling it doesn't seem to help.

I'm now most worried about the depressive side. Me and her dad are both quite bad depressives, although we've tried hard not to make it apparent to her. I am worried obviously some has rubbed off, and some may be genetic.

It's a bit like teenager stuff, in the way that everything is a chore and she's so lethargic, but surely she is too young for hormones? She is having some troubles at school, but it's the usual sort of thing, worrying about not being popular enough, or good enough at subjects. Which I will happily talk through with her, and help her with,but I have to admit I'm running out of patience. Everything is so damn hard, and in some ways she behaves quite spoilt. She does a lot of sighing and wishing she was dead if she doesn't get her own way etc.

She has always been lovely, and is very well behaved at school, and generally obident (too much soi would say), but this phase is hrd, I don't want to get it wrong now and it have lasting consequences, but im unsure if I should be tougher or more kind about it?

Any advice please! Sorry for the length!

I have no experience of this but I didn’t want to read and run. I can understand your concern and I think you need to seek professional help

Thanks dogday.. She was seeing the ed pysch at school, but has been discharged. The basic message was that she's a bit different in some ways, and thinks alot about everything, but that she has some real talents, and is kind, do we shouldn't worry too much. She didn't really say how to deal with the constant negativity. But I might try the school again.

Or the GP?

Could try, but am not having a lot of luck getting help with my own mental head health, they have insinuated that I'm a bit of a hypochondriac. Also, would like to explore other routes before the medical route if possible.

She needs to find a passion for something, everything just seems very flat to her I think.

My DD started showing signs of anxiety at the same age - refusing to go to school, not wanting to go to anyone else's house, negative about everything. Someone on another MN thread recommended this book that gives children the tools to recognise when they're feeling anxious, what it means and how to overcome it. My DD was transformed after reading it and doing the exercises (it's like a workbook). She still has moments where she gets anxious but now she knows how to deal with it. It's given her an emotional insight other kids her age don't necessarily have (she's ten now) and it should see her through the difficult teen years. I can't recommend it enough, it's brilliant. Best money I've ever spent on my child!

What are her talents? I was just thinking that if she's good at art for example, you could take her to pottery classes or something fun at the weekends? Perhaps if she can receive lots of positive reinforcement for something she's good at, she 'll spend.less time dwelling on the negatives?

You might also find it helps you! I naturally anxious too (obviously where my DD gets it from) and since doing the book with her mine has lessened too.

Does she like the switch between parents? Can you arrange differently and see if that works?
Are there step parents involved? Is she getting enough attention?
My first thought is bullying at school.
There is generally a cause and I wouldn’t blame it on genes until you have excluded everything else.

My 9 year old DD is the exact same. She's currently in counselling in school. Although they think it's down to delayed grievance after her grandad passed away a couple years ago who she was very close with. No advice I'm afraid but I understand how you feel. I just try and be as open and honest with her as I can and make sure she knows I am here whenever she wants to speak about anything.

We use that book too.. My DS isn't keen on writing etc so we didn't do all the exercises but he liked the idea of knocking the worry monsters off his shoulders. It's worth a try.

HugeAckmansWife My DD would mime taking her worry bully by the ankle, swinging him round her head and splatting him against the window.

Thanks for the advice. That book looks great, will definitley get it for her when I have some money spare. I am also looking into a drama group for her to do on weekends (if she likes it), but money is so tight it's quite hard finding something affordable.
She does feel a bit picked on at school, I don't think people are actively mean to her, but she gets left out a bit and doesn't see herself as very popular. Have thought about going into school to check, but the ed psych (who sees her in school) seems to think there's not much to worry about.

Shes happy seeing friends on weekend, she just hates school, or anything that's any effort. I think she feels flat alot of the time, and looks for instant gratification.. I understand it because I was exactly the same at her age. But I want to help her overcome it now, as I have had problems later in life due to depression/anxiety.

I guess my main question is how to deal with her moaning and whining. Should I force and nag her to do things? Or leave her be? Should I keep being kind and listening to her worries? Or is that indulging her too much, and not doing her any favours in the long run?

With the moaning and whining, you could do one thing from the book even before you get it. When your DD has a moan or worry, she should write it down and put it in her worry. Then at the same time every day - we did ours around 5pm - you sit down with her and go through and take the time to listen. If she knows she's got "worry time" at a set time, it may lessen her whining through the rest of the day. We also stopped every activity that she didn't want to do, with the backing of her headteacher. She didn't need to be forced into stuff she didn't want to do, she needed cuddles and reassurance and to nest at home. You're not indulging her, you're taking steps to help protect her mental health.

Sorry, missed a word out!

When your DD has a moan or worry, she should write it down and put it in her worry BOX. We used a small tupperware box!