I’ve NC’d – STBXH may be lurking as he knows I’m a Mumsnet user (and often mocks me for it). I’ll try and keep this brief, without drip feeding.
H and I have been together 12 years (married for 8) and we have a 5 year old child. We live together in a mortgaged house, which we both contributed towards the deposit, but which is solely in his name.
Nothing is in my name, not the house, not the car NOTHING.
He is financially abusive. Perhaps not in the traditional sense of limiting all access to money or preventing me from working, but in the sense that he tightly controls access to the family money. We have separate accounts and he is a high earner. His salary goes into his account to which I do not have access. He pays the mortgage and most of the bills and also has a large chunk left over to spend on his leisure activities (mainly drinking).
He will give me money if I ask for it but is very put out at having to do so. He also keeps the child benefit, despite the fact that most purchases relating to DS are covered by me. He resents spending money on DS. In contrast my earning potential has fallen through the floor since having a child and I’m struggling, he very often belittles my part-time work and refuses to engage with any conversation which acknowledges that my career has been sacrificed to enable his. At one point in time I actually earned more than he did.
He is a problem drinker and this has escalated since having DS. He appears to be in a downward spiral and has become increasingly emotionally and verbally abusive, using horrible misogynistic language towards me in front of DS. If I raise it he blames me for ‘nagging him’ or ‘baiting him’. He kicks furniture, throws objects, slams doors and screams if I dare voice any objections – especially when he is hungover (which is often). He has never physically hurt me, but I think it is only a matter of time.
I gave him an ultimatum 2 weeks ago after a particularly vile outburst. Following a separate incident last week which made me feel very unsafe, I decided to leave the relationship. Packed a bag, collected DS early from school and drove 50 miles away to stay with my sister. I have been completely NC during that time.
H has made it clear on several occasions that ‘under no circumstances’ would he leave the family home. There was no point even asking him (and I didn’t want to risk any more aggressive behaviour by doing so).
DS is very unsettled here, we’re miles away from my work, his school and our lives. Last night he was in tears saying he wants to go home and misses Daddy. I desperately want to remain in the family home where he feels settled, but absolutely will not live under the same roof as H. The marriage is over and I don’t need his permission to leave.
Likewise DS loves his Daddy but has seen some horrible behaviour and I can’t allow him to grow up thinking it’s normal or acceptable.
I’m meeting with him later (not alone) and we’re going to try asking him to leave in the interest of DS. If he refuses to leave then he is effectively making us homeless as we can’t reasonably be expected to live with an abuser. I fully expect him to make life very, very difficult to punish me.
We can’t stay here permanently, there is limited room and we’re sleeping on air beds.
I just don’t know what we are going to do. Has anyone been in this situation?