I should feel free but I’m just miserable

[Elliebellybum]

My moaning on here is becoming regular, left my DH after a domestic incident a couple of months ago, was a SAHM, now facing at least a spell on benefits (yay! Universal Credit) ex making life hard, promising the world if I come back, but delivering nothing etc, etc.

I thought getting away from his control would be the making of me, but frankly, I’m just miserable and lonely.

I’m constantly stressed about money, terrified of UC and the control it gives the Government over my life (after just having left a controlling situation I feel like I’m going to be in the same shit different situation)

I feel like I’m a pain to friends with my moaning and I’m not the funny, happy go lucky person I was. I can’t sleep, I’ve lost weight, I’m shattered and I feel about 100.

I feel like I’m withdrawing from everyone because I don’t feel like me anymore now. Even when I was with my ex I had long periods of feeling happy and hopeful, now I don’t feel that at all.

I sit googling shit about Universal Credits and scare myself shitless, I’m scared of the future, of my life, of getting back into the workforce, of waking up and realising I should have gone back and tried again.

I’m lonely in the evening, I seem to have lost all my fight to do anything.

I need to divorce him, but I can’t quite face doing it. I know I should, I know I need the settlement I will get to start again, but I can’t, I’m scared to start it because when I do that’s it, no turning back, no “us” anymore, I will be divorced.

Don’t even know what I’m trying to say.

I don’t love him, but I’m jealous that he’s probably moving on and I find the thought of him with someone else at some point horrible.

I’m tired with the kids, tired of the responsibility on me, tired of his family making excuses for what he did (it’s my fault dontcha know), tired of the fact he got off unscathed and the whole shit pie has hit me in the face.

Does anyone get what I mean here?

I’m sat here in tears again. It solves nothing, but it’s all I seem able to do anymore.

I understand where you're coming from, and think you've been brave. I'm guessing that there are lots of women stuck in miserable situations simply because they're scared of the alternative. You haven't chosen ann easy path, but I'm sure, in the ling run, that you'll be happier for it.

an ,long

Hi,

Bless you, I am in a totally different situation but can feel your heartache.

The longer you delay the divorce the longer you will be in limbo.

Are you going to go back to someone you don't love for the sake of jealousy?

You can only start again once you stop procrastinating and have some conviction is your decision.

Rip the plaster off..

*in your decision

I am 7 months down the line. I have felt EXACTLY what you describe and occasionally still do but I didn’t want my dc witnessing violence and thinking it was ok. It does get easier, take 1 day at a time for you. Keep being brave

I think when I left, which was horrific because it wasn’t a planned thing, i left with the kids after the assault and we just never went home again, I never really thought it was going to end up like this.

I think I thought he would do this thing this big gesture that showed me he had changed or that it was all a misunderstanding or that the misgivings I had about how he was to me for years would all be wrong.
I spent so long sitting during the bad behaviour thinking “this can’t be right, this isn’t how my friends husbands behave” but then it would suddenly stop and I’d think “maybe it wasn’t that bad” or that maybe I had just over egged it in my head, and his reasoning was always so plausible that I ended up doubting myself and what had happened.
So I expected the same to happen and frankly for me to eventually return and make excuses and carry on again. I know that’s going to get me a verbal bashing, but that’s how my life has been.

But somehow he didn’t convince me, and verbally the declarations of love flowed, but spite of money started and trying to control the situation from afar started, and me starting to doubt myself started, and suddenly I feel backed into a corner, him saying we need to try again, we owe it to the kids and the rest of the world yelling at me to get on and divorce him.

Hello
I feel like you do
Pretty much all you said
But I left mine 6 months ago

I don't know what the answer is

Reality is sinking in and it's painful. Grief, fear and sadness can hit at the same time but it really doesn't last forever.

I left Ex after an incident and like you hoped that it would be the wake up call but it didn't come..That's when I faced reality of single parenthood and all the financial stresses.

What helped was a journal of the incidents as often my mind went back to the happier times. It kept me on course. Does he contribute anything now? If not a solicitor can help to get interim order so you don't feel so vulnerable.

I know the financial fear is scary but facing it does make it easier. Can CAB help?,My mantra was I would be able to rebuild so I just had to have faith and hope. I am happier now although definitely much poorer. It is amazing how you adjust.

I wish you well and hope you have family support.

He’s not contributing anything. He holds money over my head, and if I go to the CDA he will leave his job (on paper, it’s a family business) and work cash, so it’s a pointless exercise.

My solicitor said we could probably get a lump sum for maintenance pending suit, but she reiterated until I start the divorce I’m kind of out on a limb really

You need to stop doubting your ability to go it alone..

Getting over this won't happen over night, but it's important that you take steps in the right direction.

There is no 'us' in this situation; there is you and an abuser.

If you know you want to go back there then ultimately that's your decision, but you know what's in store if you do.

You've spent years being controlled and now you have the reigns and panic...makes sense...but..

Are you prepared to keep going through this for the rest of your life for the sake of temporary insecurity and jealousy?

...That's what you need to ask yourself

It’s not that I doubt my ability, as such, it’s more the shock of everything landing on me.

I don’t have a job, I had savings, but in the world of renting that doesn’t matter, and in this area they want you to earn 40k to rent, so even if I had had a job it would have been tough, so it took weeks and weeks to arrange what I thought would be the easy part.

We’ve been stuck miles away temporarily since we left, and the kids hate it.

I can’t understand the Universal Credit system (tax credits a lot more straightforward) but I understand it enough to know it’s going to add to my stress.

I’m running out of money, I’ve had to replace most of our stuff to rent.

I’m panicking over jobs as mentally I’m fucked at the moment and couldn’t imagine finding and holding a job down right now (you do get a break from job search requirements in DV and I can totally get why that is now)

I’ve left a controlling situation and got the reins undoubtedly, but it’s not a gentle hold of the reins, it’s like I’ve been tied into this berserk, bucking horse and been told “there you go! Ride it”

If you get me??

My God you write well. You feel competent. You feel panicked. You know you will feel shit if you go back to him. So you progress, as you are doing. Start the divorce, start job hunting. Things will get better, and worse, but your life will be moving forward. You are good, you can do this.

So the horse is going berserk, bucking and trying to throw you off....it's hard to stay on because you've never been on a horse. BUT who is that horse to tell you what you can and cant do. You have already been through a traumatic time, keeping things together for the sake of the kids, making excuses, being controlled, leaving the only thing u knew behind. YOU'VE done that, you have found the courage, strength and determination to better your situation and that is commendable. You can do this, it's not going to be easy but it will be worth it. Grab the reigns tighter, believe in yourself, do it for the kids and your confidence will grow. Don't get in a routine of not trying at something because you already feel defeated. Quickest way to fail is not to try. Good luck, take care. Your not alone. 

Hey OP. I have not been in your situation. I have been skint and scared and a single parent though. What made things better for me was getting a job. When that happens for you it will be better. Try and ride out this hard bit and things will get better. You ex sounds like a prick - what kind of man hides his money so his kids struggle?
Its a journey, keep moving forwards. You can go back to him if you want, do you want to? Hope would it play out? I am so sorry you are in a shit situation. You don't deserve it. Any support groups around???

No, I don’t think I want to go back.
I just want an end to the unrelenting shit of the last couple of months.

I don’t really miss him, but I miss us or at least the us that there was when things were good. I miss having someone to share the load with.
I don’t miss lots of aspects of our relationship, but I do miss the security I had.
He was a funny one with finances and felt it was all his, which is certainly the case now, but financially I felt a lot more secure.

I was going to go back to part time work in September originally, but that wasn’t urgent and I had the luxury of waiting for the right job, now I just need a term time job and fairly quickly.

I feel like a lot of choice has been taken from me, but I’m also cross that as the victim in all of this I seem to be at the disadvantage

Yes, life sucks. And it's not fair. And The System sucks.
Use your friends and family if you can - accept any offers of help with kids. A years time and you will be in a different place. Remember you made a choice to leave and that is/was a great one - try and remember the sweetness of protecting yourself and your kids.

I hope people with DV experience may be around to chat too - as I know what you are going through is not a typical break up.
Kids are lucky to have you and your strength is clear in your writing. I think once you have set your goals you will work tenaciously to get them. Bad patch. Will improve. Future brighter. His money is not worth the suffering.

I’m holding onto when we move (we have moved several times in this last couple of months, but this is a proper move to a proper rented house) as being a pivotal moment, it’s taken phenomenal effort (and money 😩) to persuade anyone to rent to us and for a while I genuinely thought our living situation would drive us back home, but I pulled it off.

Then we will be in the town, with people and friends can visit and I can sort out a part time job (childcare issues) and feel like I’m at least starting to take control.

We hate where we are and that never improves a situation.

I did phone Gingerbread in tears yesterday about UC as I think that scares me more than my future alone does!

They were really good and explained about the amount I need to earn each month to effectively be left alone, which will allow me to do 16 hours while I sort out the rest of our lives.

I think once the great unknown of benefits and finding a job are covered, divorce won’t seem so bad

A proper rented house will be Awesome! Well done on securing that for your lovely family. Girl power

Glad you phoned Gingerbread. I hope you can get out the system of benefits as quickly as you can - horrible being reliant on them and jumping through hoops a s they make you feel like shit. It shouldnt be like that but it is

I think that you have (and continue to be) traumatised by everything you have been through. Typically people get stuck in an emotional loop that they struggle to get out of. I posted the following on your earlier thread but think it is still valid.
You have achieved so much already - you have done all of the heavy lifting and you are physically and mentally exhausted right now. Take a deep breath, pat yourself on the back and try to quieten your mind for a bit.

You have endured multiple layers of DV and EA - from both your DH and his abusive family for years. This has eroded your mental and physical health and changed your rational though patterns.

You have shielded your DCs from it, you have taken the hardest decision in the world to end the marriage - this is weighing down on you right now ONLY because your own mind is wired to his thinking. Soon your head will know that you have given your children the greatest gift by being brave and leaving.

You have put in such hard work to get to this decision, you have also implemented the logistics of this decision with young children and a STBXH sabotaging your every move - by moving house. But you have done this TWICE now so you are a double hero. It is exhausting for anyone to move house / never mind one who has lived in a war zone and who’s STBXH is still setting land mines everywhere. Your current accommodation to extend the war zone analogy from a PP, is like a temporary refugee camp - it’s just where you “landed” fleeing the persecutor - so your experience and expectations here are limited - this isn’t the happy ever after.

Your new home will give you another chapter - to settle, regroup, restore, nest and rest and build a happy healthy peaceful home.

Don’t look too far ahead.

But you need to cut all contact with STBXH. He is manipulating and undermining you - every word he says has a toxic agenda. To guilt you into coming back. You need physical and emotional space to rest, reflect, recharge and grow stronger. You should block is number and he should only be able to contact you by email - relating only to the divorce and access - which you will read once a week after they have been censored by a friend.

You need to emotionally protect yourself - that is down to you. Take yourself out of punching distance. Don’t give him any opportunity to hurt you. Don’t engage. Each time you engage with him - he leaves you hurt and confused - this then preoccupies you and it’s like a game of snakes and ladders. You put in the distance, climb a ladder, engage with him and are pulled down a snake. This is too exhausting. You need your finite emotional energy for your DCs and your future - not drained and dissipated by this arsehole.

You need some simple affirmations - you are strong and brave and you have done the best thing for your children - it will get better in time.

You are a smart cookie planning the job and fun back in town with your friends.

Write a big long list of all of the shit things he and his family did to you. Refer to it when you are wavering - and promise yourself that nothing else will get added to the list because you are on your guard.

Keep going - you are doing great. Pace yourself.

Sometimes we can make ourselves feel worse with worrying, try to take a step back, stop the googling and thinking of the worst case scenarios and remember why you are doing this and try to get excited about your future again and all of the amazing possibilities :) You are strong and brave and an amazing person and mother repeat that to yourself throughout the day when you start to feel stressed. Moving on is hard at first when you still have one foot I’m thinking what if, but if you wasn’t happy then you will never be happy.

Elliebellybum how are you feeling today? How many days until you move to your new home in town?

It’s me! Name change! Still feeling shit but just under two weeks until we move 👍👍

That’s just days now .... not “weeks”! Count down the big sleeps. Make a list of all the lovely things you will be doing, get them commited / planned and in the diary.