AIBU about Ex best friend

[Allybee84]

I would like to first explain that I'm an Australian, fairly middle class, Mother of one child and married for 5 years. I don't have a criminal record, I've never been violent and although I do have a temper and have had a traumatic upbringing and emotional issues, I think I've grown into a fairly decent person. I have a University degree that I have earned on my own without parental help and I am currently building a business. I've travelled, I have a group of lovely friends and I am an adoring Mother to my Son and very gentle with him.

The reason I've explained the above is to give the following dilemma some context. I had an upsetting exchange with my ex friend today and as I soak my feet in milky feet socks/exfoliator socks, I thought I would vent and seek advice on mumsnet.

A few weeks ago I bumped into ex friend who I fell out with 14 years ago when we were 22 and I had not yet started therapy for past issues that caused me trauma. I was very emotional and I guess I still am but to a much lesser extent. Ex friend was at the local swimming pool with her two boys and walked past and ignored me. I have tried to apologise to her over the years and was hurt that she still can't say hi. The ball is in her court to say hello because I've tried many times to apologise. I think what makes it especially sad is we were friends since age of 5. The argument we fell out over was fairly petty and 21 year old type of stuff. At the time, my Father had recently committed suicide weeks before the argument that she had started. I was fragile and reacted poorly but I wouldn't say it was a terrible falling out - it's not as though I slept with her boyfriend or anything unforgivable like that.

Anyway years later at 34 and we both have boys the same age and it feels especially sad that she can't say hi or even nod. I messaged her today and I said that I regretted past things and that I knew I was a complex and difficult person at times but that it hurt that she disliked me so much she couldn't say "hello" and I didn't want that level of animosity between us. I also said that I admired the family she'd created and her beautiful boys and wished her the best and didn't want things to be strained. We also have a mutual friend and things have been made very awkward for her so that was another reason I reached out. Added to this we live in same suburb by coincidence and have children same age so don't want tension.

Ex friend replied to my message and basically said that she didn't recognise me at the pool or even know we lived in same neighbourhood - I find this hard to believe. My husband had a chuckle as we've often gone for walks and passed them as a couple and he thinks it's highly unlikely she hasn't seen me. She said she felt empathy for my family problems but as a friend she thought I was volatile (back in 2006) and it felt like she was skating on thin ice. She said that one minute things would be fine and the next minute she might've worried that - (and this really upset me) - I WOULD GET UPSET/MAD AND MIGHT KEY HER CAR !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
She went onto say that it wasn't that she hated me, she just reached a point in her life where she surrounded herself with less volatile people.
She did say that if we crossed paths we should say "Hi" and that she wished me a good weekend and life.

I feel a bit upset because the comment about keying her car was kind of out of the blue and not what I was expecting. I also feel like it was a fairly bold statement and a slur against my name as it is not something I would do despite my temper - and surely she must know that. I had already humbled myself and put myself out there by apologising and admitting fault. It just seemed like a really passive aggressive response. It kind of seemed like in our friendship that while I did have a temper, she was like a kid in a Boeing 747 and pressing all the buttons (I'm the Boeing in the metaphor).

I have no intention of saying hello to her ever again and if her comments just seemed really unnecessary. She would know through mutual friend that I know about my past errors and that I've worked through them for the most part.

What do you think ? why are female friendships so complex and difficult ?

I am so upset by the car keying comment. I feel like total white trash that I am posting about this and that someone would ever accuse me of such a thing even in past tense.

Wow you sound like hard work. She gave an honest response about how she felt at the time. She probably did feel like you could carry out an aggressive act (keying her car was probably one of many things she feared you might do). You have got what you wanted- she replied and said she will say hello. Be thankful and move on. She didn't mean any malice by her response and she is probably just wary of getting involved given your history.

This is a non-starter. Accept the situation and get on with your life. Why do you need her?

You reached out and offered the olive branch, but you need to respect her decision in not opening the friendship up again. Forget about the keying the car thing as this relates to how she perceived you back then. It's like seeing an old ex who cheated and still having them in the category as cheater, despite the fact they may have reformed their ways. At the end of the day she has been honest with you.

But female friendships aren't complicated IMO.

She was probably too badly burned by your past behaviour to risk being friends again. And your response lacks understanding.

If she treated you badly after a traumatic event in your life then she is no friend. She has shown you from her reply to by making such an accusation. Even if she became your friend again, I think she would act poorly towards you. I think you may have an idea in your head about how your friendship would be but the reality would be very different. You have your answer so write her off now.
However if you did something really unforgivable then that is different. As we don't know what happened it's the best reply I can give.

Leave her alone, she’s chosen to omit you from her life, which she’s perfectly entitled to do.

OP she has no obligation to be your friend. It's great you've managed to work through issues re your past trauma, but even after all of that it doesn't mean she needs to accept you with open arms.

I think her message was polite and she was honestly sharing her POV of how you made her feel. She said she would say hello which is what you were after so I think this would be a good place to leave things.

Try and see past the statement that offended you because that's how she feels and perceived you at the time. You can't dispute how someone feels, only accept it. You are now in a place to move forward with no animosity able to say hello in the street.

why are female friendships so complex and difficult?
Eh? Mine aren't.
And they shouldn't be.
If they are then you are not friends with the right people.

Well can I say that I am absolutely terrible at remembering and recognising people.
People often strike up a conversation with me , for example in a shop, and I really don't have a clue who they are!
My mum is the same and friends of mine often comment that they know that my mum doesn't recognise them at all when they speak to her. So I can fully get that she hasn't registered who you are in passing.
The rest is neither here nor there.
Just say hello if you see her and leave it at that.

So basically you wanted her to say hello to which she has agreed to do. Her honesty of how she felt has hurt you so now you won't say hello??!!

She doesn't have to be friends with you and she can act as though you were never friends/exist you have reached the desired outcome of getting a hello be happy about it and move on with your life.

I'm not sure why you are so offended. So you've never keyed a car, well done. But you also admit that you have a temper and reading between the lines she saw plenty of it back then. You were likely a bit unnerving back then. You probably don't even realise how it looked to others.

She has a right to have no interest in you now. It's been 14 years and you are now irrelevant to her. I have zero interest in meeting up with people who were a bit unnerving when I was 21.

I also doubt she has ever talked about you that much with mutual friends or that she knows anything about your therapy. People don't tend to talk about people they've half forgotten about. You may enquire for 2 or 3 years thereafter but not after that - interest wanes. You talk as if she was kept up to date all along which is highly unlikely tbh.

You sound a bit like me. At that age I was absolutely unnerving to many people, had a temper hotter than the sun and, like you, had my reasons. And then, like you, got therapy, worked hard on myself over the years and know now that I’m much calmer, more ‘normal’ than I was (I’ve checked this with people close to me who I trust to be totally honest and know it myself). The trouble is, even people we stay friends with often do not appreciate that we have actually changed. To them we will always be how we were and that is frustrating, I understand where you’re coming from. But there’s nothing to be done, I don’t bother trying to show people what I’m like now and prove myself (and to be honest some of them are stuck in their patterns that they really should have worked on themselves!). Many, if not most, people put us in a little box and we’re doomed to stay there in their mind forever. Well sod them, just get on with your life. Sounds like you want her approval and a pat on the back for turning things round, but just leave it, she doesn’t owe you anything. By the way, the book that explained the kind of pigeon holing I describe is the excellent “They F* You Up” by Oliver James, all about family relationships and related things, I recommend it.

So for the 20ish or so years you were friends you were emotional and had a temper. Being one of your best friends, my guess is that she got a lot of the brunt of your temper.

She probably doesn’t remember you fondly and while there where reasons for your behaviour, it doesn’t suddenly take away the years of her walking on eggshells wondering when you will next go off.

It is great that you have gotten help and now have a much more stable life. Well done. A really really hard thing to do and you should be proud of yourself.

But, she does not have to take that risk again. You don’t really know how she saw you for all those years or how you made her feel at the time.

I have lost friends from my teenage and early 20s. I look back now and cringe at some of the attitudes I had and wouldn’t be surprised if some of the reasons we aren’t in touch any more was down to me. But I too was dealing with childhood issues and I was swimming in a sea of ignorance on what the hell was going on. I know now. I am better and I do better. But I don’t expect old friends to suddenly want me in their life. That ship has sailed.

She was polite, she was honest but don’t expect her to happily allow someone who caused her so much anxiety in life to welcome you back. No matter how much you think she would have heard through the grapevine how much better you are.

I dont know what you want from her.You asked a question,you got an answer.One you dont like,well maybe she wanted to tell you back then but couldnt.Now over text she feels safe to tell you.

Plus your reaction makes it seem shes right to be cautious.You dont sound like you have changed much.

The keying the car will have been an example of the type of behaviour you displayed. It's not a slur. I suspect your behaviour was very concerning if that's how she felt.

You may have delay with issues and changed. But she has no obligation to be friends. She has moved on.

You need to let this go. She is someone you used to know. The fact she doesn't say hello, doesnt mean she hates you.

You do sound like hard work, especially now you are saying you won't be saying hello to her.

You used to be volatile and difficult .
You fell out with a friend.
A decade later, you pull this ex friend up via text for not saying hi to you. (Which, as an aside, if someone who was difficult and prone to temper, approached me to pull me up about not greeting them - I'd see that as "well she hasn't changed!")

This friend then apologises and agrees to say hi to you. She explains her behaviour and thoughts.

And you're now pouting about her explaining how she felt/ what she feared?

Honest question, do her feelings matter to you at all or are you literally only concerned with her giving you what YOU want? Because you sound massively hard work, and frankly like the kind of person who WOULD lose her temper and do something like key a car... the world doesn't revolve around you.

She's allowed to think you're nuts and not friend material. Your response to her sharing her fears and emotions shows that she's right about you.

A different version of you exists in the minds of every person you encounter. Let that blow your mind.

What I mean is that the you that you see and understand is different from the you your colleague, you postman or your dentist sees. Each one of them sees a different you. It is just their opinion, it is not fact.

You were different back then, behaved in ways which you wouldn't do now

She was different back then, had a perception that you might do something which you claim you wouldn't dream of doing

You've both grown up. Your friendship ended some time ago. There's no reason to rekindle it. You sent her a gentle and friendly message, including content about how things were and how you're different now. She replied with courtesy, including content about how she felt when you were friends.

Leave it at that. Don't revert to childish behaviour such as ignoring her now that you've both agreed to say hi if you ever see each other.

I completely understand that you have all the good memories associated with having had a friend for such a long time. But please, please let this go. You have your whole life ahead of you.