Should I send letter

[Sweetcharity69]

I discovered a few months ago that my husband was having an emotional affair. It had been going on for at least a year. He denies they ever slept together, although some of their texts were sexual in nature. However, there was no definite evidence they had taken things further. But I am going crazy not knowing the truth. I have written a letter to ow. It is a short letter, with no bitterness or recrimination in it. I also say whether I get a reply or not, I will not contact her again. Of course, she may not reply, or she may lie, but I don't know how else I can move forward. She I send this letter?

What makes you think you'll trust in what she tells you?

Yes, she certainly could lie. But she may just tell the truth. I doubt she would lie that she had slept with him if she hadn't

I agree with Galatic. You're not going to gain much from sending this letter, least if all the truth.

I'm going though the same as you, I only have his word. All you can do is trust him and believe that he is telling the truth... easier said than done!

But you don't trust your husband, why would you trust her to tell the truth?

It won't give you closure. You need to decide if you can move forward never knowing the truth for sure.

All you can do is trust him and believe that he is telling the truth...

No, you (both) have choices. The decision is in your hands how to move forward, remember you are in control of what happens next.

I think it would be a disastrous move to do it.

I doubt that she’ll reply. Although she may try to contact your husband and let him know about your letter.

I’m sorry this is happening to you.

Why disastrous? It might be futile. But disastrous?

Of course she could lie and say she's slept with him when she's not, she may wish to split you up, or she may wish to protect him and lie and say she didn't when she did.

Don't send the letter, you will be no closer to the truth.

But disastrous

Does your husband know you wish to send the letter? If not why not?

What do you want to get from sending the letter? She doesnt care he is married, so dont expect an apology. She has nothing to gain from replying to you.

Are you basing your marriage on her reply? If she confirms emotional affair, you stay married? If she confrms sexual affair, you divorce? You already know he is a liar who doesnt put his family before his sexual wants. Are you happy for him to have more affairs?

Just think about what you want to achieve.

If you're having trouble believing your H, I think you may need to think about how you are going to stay with him.

Writing to the OW won't help you to know the truth and it won't help you to live with your H.

I wouldn't send it to her.
Write letter you really want to write, telling her exactly how you feel about her. Then burn it.

((Hug))

Don’t do it. Really, just don’t do it. I, unfortunately, get exactly how you feel. I was much younger at the time and it was slightly different in that I knew her, but no matter what she says, you won’t believe her, you’ll create a lovely gap in your relationship for her to slip into and you’ll be no better off.

I’ve done some fucking stupid things in my life, but that’s one of the very few things I regret. It’s certainly the most debasing thing I’ve done.

I KNOW it eats at you and you just feel you need to know, but honestly, you will feel worse afterwards, not better.

Many years on from that (and him) there’s no way I’d put myself through the absolute fucking hell I put myself through for a couple of years, it was FAR worse than finding out about it. These days there’d be NO going back. Cheat on me and you’re gone and I absolutely mean it. It would break my heart and I’d want to try to ‘fix it’ but I’d be strong and do what I know I’d need to do.

What exactly are you hoping to get out of this a year on?

I have had an EA with a married man. I would not reply. Unless it ended very badly, her loyalty is with him, not you.

I would write the letter and then destroy it. It might help you make sense of your feelings if you write them down.

Don’t you trust your husbands version of events?

I'd forget about her and work out what you're going to do about him. He had an EA and you don't trust him - nothing the OW says will alter that really.

When I was a young student, I had an affair with a married man. It was very messy but to my knowledge his wife did not find out the full details of what happened. This is about 20 years ago. The wife certainly found text messages which were of a sexual nature and which detailed rows between me and the married man. I heard on the grape vine that since then, the married man has had another affair which was much longer and intense than what we had.

If the wife had contacted me at the time, I would have protected the married man, and told her that nothing had happened etc. These lies would not have been through loyalty to him - I would have placated her because I actually did not want a full-blown relationship with the married man, and actually did not want him to lose her or the young children. It was only a FWB arrangement from my perspective.

If the wife contacted me now to ask for details of what happened, I think I would tell her everything, if I could guarantee the married man would not come after me seeking revenge. He is now very high up and we are in the same profession.

So I guess, that's it, unless you know this woman very well indeed, there is no benefit to begained in writing to her, none what's so ever.