How much longer should I keep being unhappy for?

[Giraffeinatree]

A quick background, I met DP when I came travelling to his country on my gap year 4 years ago and I have been living here with him for about 2 years.

I'm not happy, with the life I have here anymore, with where we now live and I don't love him anymore, I rarely enjoy spending time with him or his family, some of his friends are nice but we don't see them often since we moved. I spend most days with a fake smile fixed to my face, pretending that everything is okay. For a while now, at least 6 months, maybe longer, I have been telling myself to go home but I can't. Early last year he started a business that has become the best part about my life. I love managing it and the day to day requirements of running it, and it really has the potential to become a big success. If it was not for this business I would not still be here, I have no doubt about that.

But I don't know how much longer I can keep living a home life I don't enjoy, I have set myself targets that I want the business to achieve so I have something substantial to put on my CV when I come home, but they could take anywhere between 6 to 18 months to achieve, right now I don't think the figures look impressive enough to be taken seriously by anyone. My self confidence needs the boost as well that I am capable of achieving something great, if I left now I think I would feel like I failed.

Also stopping me from booking a flight home is I have no idea what I would do when I get back, I think I wouldn't be able to do what I do here due to a couple of reasons I won't bore you with, and I'm pretty sure no one would hire me in the business world as I have no relevant qualifications and I have just been figuring this out as I've been going along. I only have my okay but not great A Levels. I would also need qualifications back home for the work I was doing here before we started the business, and I don't want to go back to the job I was doing after returning from travelling and before coming back here. I have lost contact with most of my friends back home, and the ones I see when I visit home I have realized we have become very different people, it's the friends who have moved away that I still enjoy seeing and talking to.

Last month I got my visa renewal, I was sitting in the waiting room hoping so much that it had been declined as that would have made the decision I don't feel brave enough to make yet, but it was renewed.

I also feel like such a shit person for only thinking of myself in all of this and stringing him along, but I've lost count now the number of times that he has asked me something along the lines of 'why are you still here if ...' or 'why are you still with me?' He knows, I'm sure he does.

I don't know why I am writing this other than the fact I can't tell anyone in real life how I feel and I need to get it out, my friends and family back home would tell me to come home now and most likely not understand my reasons that are stopping me and keeping me here, and my very few friends here all know me because of DP, it would definitely get back to him somehow if I spoke to any of them about it, then I am sure he would pack my bags for me.

Sorry, I didn't mean for it to be so long.

Go home.

If you accidentally start a family with this man, you could be trapped there for the next 18 years or more.

Could your family put you up while you pursue the qualifications you need?

Could you get a student loan and start a course so you could have your dream job in your home country?

Don't stay in s relationship you hate for a job you love. You will not find true happiness on this, IMHO.

Could you start looking and applying for jobs now? Or courses? Could you filter things through a UK addtess?

Can you be honest with your partner now and split amicably?

Sorry so many questions.

Is there somewhere you can stay if you moved out? Are you legally employed so he cannot sack you? If not I'd address this first if it is important to you.

Otherwise I'd just go. Assuming you can stay somewhere once home.

You will probably need to leave relatively amicably if your partner would be the one writing yoir reference.

Good luck.

Don't know if I missed this in your post, but do you and DP have the kind of relationship where you could break up but keep working together until you feel ready to go? It doesn't sound like you really want to go home but are sure you want to break up. Does the one have to come with the other. And what about moving to a third place?

I've lost count now the number of times that he has asked me something along the lines of 'why are you still here if ...' or 'why are you still with me?' He knows, I'm sure he does.

Wow. Really?

NottheFordtype
Nasty....

Just LEAVE. Honestly, you are wasting so much precious time. Your life back home will work itself out, I promise.

Agree with meiisme, if you want to stay can you stay without your partner and start a new life where you are?

Just go home OP. Deep down you're not happy and how long do you want to carry on being this unhappy person? At least you've been there, done that and the outcome at the moment, well, speaks for itself.
About your qualification worries, I'm sure there are loads of short courses that relate to your line of interest that you can get certification for. Combine it with your practical experience, include them in your CV and you're on your way to gradually getting there.

You can stay unhappy for your whole life if you want, OP.

But why wouldn't you want to stop being unhappy as soon as possible?

Thank you, what you have all said is what I think I needed to hear, except Notthefordtype, but yes, really!!!

I would be able to move back to my parents when I go home and I know they would support me while I got myself back on my feet.

I have taken the first step and paid for an online course in an area which I think I would enjoy and I can definitely fill my CV with relevant transferable skills from what I am doing now.

The idea of living here separate from him doesn't feel like an option. To be honest he knows very little of what I actually do for this business, he just sees it getting done but is never interested when I ask his opinion or for advice, I would be amazed if he manages to keep it going without me. I would probably give some of my clients as references, if that would be allowed?

I'll probably remain unhappy for a little while longer just to see the business grow a little bit more, but I'm going to set my self the target of leaving here by Easter, wow that just gave me butterflies in my tummy writing that, but good butterflies.

Glad you’ve decided to go home, life is too short to live like you are.

I have to add also that you’re sure he knows, so you must be lying to him that you still love him etc. Thats really very unfair on him so if you do need another reason to leave, that should be it.

What’s your link to the business? You are massively invested in it (time wise, mentally, emotionally). So you are a part-owner? You have shares in it? If not, you are just an employee but basing big life decisions on this business that you own nothing in? You are also helping to grow a business that is owned by somebody else. Never ever do that! There have been threads on here before from women who have helped a man grow a business with no shares in it and then they’ve ended up with nothing when the relationship ended. That doesn’t make sense. What makes sense is to get yourself secure. Protect yourself and get out while you’re still young! Your gap year has turned into a strange relationship drama and lasted many more years than it should. If you love this business then that’s showing you something. Your gap year (years) has shown you that running a business is what you should be aiming for but one that you have shares in? So why don’t you come home and get trained up. Go to uni and do business management or something along those lines. Apply now for starting this September. You aren’t happy where you are so be brave and make a change.

Well done for setting a target OP. I hope all goes well for you.

Hope it goes well OP.

Onward and upward. It's a bit weird here at the moment , but it'll pass.