Please talk me down, I know iabu....

[dragonflyflew]

Hey! I’ve been ‘seeing’ this guy since November. We met OLD late summer and I turned him down because of our geographical mismatch! We carried on chatting anyway as we got on, shared dating stories as well as general chitchat.
Fast forward to November, he was coming to my town so we met for a coffee and hit it off and have been seeing each other ever since. It’s been very casual, lots of fun dates and brilliant sex, in pretty much constant contact when not together. Lately there’s been a bit of a shift and it’s clear we both realllike each other although neither of us have said anything about a commitment to each other.
I have really enjoyed the semi casual thing and it’s been great having my freedoms and no relationship anxiety etc but we are starting to say we miss each other etc. we always have a brilliant time together. I know I could easily live without him but at the same time I really get a lot from him being in my life.
So this is where I’m getting weird in my head and want some help to apply logic.
He is on good terms with all his ex girlfriends. One of his very recent exes is one of his best friends. They see each other a lot. We haven’t met each other’s friends really although when he comes to my small town we bump into many people I know. He lives in a big city so it’s not happened yet.
Before we met he planned a big trip with said ex and lots of other friends,mainly women, they’re all going away together for a couple of big events over a weekend and all staying together in one big room. This happened on nye too but we were much more casual then so I dint give it much thought.
I have been with him when he’s been on the phone to these women, planning, finalizing deets etc. it sounds awesome and isn’t for a couple of months. I completely understand why he wouldn’t invite me, we’ve been casual,his friends are hosting,one of the girls he’s going with doesn’t know any of the others except for him plus he’ll be traveling there with his ex.
I just feel weird about it, a bit jealous and also a bit childish. It is hard for me to talk to him about it as I have no ‘rights’ as#u h and I don’t want to make things awkward by snarky comments or asking for reassurance as he’s not actually my partner.
Ergo, I have come here instead, please advise as I don’t want it to become a ‘thing’ in my head.

Excuse numerous weird typos. His friends are not hosting, he’s the common denominator in the group.

In the course of getting to know him you have found out that he is very good friends with his exes. This might not be a problem for a lot of people but it seems to be for you. I suspect he will continue with these friendships and that you need to accept that or move on.

There is a good possibility that his relationships don’t go very deep and that is why he maintains friendships. There is a good possibility that at least one of these relationships isn’t over for one of them. There is a good possibility that you are falling for someone who is not a practical option due to distance and lifestyle.

Can you enjoy things as they are or do you want him to change? The first is ok, the second risks disappointments and pain.

lemontt thank you for your thoughtful Reply. I'd definitely have to accept the friendships, there's no other option.
I can accept that,. I think it's more the weekend away, hearing a room etc, travelling up together, it's husthim andhis ex coming from same place, everyone else is meeting them from elsewhere... I don't know, its actually none of my business...I wasn't expecting to feel all ego bruised
about it and I know it's insecurity and pride. I'm sure if we were to stay together he wouldn't arrange any other events like this without inviting me too. This stage of a ' relationship' is a weird hinterland. I have upcoming events with friends which I have considered inviting him too but I wanted to see how we get on first.
It's v clear with this event I'm not invited, deposits are being paid etc...
I just want to know how to deal with it irhlw toputon a brave face (stay cool honeybunny) and ride it through until after the event (which is actually in march so I have plenty of time to make it into a huge drama in my head

I'd never ask him to change btw.i like him for who he is.

God. Typos abound!

Shamelessly bumping for more advice!
Should I say anything about my insecurities or in light of our semi casual status is it better just to end it or hide my feelings?
I don't do dishonesty very well, hiding my feelings just makes me anxious hence venting on here.

Are you exclusive or still dating other people? Maybe you need to have the conversation about the nature of your relationship x

I always advocate being open about how you're feeling. If he can't handle that kind of openness, the relationship was never going to work anyway.

Equalityumber we've not had 'the chat' but have both talked about how compatible we are and how it's nice not to be chatting to randoms on the net anymore! We've talked a lot about stuff we've got to look forward to...

But if it’s a bunch of them all in one room it’s very unlikely they’re going to get up to anything is it? Unless it’s some sort of Roman orgy style setup.

I’d be more worried if they all had separate rooms - much more chance of something happening when there’s privacy.

AFistfulofDolores1 very true. We talk about everything. So it'd be interesting to see how he'd respond to this which would be 'our' first challenge. I've just got to work out how to say it without sounding like I'm controlling or giving ultimatums which I wouldn't do. I don't even know what I'd want from his response
This particular ex they've been together then split and then got back together again. They were certainly together in 2018 so it feels like not enough time has passed for them to have moved comfortably into friends mode from exes (in my eyes)

Changedname3456 they do sound quite wild and other parties he's told me about certainly sounded very debauched. I'm not averse to a wild time but maybe not to their standards.

Sounds to me like you are ready to have the chat with him and as part of that maybe ask if you can be exclusive and meet his friends?

The debauched parties and being friends with exes do sound a bit dodgy

If they're both been drinking they could easily fall back together, has the most recent ex got a new partner ?

Maybe you say just that to him, dragonfly - i.e. you tell him how you're feeling, that you're not issuing an ultimatum and your intention is not to come across as controlling, and that you're not even sure what you want - just that you had to tell him.

That puts the ball firmly in his court.

Is he still on old sites? Or have you had a conversation about coming off them?

Thank you all for responses. I have no idea if he's still on old sites. He said he's happy not to be doing it anymore, we both said that but neither has said whether we're still on or not. I'm still on the site but have not used it for months , just haven't got around to logging on and deleting profile.
BigChris I've no idea if she has a new partner. The guy I'm seeing has been round to hers a few times and out with her since we started seeing each other, most recently to help her with something and she cooked him dinner. He was upfront about it and when he left about 9pm we were chatting for the rest of the night.
I never ask about her as he's made it very clear that they're good friends. At first I wasn't really interested so I would feel weird if I brought her up now!

AFistfulofDolores1 that sounds very reasonable!

I don't think it's necessarily anything to worry about. They're exes after all. Lots of people stay friends with exes and actually I think it's the ones that you have the least feelings for that you are most likely to stay friends with.

I'm not even sure I agree with the suggestion of talking to him about it TBH. If I was friends with a few exes and a new BF said they felt weird about it I think it would be a bit bemused. You're all grown ups so this really shouldn't be an issue.

Funny story related to this - when first going out with my now DH we went for a weekend away with a bunch of friends including one of my exes and his new GF. When going to bed one evening I asked my BF in front of the whole group if he was coming or staying up. Except I called him my ex's name. That was cringey and now-DH could easily have had a wobble. Except he knew I liked him and had no continuing interest in my ex so he wasn't fussed. Hope that eases your worries a bit.

TheChineseChicken that's really sweet thank you. Funny story too. yes I agree re bringing it up, I can't think of any way it wouldn't sound possessive or controling. I guess it's down to me to decide if I can deal with it in my head or not.