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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DP always comes home from work criticising me

19 replies

earlycomputers · 02/07/2007 10:48

My DP when he's been out of the house for any length of time (2 hours to 2 days) will always return to the house and seemingly looks for problems to criticise me for or complain about. Does anyone else have this problem and what do you do about it? He cant come in and have dinner and relax a bit - it's almost like he cant settle down until he's cleaned the sink or checked the state of how clean the fridge is, or whether a certain bill has been paid, or whether the cobwebs off the ceiling have been hoovered etc etc. He doesn't really do this when he's been at home for a while - only when he's left the house and then comes back again. I could have spent all day cleaning and tidying - bit there will always be something he has to pick up on (my car not parked properly, the food I have cooked, a single toy I may not have put away in a toy box etc etc).
I have always been the same throughout the 15 years I have been with him - and if anything have got much more tidyer/conscientious since having had kids.
Any advice?

OP posts:

SweetyDarling · 02/07/2007 10:51

What have you said to him about this habit?

elesbelles · 02/07/2007 10:54

i really wouldnt make an issue of it with him tbh. tell him to do it himself. afterall, if he likes it a certain way only he can do it! treat him like a toddler having a tantrum..ignore it!

MrsBadger · 02/07/2007 10:56

Sounds like it's his way of asserting his authority / taking possession of the house when he gets in, to stop the house being all Yours.

If it hasn't bothered you for the last 15yrs is it really worth making an issue of it now?

Brangelina · 02/07/2007 10:59

My DP has moments like this, usually coinciding with a full moon . I just tell him:
1- to do it himself if it bothers him so much, or
2- pay for a cleaner, or
3- get a life as there are much more important things in the world to worry about (ie. global warming, third world poverty etc. etc. etc.)

I sometimes resort to reminding him who earns what in our house but only when he's really winding me up. I don't know if any of this is of any help to you, what do you say when he criticises?

Tinkerbel5 · 02/07/2007 11:02

earlycomputers do you have an ipod ? when he is due home from work put your earphones in and when he's talking (criticising you) just nod and say yes dear

choosyfloosy · 02/07/2007 11:05

I must say that I have always asked my partners to make sure that the first thing they say when they are through the door is pleasant, however furious they are with me. Once they have greeted me nicely (and the same goes for me) we can then talk about whatever heinous crime I have committed. I recommend this.

And just because it's been going on for 15 years doesn't mean you can't raise it now. I do think when you are at home and if childcare/house stuff becomes more your job, then you can 'feel' this sort of nagging much more personally.

Original poster

earlycomputers · 02/07/2007 11:10

he just nags and nags and says I dont listen. It has only been a recent (last couple of years) thing. I am getting really fed up with it. I would probably listen more if he mentioned stuff at a different time (rather than whenever he comes in through the door). But I have told him all this and it doesn't make any difference - he may bottle it all up and then mention everything that annoys him later on. And then the next day revert to criticising when he gets through the door. I am not slovenly, lazy or unduly messy and I am getting stressed out with feeling as if I am on a military inspection when he comes home. And yes I have told him to get a life and / or a cleaner but to no avail!

OP posts:

elasticbandstand · 02/07/2007 11:25

why not cut him short.. moan to him aobut bills, mess or something?
other than that i don't know.. go out as soon as he comes in?

Tortington · 02/07/2007 11:34

my first response is to tell him to fuck off.

just sit there and when he moand say " oh DO fuck off"

more constructivley - he sounds obsessed - likethe julie whatsit film -he hs to checkt he fridge is clean? tats fucking bizzarrooo man, well, well, strange. sounds like he needs help. if he needs professional help telling him to fuck off isn't goingt o solve anything.

Original poster

earlycomputers · 02/07/2007 11:40

I think it is a control thing rather than anything specific, as you suggested. Not being in the house when he comes home is tempting but mostly not practical as I have 2 young kids to care for and it wouldn't be possible for us all to leave the house at a moments notice - especially in the evening when I have to do the bath/bedtime etc.
I did think about turning the tables on him and being the nagging housewife but to be honest I just cant seem to think of enough petty things to complain about. I dont like nagging or complaining - especially when the other half has just walked through the door. I dont think this would set a good example to the kids either. And would it solve anything - i think it would lead to bad feeling alround. I need to know why he basically needs to control whenever he comes home.

OP posts:

MrsBadger · 02/07/2007 11:42

my guess is because he either he feels out of control in other areas of his life (stressful job? shit boss?) and home is the only place he can exert his authority
or her has absolute control over every other area of his life and it bothers him that you're the one in control of the house.

Ask him?

HappyDaddy · 02/07/2007 12:21

My advice would be to say "well you do it then". If it really bothers him, he will, if not he wont.

Original poster

earlycomputers · 02/07/2007 12:45

He will do it - even if I offer to do it, because he thinks he can do it better than me. He will just carry on nagging about stuff anyway - as I said before - the house could be in a near perfect state but he will find something to complain about.

OP posts:

woopsadaisy · 02/07/2007 12:58

sounds like he is always trying to point out that your lacking, in whatever small way he can to try and keep you down a peg or something!

i think its much more than just about being tidy/clean he is trying to purposly fing a mistake that you have made and then point it out to you which i dont think is very nice!

charliecat · 02/07/2007 13:01

I had this problem till about 6 weeks ago, when I asked dp to move out. hes now XP. He was walking in the door and making me miserable.
No longer.

HappyDaddy · 02/07/2007 13:08

If did that to my DW i'd instantly be told to go forth and multiply.

SweetyDarling · 02/07/2007 13:15

I would tell him to walk back out of the door and not come in again until he has adjusted his attitude.

krang · 02/07/2007 13:58

If he will always find something to complain about, what you do will never be good enough. So if I were you I'd stop even trying, do what you like, and if he doesn't like it then he can do whatever needs doing while you put your feet up and have a nice glass of wine, while saying "Mmmmm," as he whines away like a bothersome mosquito.

FlossALump · 02/07/2007 14:02

My DP is pretty much exactly the same. I find it definitely relates to stress. Some times are better than others. Can't really give you and advice. I just mostly try to let it wash over me and let him get himself rilled, after all it is only him then who suffers with it. I've not been well and this morning he told me to put my feet up and not do anything - but that won't include the washing up...

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