Is this it?

[TerriblyMuddled]

I've read so many posts on here about men with a lack of sex drive and the advice is often to leave.
My husband appears to have zero sex drive. Since October 2016 we've had sex 4 times which I initiated each time, the last time he couldn't ejaculate so I can't face initiating it anymore, I think he'd be happy to never have sex again. He's told me he masturbates a couple of times a month which would fit with him being asexual. He refuses counselling. He knows how much it upsets me but prefers to ignore the subject rather than address it and try to move forward.
If I had money, a job and/or property Id seriously consider leaving. We're married but he's the main earner and I don't know how I'd manage to support myself on my own.
Also we have a 3 year son and I hate the thought of disrupting his life.
We get along great (as friends) and I genuinely love him, but resentment is starting to build and my self esteem is so low I doubt I'd ever find anyone else (I'm 38). I'm posting for some general advice as I just can't see the wood for the trees right now and would hate for 10-20 years to pass and wish I'd done something differently. Thanks for reading.

A job would give you more options. If he’s never going to want to have sex again and is refusing to do anything that might change things then you accept it, ask if he’d mind if you had an open relationship, or leave and try and find someone who wants what you want.

So - he stopped having sex with you once your child was born?
Was there sex before the then?

Who knows if he is asexual. It’s possible. Just like other things are possible too...
He doesn’t find you attractive.
Or, Some men have issues with seing the mother of their child as a sexual object.
Or, he is having an affair
Or, medical issues....

As he isn’t talking about it - and not trying to fix it - i’d either leave OR tell (not ask!) him you are opening up your marriage.

It's being going on in hindsight since we met 4 years ago. I think he made an effort to start but our sex life has never been 'normal' in comparison to my other relationships. I doubt he's having a physical affair, as he seems to lack self esteem when it comes to sex. At the start of our relationship he spoke to a GP and was prescribed viagra which seemed to help with the nerves of whether he'd get an erection. After using it for a month he didn't need it again, but after the first year our sex life petered out.

As he isn’t talking about it - and not trying to fix it - i’d either leave OR tell (not ask!) him you are opening up your marriage.

... This seems v sensible but I don't want to hurt him by opening the realtionship(plus this would feel v difficult when caring for a toddler full time), am terrified of leaving and missing the companionship, but agree something has to give.

We NEED a Frank discussion but he just ignores the issue hoping it will go away. I need to push it, I recognise that.

Thanks for the advice

Have you tried sexual therapy/couples counselling?

You're far too young to put up with this for the rest of your life

OP - it’s unlikely anywhere will change with or without conversations.
It’s been too long, and clearly it doesn’t bother him.
If he were a woman tying here they that she lost her drive - she’d get sympathy and assurances that it’s her body and her right to feel how she feels.
Same about him. His body. His right not to be forced to take pills, if HE doesn’t feel the need.

So - your other choices are - just accept it as is, and buy a rabbit.
Or - find an understanding friend in similar situation. As some/many people do.

Most people are like you - they don’t want a confrontation and a discussion about an open relationship isn’t easy. Even if it is a ‘right thing to do’.

OP, he is what he is.

If he doesn't see it as a problem then you need to make a choice for your own life.

If I were you, I'd go back to work. It would provide options financially, and may build your confidence, self-esteem and allow you to grow a social network.

You're only 38 - people often start again at that age. I ditched my dh at 42 and my life is a whole lot better, and there are blokes available. You only get one shot at life.

OP
This was me ten year (or more) ago
Sex stopped pretty much altogether, and when it did happen it was strange and half hearted and not worth it.
We got on well 'as friends' and had a dd who was only 4 at the time so I just couldn't go through with a divorce, I kept telling myself that I'd never firm anyone else in my thirties and with a child etc etc
Fast toward two years ago. I discovered he was Bing unfaithful, and had been for many years. I left him, and our teenage dd went with him!
I was totally heartbroken and tbh suicidal at some points.
Now, I am in my forties, divorced, I am with the most amazing man and we have both been stuck in unhappy marriages for too many years and we really appreciate each other and I can honestly say I've never been happier. Hayes my dd may have gone with her dad but I know she will grow up and come back to me when she is more mature and can work things out as an adult rather than a selfish teenager.
I truly wish I'd left him all owe years ago, I would've has time to have another child which I'm too old for now and a lot less damage would've been done.
Get out now and start living your life.
Nobody cares about you as much as you can care about yourself .... That's one lesson I've learned !

We spoke last night, he's going to look into Couples (sex) counselling. I think he was quite shocked that I said I don't want a relationship without sex, I'm only 38! I suspect he'll hope I'll leave it and he can brush it under the carpet he's got a month unbeknownst to him to take action. The thought of splitting up is so so terrifying, my poor son worships him

There's no point in setting a deadline in your mind and not telling him about it, you are just setting yourselves up to fail.

You are expecting him to open up and be honest about all of this, so you need to be honest about your strength of feeling too.

Lots of people seem to say that ultimatums in this situation cause the frequency of intimacy and sex to pick right up before tapering off again later, so be aware that it's the communication that needs to fundamentally change, as it is the root cause. Long term change is the goal, so don't get duped by a short term improvement.